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In thinking DP should get up before this time?

(110 Posts)
LissyGlitter Tue 08-Sep-09 10:39:09

This is an ongoing disagreement. Me and DP are both night people and hate mornings. I am 30 weeks pregnant and we have a 2.5 yo DD. Neither of us work, although DP does go to quite a lot of interviews etc and I start uni part time next week, although I am technically signed off work due to mental health issues (dormant for the moment, thank god, but as I am pregnant, the doctor didn't want to take chances)

DD wakes up around 8am (although it has been known to be anywhere between 5am and 10am) and I get up with her, make her breakfast and let her have a bit of cbeebies time while I come to. If it is ridiculously early when i get up, or I feel ill, I do this for two hours then make DP get up, but generally I let him sleep till he feels like getting up. He does do pretty much all the cooking of big meals (I deal with things like light lunches and snacks) and laundry and washing up, so he is pulling his weight, but it can't be good for him to lie in till about 11am every single morning can it? Plus it means that if we want him to come on an activity with us, we are only getting out of the house at nearly lunchtime, and she has a nap after lunch so she misses half the day!

Any ideas on how to suggest he move his lazy bum without sounding nagging? He is finding it hard to not be working, and, like I say, does do useful things all day when he is awake, but he needs to move his timetable!

kreecherlivesupstairs Tue 08-Sep-09 10:42:46

Go to bed earlier and get your child into a reasonable routine.

SolidGoldBrass Tue 08-Sep-09 10:43:37

Well when you have planned, or want to plan something that involves him getting up earlier, tell him he's getting up earlier on that specific day. Set the alarm and give him a good shove out of bed. On other days, when there is no need for him to get up, leave it for the time being - if he is pulling his weight domestically in other ways then he's not really being lazy, is he?

madeupsurname Tue 08-Sep-09 10:45:31

Tricky one. I think on balance he should be getting up with DD at least half the time, given that you are heavily pregnant.

As it stands, I can see why he might think there was "no point" in getting up. So perhaps you could put it to him that you need a rest too.

LissyGlitter Tue 08-Sep-09 10:46:24

I don't see how I could change DDs routine, she goes to bed at pretty much the same time every night, and her meals and naps are at the same time every day.

MrsDermotOleary Tue 08-Sep-09 10:47:34

When dh is not working we take it in turns to get up. we have 2dc and the youngest has a 2 hour nap after lunch. When I get up early I then have a break/rest/nap after lunch along with ds while dd has quality 1-1 time with dh.
When dh gets up early he has the after lunch nap and I take dd out.

Agree that nagging is not the way to go but maybe this might put a more positive spin on things? More of a compromise. When your baby comes along you will need his help more anyway so this might ease him into an earlier start. Hope this helps.

LissyGlitter Tue 08-Sep-09 10:52:57

He says he shouldn't have to take turns getting up as I hardly ever take my turn with the housework, which is true blush I do if I have to, but I tend to leave it till the last minute. Plus if he is cooking/whatever I keep DD entertained, it's not as if I am reclining on cushions being fed grapes!

things will be easier once he gets back to work, we will have more defined roles then so we will each know where we stand hopefully.

MissSunny Tue 08-Sep-09 11:04:27

Message withdrawn

bigchris Tue 08-Sep-09 11:08:56

you need to start doing the cooking and cleaning
and he needs to start seriously looking for a job

Gangle Tue 08-Sep-09 11:13:16

er, both DH and I work full time. Dh is an intensive care doctor so rarely around EVER to help and when he is at home he genuinely needs to sleep. DS is 17 months old and usually gets up around 5 or 6am - I have got up with him every day bar one or possibly two occasions by DH got up (because I was ill). I am 12 weeks pregnant, knackered and nauseous. 8am would feel like a lay in! Suggest you stop moaning and get on with it.

ElectricElephant Tue 08-Sep-09 11:18:09

8am? ha - that's a lie in for most people!

sweetnitanitro Tue 08-Sep-09 11:23:00

My DH likes his lie ins too. We used to argue about it a lot (especially when DD was tiny and I felt knackered all the time). The only way to resolve the situation is to talk about it and do some 'deals' with your DH. Divide up all the housework and promise that you will both stick to your side of the bargain. There's no point either of you saying nothing and then resenting each other because this will make any arguments 10x worse. Make a list of chores (including child care) and then divide it up.

