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To "accidentally" conceive?

(19 Posts)
BrokenBananaTantrum Wed 09-Sep-09 15:15:17

OK here goes. I am really really ready to have another baby. I dream about having another and I have always wanted at least 2 children. My DD is 3.2 years old. I am 35 and I'm aware that my fertility is going to be on the downward spiral.

However, my DH (who is 47) is adamant that he does not want another child. He says that he is too old and he is worried about me as the birth of DD was pretty bad (he nearly lost us both) and I had serious PND for which I'm still on meds but I feel recovered from.

I had always assumed that we would have at least 2 children as we had talked about it and he did not seem to have any objections before we had DD.

What shall I do? My contraceptive implant is about the run out and I'll have to have it removed. AIBU to conceive "by accident" as this will be be the only way I will be able to have another baby.

Bleatblurt Wed 09-Sep-09 15:16:29

Do you have no respect for your DH and his views? YABVU.

Geocentric Wed 09-Sep-09 15:17:49

I'm sorry - I've been tempted too in the past - but I don't think that's a good way to start a pregnancy. Especially if he's so set against it. I think you both need a good, long talk. For example, does he not want a second child, period, or does he not want you to go through another pregnancy?

LaurieFairyCake Wed 09-Sep-09 15:18:58

it's completely wrong, yabu

Eve4Walle Wed 09-Sep-09 15:19:01

If you seriously want to jeopardise your relationship, then go ahead and do it.

I can't see how your DH would ever be able to trust you again if you let it happen and he'll know it's not an 'accident'. You need to explain all this to him and see if there any way you can work through it.

ZippysMum Wed 09-Sep-09 15:19:19

Sorry, but i think you know YABU.

Your DH is concerned for your welfare too - you need to talk to him about this. Perhaps you and he could consider adoption as a way to build your family.

skybright Wed 09-Sep-09 15:19:32

I'm sure a lot of women have done it.

It sounds like your OH is understandably shitting himself,perhaps if he spoke to a HCP to ease his mind about the possibility of things not going the same way he would reconsider.

Would he suspect? Would you be able to live with the fact you deceived him for the rest off your life?

LuluMaman Wed 09-Sep-09 15:19:59

YABU to do this, but NBU to want this

your DH is probably terrified that anothr baby will tip you over the edge mentally and if you and your DD nearly died, i can quite understand why he has changed his mnd about another child

it would be far better to have an upfront chat about it all, and discuss it rationally, although that is hard as it is such an emotional subject

surely he will twig it was no accident if you are desperate for another baby and then you get pregnant?

were the complications at birth something likely to recur?

would seeing the GP and maybe MW together to discuss make a differnce, to how he feels?

ElieRM Wed 09-Sep-09 15:25:59

YABU, but I do feel desperately sorry for you, and I understand your desire for a baby. Agree with all those who advise you to speak to your DH and HCPs.
Good lyck, I do hope it all works out for you.

WhereYouLeftIt Wed 09-Sep-09 15:30:07

Your DH said he wanted no more children after you and your DD almost died at the birth. Wow, could he be more unreasonable hmm! Have you re-read your own post? Can you not see what's wrong with the whole idea? I can understand wanting another child (I always assumed I'd have more too) but that's not all that's involved here. How do you feel about your DD being motherless? Sorry to be so harsh, but that's probably how your DH regards another pregnancy.

By all means talk to your doctor etc. about how your body would cope with another pregnancy but don't even consider an "accident" (wish I could think of a more pejorative term for what you're considering). And, if you're still on meds for PND, and you're thinking this way, can you be sure you're recovered?

Bucharest Wed 09-Sep-09 15:35:06

Yes. But you know that, don't you?
It would be different (although not for me tbh) were you single and not intending to involve the father, but to do it to your husband is fairly despicable tbh.

tinkerbellesmuse Wed 09-Sep-09 15:37:52

Go for it - provided you have no illusions as to whether your marriage will survive such deceit.

Rosa Wed 09-Sep-09 15:41:05

If you were off the meds for your PND would you still feel ready ?
I would talk to your doc and also your dh he sounds as if he nearly lost you and your dd once and he is probably scared witless about it happening again... Think carefully

anastaisia Wed 09-Sep-09 15:41:24

YANBU to feel that way, but you would be unreasonable to go ahead and do it.

Does your DH know that this is such a huge deal for you?

Could you have a big talk; tell him that you don't intend to replace the implant because you want to discuss this in more detail before signing up for another period of infertility. Ask him take more/equal responsibility for contraception.

You could ask your HCPs for an appointment to go over your notes from the birth and explain what happened and why (I actually think that there should be opportunity for this a few months after EVERY birth) so he understands that it isn't going to be the same thing over again.

Maybe be prepared to discuss options other than another pregnancy - so that you can show how serious you are about wanting more children while also understanding about his concerns. You might never go have to take the ideas any further, but maybe it isn't such a big deal to your DH as it is to you and just knowing you would be prepared to consider something like adoption will help him to understand how important trying to have another child is to you.

ScummyMummy Wed 09-Sep-09 15:45:30

Would you consider relate/couples counselling? Or just talking more in depth about it together so you can really get to the bottom of why he's feeling this way? Sounds like you really need to explore this more together. Maybe your partner has something approaching post-traumatic stress disorder after witnessing your daughter's birth? Or perhaps he's found your pnd really hard to handle, harder than he's been able to admit for fear of upsetting you even further when you were so unwell? (Sorry to suggest this but it is notoriously hard to support loved ones with serious depression, so is a possibility.) Or perhaps he just sees the end of your daughter's babyhood in sight and is looking forward to calmer days. If he's gone from wanting 2 kids to adamantly insisting on stopping at one I do think there may be reasons that need to be explored further.

I can see how accidental conception would be tempting but it would be a betrayal of your partner's trust, imo.

AliGrylls Wed 09-Sep-09 15:47:26

Is the only reason why he doesn't want you to get preggers because of what happened last time? It sounds like he hasn't got over the trauma of it.

Maybe you could both do with speaking to someone, assessing the risks of having a second child and planning in a serious way (I mean finding out about if you can have a consultant led birth and check-ups every two weeks).

I don't blame you for wanting another - I would be tempted to do the same.

Sassybeast Wed 09-Sep-09 16:02:06

YANBU to consider it but YABU to do anything about it.

Definately make an appointment with him to go over your notes in hospital - if you contact patient liaison they will be able to tell you what to do. You can request a senior midwife to go through the notes with you both and then you will be able to talk rationally about the chances of the same problems recurring.

And the same with the PND. Do some research and get some information to share with him about the causes of PND - look in particular for info on the links between traumatic birth and PND.

It's not fair of you to assume that he will feel the way that you do. DH was fairly traumatised by both of my labours and the complications - ironically I was sort of so out of it that I wasn't fully aware of what was going on but i know if the roles were reversed, I'd need some serious reassurance that the same or worse wouldn't happen again.

He will know if you have an accident and it's not worth shattering the trust that you have. Work with him on this.

norktasticninja Wed 09-Sep-09 16:05:13

I understand the temptation but to give in to it would BVU.

BrokenBananaTantrum Wed 09-Sep-09 16:23:50

I think I already knew I was BVU. I love DH so much and could not really do this to him. I really appreciate everybodies responses. I know it would be unforgivable. I will have a long talk to him about why he feels so strongly and also to my GP / HCP about if the complications from last time would be likley to reoccur. If I can get some reassurances from them then maybe I can put some of his fears at ease.

Especially appreciate the posters who have understood the reason why I was even considering this. Did n't know the urge to have another baby could be so strong.

Thanks everyone.

xx

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