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To expect just an ounce of sympathy/solidarity from DP

(19 Posts)
BootsAddict Wed 09-Sep-09 20:50:12

Having come to the hard decision to terminate an unplanned pg DP told his Mum and although sympathetic she did mention that it was prob best not to mention it to a certain family member, has 1 dc(1 yr) and afaik ttc but has fertility problems, I have not told any of my family except my brther who said its best not to tell one of my family members as she is pg with her first and shouldn't be upset. OK, well I am quite upset that these other ladies feelings are classed as more important than mine, I mean, its been a very difficult decision to make and should they go through similar I would hope to support them 110% should they choose to tell me/need me. BUT I understand why its been said, and of course I don't want to upset them, however, DP asked how i felt a couple of nights ago and I mentioned that this upset me and He basically said their's no point in telling them and what am I trying to do, spread my misery around? and that its a sensitive subject for some people(like I'm finding it so easy!). WTF? Even if he actually believes something like that of me, why would He say that to me, couldn't he keep it to himself and just make the right noises??

Last night, he mentioned that I keep making decidions without him, FFS, I just said that the DCs can stay in their rooms till 7am and then they could come downstairs, rather than dc2 getting up and coming downstairs between 5-6.30 am, I thoguht it'd be good to kind of have a routine type thing in place so dc would learn to play quietly until getting up time, but no, I need to consult him about such decisions, such as that she should use the toilet than the potty when it can be helped, I made that decision without consulting him, but surely thats just progression?

Anyway, they're just examples, I know he is upset too, but hes' been at work all the times I've been at the hospital, while I'm trying to carry on as normal, without being able to talk to anyone who may be sensitive to it and I just need him to be there for me, or even each other.

I don't know, I'm maybe exhausted and hormonal, but is it too much to ask just for him to be nice to me through this instead of playing devils advocate and trying to make me see everyone elses POV?

GypsyMoth Wed 09-Sep-09 20:55:46

well if i chose to have a termination then i would not be telling all and sundry either!!

think your post has more to it tho,underlying probs with dp i'm guessing at!! you sound angry with him...is it just lack of communication or more?

Callisto Wed 09-Sep-09 20:58:32

Why do you want everyone to know?

BootsAddict Wed 09-Sep-09 20:59:30

Its not that I want to go telling all and sundry, I just want to be able to tell who I choose without being accused of being selfish because I dare to need a little bit of support, I've already not told any of my family including my parents as I am trying to cope on my own.

I am angry at him, He seems to be trying to pick on things to have digs at me rather than dealing with his issues.

Callisto Wed 09-Sep-09 21:03:43

Whose decision to terminate was it? Maybe he is more upset than you think.

Also, I think that not telling a person with fertility probs and a pregnant lady that you're having an abortion is a Good Thing.

BootsAddict Wed 09-Sep-09 21:12:41

It was joint Callisto, It was a hard decision that was made for the right reasons I think, od course I don't want to upset anyone over it, i just think that surely I should be able to tell who I feel i need to, based on how I feel as well as taking into consideration how they will feel, and also not be told whom i should keep it from, as I am particularly close to one of them and could really do with her through this, but had already decided not to tell her as not to upset her IYSWIM.

doggiesayswoof Wed 09-Sep-09 21:12:53

Forget about all these other family members I'd say - tbh it doesn't sound like you would get much support from them anyway. What would you gain from telling them if they were only going to react negatively?

Get support on here.

Have you told your DP how you feel and how hard this is for you? Maybe you are hiding your feelings too well.

Re the other parenting decisions you're making. Sorry for playing devil's advocate myself but is it possible that you are shutting him out a bit? Tis no bad thing that he wants to discuss this day-to-day stuff with you. He could just want to be involved.

Look after yourself, you do sound shattered and fed up to say the least.

BootsAddict Wed 09-Sep-09 21:16:22

Thanks Doggie-thats why I'm on here and not on the phone to people crying, I am trying to get through this without upsetting anyone else.

Yes I have shut him out, am trying not to.

