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with dh ????? I hope I am !!

(60 Posts)
mosschops30 Sat 12-Sep-09 12:48:55

its been a bit of a rocky week, dh been working long hours, out at 6am, home at 10pm.

Ive felt a bit neglected, if I call him, or he calls me he's quite distant and vague, although according to him its because he busy.

He's taken up windsurfing in the past few months which has been a bit of a bug-bear, not because I mind him doing stuff (which is what he thinks my problem is) its just that every new hobby he has completely takes over his life.
For example a couple of years ago it was shooting, he bought a gun and a hundred magazines on it, spent a few days out shooting with some bloke from work, then got bored. Then it was fishing, again lots of magazines and books, hundreds spent on fishing rods and reels and bait, lasted approx a year, hasnt been for ages. Then last year it was photography, he spent about 1k on camera, new lens, photography course. Now this year its been windsurfing, again new boards, sails, wetsuit, and he really enjoys it, but it comes before everything, he has to go one day every weekend no matter what.
Last night he asked if i thought he should do the next part of the camera course (£200) one night a week. I had a bit of a moan about money, and he said he works hard and that he should be able to spend his money on what he wants, which I agree with up to a point.
But he is not managing his money well at all at the moment IMHO, but if I say that he gets all huffy.
I have saved £300 a month for the last 7 months to get me through my unpaid mat leave, this is so that I still pay everything I pay now, including half the mortgage.

We had a huge row last night, he says that he hasnt got a problem, that hes happy and that if im uphappy then I need to sort it out, he says im controlling and hate him doing anything.

He expected me to be normal this morning, despite him being so rude last night, and then flew off the handle again because i wasnt 'over it'.

IMHO I dont think I should let him talk down to me, not listen to my opinion, tell me to get a life, not take resposnibility for anything that happens in this relationship, then expect me to wake up with a 'morning darling'

If I didnt know better Id say he's acting as bad as possible so I tell him to leave, then he wont feel guilty for leaving his pg wife .... or am I just being dramatic?

Opinions please smile

(oh and hes gone out again - on his own because ds wanted to stay with me!)

DeltaDawn Sat 12-Sep-09 12:53:20

YANBU

He sounds like a spoilt child

SqueezyCheese Sat 12-Sep-09 12:58:36

YANBU. Selfish pig.

What is he doing in preparation for your new baby? I mean, has he saved or maybe worked out that he will need to cut back on the hobbies?

And another thing.....why should you have to save to pay 'your' half of the mortgage whilst on maternity leave? I mean, don't get me wrong, it is sensible to save up so that things can be easier when the time comes. However, it seems so unfair to me that you have to save specifically for something like that.

curiositykilled Sat 12-Sep-09 13:03:27

I think this is a difficult one. You appear to live separate lives and have separate finances which makes it harder to assert that you should have joint consideration for each other's time, money and feelings.

Not sure why you are keeping things so separate if you are a family as it only encourages feelings like your DH said - 'I am happy, if you are not it's your problem'. This is fine if it is how you both function and want it to be but it sounds like you are not particularly happy about things being this way.

I don't think he was unreasonable in not being upset by the morning. It's impossible to tell if he's trying to goad you into asking him to leave but this does sound a bit of an excessive assumption. It sounds like you still have an issue with things that needs identifying before you can sort it out.

ib Sat 12-Sep-09 13:06:01

I'm not sure whether you are or not - if you have separate finances (sounds like you do) then it's fair enough that he should spend his money on what he wants. OTOH I can imagine how irritating it must be to have all that unused equipment lying around the place.

Maybe talk about having a 'budget' for hobbies that each can spend as they like? And some rules as to what happens to equipment that goes unused?

Some people just like starting new things, sounds like he's one of those.

CarGirl Sat 12-Sep-09 13:06:54

surely your a couple having a child spending money, Paying the mortgage etc should be done together.

I am horrified that whilst on ML you are still having to pay your half! We treat all money as our money and all debts as our debts.

LovelyLulu Sat 12-Sep-09 13:13:33

YANBU, but somehow need to sit down and talk together about how to manage finances.

I wonder if he's secretly feeling guilty, that's the reason for not wanting to communicate, he's on the defensive.

mosschops30 Sat 12-Sep-09 13:13:51

well if you put it that way, I dont want his debts to be my debts, similarly whatever I spend on my credit card is mine to pay, same as whatever he spends is his to pay.

I was a bit upset last night when I said about buying a new car seat for baby (old one has been in garage for 5 years) dh says tis perfectly fine to use, I would like a new one to put on Quinny. Apparently if I want new baby seat then I must buy it!
We have EVERYTHING else from ds, clothes, steriliser, cot etc etc so nothing else to buy!

Normally I would agree with the 'im happy comment', i dont think its necessarily up to the other partner to make the other happy all the time, you have to take some responsibility for yourself, but thats quite hard being pg, when you cant just say 'fuck this' and go out with your mates for the night!

CarGirl Sat 12-Sep-09 13:20:57

Unfortunately if your married and he gets himself into debt and any of it is secured on your house it will be your debt too?

