I posted on here a few years ago (have namechanged for this) about an awful time I was going through with my now ex. He had been experiencing big highs and lows in mood, and after a long period of depression, he became pretty manic and unreasonable, and spent thousands of pounds of our money, slept with prostitutes, and walked out on DS and I without so much as an explanation to DS.
A few months later, he calmed down, and (probably madly but with the best intentions) we tried to work at staying together - I thought he might have been unwell. In the end, I couldn't (can't) forgive him, couldn't get past a wariness that his mood would change again; that he'd be unfaithful and difficult again. So we have been separated for some time now, and DS and I live happily in what was the family home, in a lively village.
My ex is now quite buoyant again - I know the signs: buying lots of stuff, flashy new clothes, lots of business ideas. He's very sociable when he's like this, too. As such, even though he hasn't lived with us for nearly two years, and had little involvement with the village when he did, he's now back here a lot. He exhibited at the recent village fete, he goes to the pub round the corner, he has coffee with one of the mums at school, he's now offered to run an enterprise scheme at DS's school, and has talked of setting up a committee for something-or-other.
I feel suffocated. I don't seem to be able to avoid him, and am dreading hearing, "Ooh, isn't DS's dad such a lovely bloke?" - and struggling to respond magnanimously. Yes, when he's like this, he is charming and generous - but to me, he is (or can be) something else, and I feel I could really do with some space from him. I don't want him repeatedly popping up in my day-to-day life.
I have tried talking with my ex about this - explaining that, if it weren't for DS, we'd likely have very little if anything to do with each other, in view of our recent history; that we need the space to be able to move on. He sort of gets what I'm saying, but says he grew up in this community (which he did - although he moved elsewhere as a teenager), has no intention of staying away, and talks almost as though it's his village.
I don't want to move elsewhere with DS, because both he and I are settled here - it's our home. But in staying, it seems I will keep bumping into/hearing about my ex (at least for now, while he's hyper-sociable) and will simply have to grin and bear this, which for the most part I do but it bloody grates sometimes.
AIBU to want him to just f*ck right off?! Ahem, I mean focus on rebuilding a life for himself where he lives now, and accept that having less involvement where DS and I live is a natural consequence of everything that has happened between us? Sigh.
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AIBU?
To want my ex to stop over-involving himself in mine and DS's community?
7 replies
ThisLadyIsATramp · 10/09/2009 11:46
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