Prinpo Wed 09-Sep-09 21:24:06

You sound like you're not feeling very well looked after by dp and, at a time when you're very vulnerable, you're being asked to put other people's feelings before your own. I've got no opinion on whether you should tell people or not - I think that's quite a personal thing (some people tell no-one, others tell so that they can get some support). FWIW, I had a mc not long ago and we're TTC number 3 but I would still want a friend or relative to feel they could tell me about having a termination and feel supported by me.

It sounds like you're both struggling with it and sniping at each other about anything. Would be interested to know whether it was a genuinely joint decision or whether one of you was keener than the other to have the termination.

Once you start talking to friends you may be surprised at how many of them have terminated pregnancies - one of the great conversation taboos! Hope you get some support from somewhere.

BubbaAndBump Wed 09-Sep-09 21:33:43

((big hugs)) You must be feeling very mixed feelings, and not having your DP, the one person you should definitely be able to talk to candidly, not supporting (or perhaps understanding you) here must be hard.

I wouldn't combine the two problems (his attitude to the telling or not telling about the termination on the one hand, and his feeling shut out of decisions on the other). Think they're separate, but Doggie's point rings true.

Poor you. It must be very hard not to be free to talk to who you need to in RL.

BootsAddict Wed 09-Sep-09 21:35:22

thank you so much Prinpo, TBH it was probably my choice more than his, but I am trying to think about us all. I think I do feel like I need looking after but at the same time like I don't deserve any support as I got myself into this predicament, I still have the main part to of the termination to go through and struggling with the Dcs on my own, so many times today i have felt the need to ask someone for help, emotionally as well as practically, but that would mean telling someone, which would mean putting my own feelings and needs before theirs.

Harimosmummy Wed 09-Sep-09 21:36:26

It's a really difficult one.

I appreciate your viewpoint (and I'd like to think that if someone told me they'd decided to terminate I'd be there to support) but I can also see your DP's.... and I agree with the poster who said: If I were to terminate a PG purely because it was unplanned, then yes, I'd probably keep it to myself and not tell anyone.

BUT, keeping it to yourself may cause you problems later on.

I do wonder whether your DP feels you made the decision for him (and why he's sniping about the kids routine??)

BootsAddict Wed 09-Sep-09 21:49:44

Thank you Bubbaandbump and Harimosmummy, probably just needed a bit of sympathyblush Will try and keep it between the small amount of people that know already and try to speak to DP and give him some support also.(Although sounds like He's getting support at the pub atm but thats another story)

Prinpo Wed 09-Sep-09 23:13:24

I don't want to put any cats amongst pigeons but there are times when you just need support and this is one of them. Putting your own feelings before other people's is not always a bad thing - sometimes it's necessary and entirely justified. This is a huge thing that you're going through - please do whatever you can to get support, whether it's here or with friends that you don't have to worry about being upset by your news.

((((((((((((((((((massive hug )))))))))))))))))))))

Callisto Thu 10-Sep-09 08:45:01

Don't forget that it takes two to make a baby so don't take all the responsibility for this on yourself (and that stands no matter what your contraception arrangements were).

I hope things look a bit brighter for you this morning.

tinkerbellesmuse Thu 10-Sep-09 08:59:36

You sound like you need some looking after and TLC and frankly you are not going to get this (or in all likelihood any suport) from someone who is ttc.

In fact what you might get is a lot of rage and anger of the sort that could seriously damage you relationship with his family.

Personally I'd tell as few people as possible.

Asana Thu 10-Sep-09 10:39:44

I do wonder why it's ok to be able to talk to others about one's fertility issues but abortion is a "keep schtum" subject? Again, it just harks back to abortion being a "taboo" subject. meaning that those who go through it may not be able to seek out the help and support they need because, to others, "they brought it upon themselves". Double standards IMHO and rather sad. Sending you lots of well-wishes and support.

tinkerbellesmuse Fri 11-Sep-09 07:37:43

Asana it is because of the likelihood of someone elses aborution making a third party feel dreadful. There is not much news that can effect someone else in such a significant way.

Fertility is such an emotive subject and woman ttc are likely t be very upset to hear someone is having an abortion whilst they are struggling.

CyradisTheSeer Fri 11-Sep-09 08:41:02

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