I think you do need to have a chat about overall finances etc, who pays the childcare fees?

diddl Sat 12-Sep-09 13:22:27

You´re a couple with a child and one on the way.
As far as I´m concerned, he should pay for everything, and your wage should be for extras, luxuries and emergencies!

mosschops30 Sat 12-Sep-09 13:24:22

Oh no its nothing like that, we dont have any secured loans.
He has a car loan, I have a car loan, and we have a credit card each, mine has under £200 on and dh's is now just over 1k.

He pays the childcare fees, but it was only for one child, who is now in full time school, and obviously no need for childcare for 9 months now whilst Im off which makes him £500 richer a month, one month of which he is giving to me to help out with my savings

Having just looked at all the outgoings it would appear that mine are approx half my incomings, his are 1/3 of his incomings shock

CarGirl Sat 12-Sep-09 13:26:58

Perhaps you should apportion the payments according to individual income levels.

mosschops30 Sat 12-Sep-09 13:27:04

diddl - i dont think we could survive like that, although most of the couples we know do, and the wives normally work part time. Despite being pg and having 2 children already, I have continued to work full time.
The argument from him would be 'but I saw you through your degree' - although I still paid all my own dd's then even earning £500pm, he paid childcare and for my car and my gym membership though and more than half the mortgage although I did make a decent contribution.
Saying that if we go out for meals, go away, rare night out together - I never pay

mosschops30 Sat 12-Sep-09 13:27:46

Cargirl - how could we make it fair so that both parties have a decent amount of disposable income

PrincessToadstool Sat 12-Sep-09 13:29:32

He sounds awful. Selfish and greedy. You should both have the same amount of spare cash, IMO. So if (eg) he earned twice as much then he should pay twice as much as you on the bills, mortgage etc.

He won't even buy a car seat for the new baby? THAT is a fucked up attitude, regardless of anything else.

diddl Sat 12-Sep-09 13:32:11

But if you ae paying for bills equally, what do you do about savings and holiday?
Put in equal amounts?

If you pay everything equally, I guess it´s up to him what he does with his spare/extra money.

mosschops30 Sat 12-Sep-09 13:35:29

But now ive looked at it, we are not paying equally as he has far more spare cash than me (although the counter argument would be 'yeah but I pay for all the food, meals out etc).
Savings - he doesnt have any AFAIK, i have mine which I use for times like now when Im on mat leave
Holidays - since Ive started wotk after Uni we pay half for the holiday but he pays for spending money.

CarGirl Sat 12-Sep-09 13:35:38

I don't know but say for example

He earns £40k

you £25k

You could suggest splitting the outgoings in the same proportion 62% to him and 38% to you.

But what happens to the chid benefit and what are you expected to pay out of your disposable income because I consider child's clothings, toys, equipment a shared cost not yours.

curiositykilled Sat 12-Sep-09 13:36:08

Well then mosschops30 - my own personal opinion would be that YABU, yes pregnancy is strenuous but you have made your bed. I'm not sure you can say to share when it suits and then not share when it suits. I think and it is just my own personal feeling that you either share or you don't or it causes bad feelings and fallings out.

People will inevitably have different feelings about what times and expenses should be shared and what should be split if you do it this way. It is pretty immaterial that your half of things is half your salary and 1/3 of your DH's. You don't share his salary so it's not really your business.

curiositykilled Sat 12-Sep-09 13:37:04

but then I don't think he should be rude.

CarGirl Sat 12-Sep-09 13:37:48

I just don't see that whole way of working.

I'd say our total income is x, our total fixed outgoings are y, our budget for food/clothes 4 dc, petrol etc is z.

Let's save n amount for holidays, new cars and each take k amount for completely disposable spending.

Therefore even meals out, weekends away etc are paid for jointly.

mosschops30 Sat 12-Sep-09 13:46:42

curiosity - i didnt get pg all on my own, dh was there and contributed hmm

I dont know what the way around this is, but atm I feel like Im constanly living on the breadline (this week I have £20 left before payday), every little penny in and out of my acount is accounted for, I know how much ive got, how much I can spend etc. I like to do nice things too, like a spa treatment or yoga class, but it doesnt come close to dh's spending. Although I guess if you earn that much then it doesnt matter!

CarGirl Sat 12-Sep-09 13:52:30

Dh and I were discussing this kind of situationt he other day.

It doesn't sound much of a partnership, does your dh need to be in control - to have something over you etc etc etc?

I wouldn't tolerate it and neither would dh, marriage especially when you have dc has to be a full partnership IMHO

diddl Sat 12-Sep-09 13:52:44

But if you pay everything equally but don´t earn equally, it will always happen that one has less to spend on themselves.
Are you jealous that hubby has the money for hobbies or that he has the time?

FabBakerGirlIsBack Sat 12-Sep-09 14:01:59

You must have a new car seat. That has been in the garage for 5 years and changes in temperature could have affected its safety.

I don't think YABU but I think you need to have a rethink. Things he paid out for you years ago should not be thrown at you again.

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