To be fed up with all and sundry banging on about when I'm going to get round to "having another"

[topsyturveymum]

I have one dd coming up for 4. She is my only child. I am so fed up with having to field the question "are you going to have any more, then?" MIL has really been putting the pressure on (dh is Catholic and I feel I am expected to pop out a whole new clan of their family chain). She even suggested the other week when we dropped dd off for the afternoon that dh & I went home and had "a cuddle"! The very thought of MIL and FIL sitting down with a cuppa and getting all cozy at the thought that dh and I might be in the process of producing another grandchild for them made me feed quite ill!

It's been hard for me to decide that I don't see myself having anymore kids. I'm 40 now and you think of all the things that could go wrong. Also for the last 12 months, I have had really bad knee pain which has really put me off having any more kids as I don't think physically I could cope with it and that, along with my age has made me feel we have missed the boat as far as having anymore kids is concerned. My knees are improving slowly with exercise and therapy, but by the time they are 100% again, I'll be at least 41 probably. Also I had a m/c 18 months ago, just before my knees bacame bad, and I really don't want to go throught that again.

All these people harping on about child no. 2 is making me quite upset - it's making me sad as if I was really fit, I'd love to have another child. I know it's what dh would like, but he understands how I feel. I just feel sad at the circumstances, but that's the way it is and I just want everyone to leave me alone and mind their own business. DH has said he'll talk to his mum - I do feel like I'm letting everyone down as the buck stops with me and I'm making the decisions - but I don't want another baby, not unless my fitness improves before I'm too old and I can't see that happening

It'w OK to have just one child, isn't it! She wont be unhappy cos she hasn't got any siblings will she?

[topsyturveymum]

Replace feed quite ill with feel quite ill!

[CMOTdibbler]

It's perfectly OK to have one child, and you never know how a sibling would turn out anyway - they could fight and hate each other.

Tell MIL to butt out of your fertility and choices, otherwise she will drive you nuts. DH had a huge row with his mum when she said it would 'be cruel to DS' not to provide him with a sibling. Now, when she knew that we had 3 mcs before DS, this was bang out of order, and she was told so. She never mentions it anymore

[PrettyCandles]

Your body, your life, your choice.

MILs say some dreadful things.

[DoingTheBestICan]

I too am sick of the 'time for another' comments,unfortunately not from family but total strangers

I shut one rude cow woman up recently by telling her i couldnt have any more children due to a traumatic labour with ds that had left me with terrible damage internally.She didnt know what to say!

[jeee]

If it's any consolation you get criticised for having children too close together. The number of strangers who gave me contraceptive advice . For some reason, the number of children you should have, and the gap between them, is public property. Just do what's best for your family, and ignore everyone else.

[Orangesarenottheonlyfruit]

If it makes you feel any better my mother has been trying to persuade me NOT to have another one (we only have 1!). She wants me to go back to work and be something impressive I guess. Little does she know that I already preggers with number 2...

So it seems that nothing we do is right!

[madameDefarge]

Ha! I know what you mean! I am 45, semi-single (IYSWIM) and people still ask me if I want another...well, yes, if you warp back 15 years, provide me with a private income....

I would have wanted another, but it is just not to be... it is a tad insensitive...

If it is any consolation, my is perfectly happy being the light of both his parents eyes.

[madameDefarge]

I mean, my ds is....

[lovechoc]

Oh I get this too, and DS is 2.5yo!! Not from my MIL though, but from my OWN mother. It is soul destroying when you hear 'are you pg yet, are you pg yet, are you pg yet are you pg yet....???' all the time. I'm fed up of it too.

DH said anymore of my mother's tactless comments then she will be told about us doing it in all manner of positions. Then she'll not be asking about it ever again. it's just basically others wanting to know if you are having sex. it's none of their business.

A week after I had a MC (12wks) my mother asked if we are going to start trying again?! Totally inappropriate. She's lucky I didn't throw her out the house. Made me so angry...

[diddl]

Just one child??
Shouldn´t be allowed at all!!

It´s up to you entirely, of course.

I´m sure GPs keep going on is annoying, but is it also upsetting?

If it´s annoying, I would try to ignore/pretend you didn´t hear/change the subject, if possible.

If it´s upsetting, I think you maybe have to tell them that you are happy enough the way things are.

[arolf]

my parents have already started asking when we're going to have another and I haven't even had this one yet...
They have said that we should have 3, and they should be close together, but my DP and I want to have a gap of 3-4 years between ours, and currently only plan 2. It's hugely frustrating listening to my parents, but we just pretend we haven't heard them most of the time now.

why do parents do this though?!

[oldraver]

I do still occasionally get this. By the time DS 1 got to secondary school the comments stopped. I think people assume you have given up.It is annoying when the people nagging KNOW you've had losses/bad pregnancy etc, its as if they forget all that has gone on before once you've popped a healthy DC.

Since having DS2. I have had the .."you having anymore" but i think on finding I have a large gap it seems to shut people up

[Prinpo]

I agree that whatever you do is wrong - too many, too few, too far apart, too close in age... and as mothers we're too old or too young. Bollocks to them all. Families are families and come in all shapes and sizes. What matters most for your child is growing up in a loving home.

Sorry to hear about your health. I guess a one line answer such as "We're really happy with the one we have" should be all they need to know. Alternatively, they may just give up after a while.

I've sometimes found myself wondering why friends haven't had kids or have had one but no more. I've never asked because I realise that I'm just being extremely nosy and it's probably something they don't want to have to keep explaining to people.

Funny, isn't it, how people feel it's ok to comment on really personal aspects of each other's lives!

[cjones2979]

TBH it makes no difference how many children you have, people will always ask if you're going to have any more.

DS1 is 5.10. I was constantly asked when I was going to have another, along with comments of
"oh, don't leave him an only child, it's not fair" (FFS!!!!).
DS2 has just turned 1, and I now get the question
"So when are you going to try for a girl?"

DH & I had decided while I was pregnant with DS2 (even before we knew what we were having) that we were not going to have any more, and that 2 was plenty, so it really winds me up that people assume that just because I've got 2 boys, I will automatically have another child so I can get a whinging whining beautiful little girl !!

[MrsChemist]

People are already asking me when we are having the next one. DS is two weeks old. My stitches haven't even healed. I'm quite tempted to tell everyone that I enjoyed it so much we are trying for another already, just to see what they say.

[OtterInaSkoda]

"a cuddle"? Bleurgh!

I've often wanted to regale some hideous gynaecological/obstetric catastrophe in response to "time for another". Accompanied by complete meltdown and much wailing and gnashing of teeth. It would be entirely fictitious, but yes - it'd shut the buggers up.

[Geocentric]

OP, if mil is Catholic, tell her you are going to be like Sarah (Old Testament) and have just the one child

And go on a bit about how happy you are to have been blessed with dd. Maybe that'll keep her quiet for a bit!!!!!

[lovechoc]

there's one comment you can make to the GPs though. 'can't improve on perfection' so having another child is completely out of the question.

[fanjoforthemammaries7850]

I am sick of this too, my HAIRDRESSER was telling me to have another last week, and the worker at DD's playgroup was asking me today.

DD has ASD and needs me 100% and I am 37 so it's not that likely, but I don't really feel like sharing that with strangers.

YANBU at all.

[lolapoppins]

I get it alot as well. Especially from my two half sisters who have four kids each. I have one ds who is 6, and would like another, but I am 29 and have bags of time, only want two kids and enjoy being a parent so want to strech out the childhood bit for as long as poss!

One of the sisters is very pushy and last xmas kept afking me in front of everyone if I was going to have another over and over. I just responded by saying that it's a personal choice and that relentless questioning could make people feel uncomforatble if they were having fertility problems or what ever. So then, still in front of everyone she responded with "are you having fertility problems then? Whats wrong? What's going on?" Arrghhhh!!!

I never, ever ask people about thier family plans, it's none of my business!

[topsyturveymum]

Thanks for all your posts. After I'd read my post back I wondered why I'd bothered posting in the first place as my mind's made up - no more kids for me for the foreseeable future. I guess I just wanted to hear someone say "nothing wrong with having just one, you have to make the right choice for you" or something along those lines and that's what you have all said so thanks for giving me back my sanity!

Prinpo - I think you have hit the nail on the head with this "I've sometimes found myself wondering why friends haven't had kids or have had one but no more. I've never asked because I realise that I'm just being extremely nosy and it's probably something they don't want to have to keep explaining to people.

Funny, isn't it, how people feel it's ok to comment on really personal aspects of each other's lives!"

I think that's what p's me off so much - it's so personal and private - what right has anyone got to pass comment? - it's downright nosey.

Love your suggestions Geo and Lovechoc - will try those out next time I'm grilled on the subject!

[slowreadingprogress]

I would try "oh, we'll try for another when DH sorts out his erectile dysfunction and my damn syphilis clears up"



seriously though we have one child and have only had one remark that I can remember about having another

My fave reply is "We feel we got it right first time"

[lovechoc]

slowreadinginprogress that's a brilliant come-back, for the nosey relatives who keep asking. might try that myself next time my mother asks!

[FabBakerGirlIsBack]

Oh God I often ask people if they are going to have more children, and I have been asked numerous times too, but I won't ask anymore. I love babies and was just interested but no more.

[lovechoc]

I think for some couples they honestly don't mind, but for others they may have had sad news of miscarriage prior to the first child or afterwards, so it is best to just not ask anything like that.

I did ask before DS was born but after experiencing MC first hand myself, I decided to not ask anyone again the kind of questions that I wouldn't want to be asked myself by others. It is insensitive and now I realise myself how awkward it can be for other couples. And it's also the fact that it gets asked by not one relative, but maybe another, or even friends. No one means any harm, but hearing it time and time again, does get a bit annoying and upsetting. Sorry.