Agree about the routine for your DD, your life will be much easier if you have a better idea of when she's going to wake up.

oopsadaisyangel Tue 08-Sep-09 11:25:18

If only DS3 would sleep till 8am. Both DH and I work full time. He gets up for work at 5.30 and leaves at 6. DS3 gets up about the same time. Between us we both get up early, do a full days work usually not getting home till around 6pm and then do the housework, cooking and general daily routine of a house with two kids and a dog.

Tell him to get up when you do, go looking for a job and still have time to spending helping you out and spending time with you both.

MissSunny Tue 08-Sep-09 11:27:02

Message withdrawn

YorkshireRose Tue 08-Sep-09 11:27:58

Agree with MissSunny - if he is seriously looking for work he should be up at 8am getting on with the business of finding a job.

If he stays in the habit of getting up at 11am he will never be able to get up to be on time for work when he gets a job and will get sacked!

bubblagirl Tue 08-Sep-09 11:46:52

i think it may be more outr of habit and lack of motivation set the alarm and get up early every morning force yourselves out to look for work or take dd to park the more you get yourselves up and out the more energy you will have

my dp works long hours so dont begrudge him his lie ins but if his got week off etc. then i expect him to be up and ready to do something with the day rather than waste it in bed all day

maybe you have just found yourself in a routine that just seems comfortable and works and you should look at changing it for the better i like to be up before ds get house sorted have breakfast ready for when he gets up i find i have more energy by being up early and motivating myself

take ds for a walk if nothing planned for day out nice and early

save lie ins for weekend you on one day him on the other

Deemented Tue 08-Sep-09 11:53:56

Whats a lie in???

DS is five, DD is 16 months and i'm 21 weeks pregnant, and DP doesn't yet live with us. I get up with DC between 5 - 6 every day. I do all the housework, cooking and cleaning.

Agree completely with Gangle - stop moaning and get on with it, ffs - there's two of you and only one dc atm - how hard can it be?

vezzie Tue 08-Sep-09 13:05:30

Oooooooooooo you are a nasty lot.

Poor old OP.

She did say "not a morning person" - people are so sniffy about people who find mornings hard, they are not necessarily lazy you know, just because 8 am to them feels like 5 am to you.

The difficulty is that night owls are often attracted to each other because they get on well, having the same active time of the day. Then they end up in a long term relationship and there is no one naturally well equipped to deal with mornings with kids. It is tough.

So stop being so mean, you horrible pinched mouths self righteous early morning pan lid clashers.

(gross judgey unfair generalisation from a nightowl, in retaliation: morning people are always leaping about DOING THINGS at 7 am, as opposed to reading and thinking at midnight, and are therefore less interesting and reflective than night owls, so more judgemental and boring, and struggle with compassion, seeing other points of view, and analytic thought.)

famishedass Tue 08-Sep-09 13:08:40

YABveryU - 2 SAH parents and 1 kid is not a big deal.

And I hate to break it to you, but you are gonna have to change your dd routine when she starts nursery. You can't lie in bed till 8 when you have to be up for nursery.

And tell your dp to get up, get out and get a job

madeupsurname Tue 08-Sep-09 13:09:12

LOL LOL at vezzie.

You are all rather mean. And just because the OP and her DP only have one child doesn't mean that the work shouldn't be shared equally. She'd like a lie-in just as much as him!

<compassionate morning person>

melrose Tue 08-Sep-09 13:16:08

8am!! I dream of sleeping till 8am.

I was a night person once, and still would be if I let myself (always up far too late if DH is away), but full time work, marriage to a DH who likes lights out at 10pm and 2 children have trained me into reforming my ways.

Night owl or early bird you can re-train your body clock. If you to to bed at 10pm getting up at 6am is a lot easier!!

LovelyTinOfSpam Tue 08-Sep-09 13:18:32

You need to talk to him and agree when you can have a lie in and which bits of the housework you'll pick up to make it fair.

Agree with SGB that if you want to do something in the daytime you need to give him advance warning and set the alarm, or when you get up in the morning kick him out of bed with enthusiam and go off to do the thing.

I am rarely out of bed before 11 and ROFL at the horrified reactions - you all remind me of my mum!

vezzie Tue 08-Sep-09 13:18:40

And while I'm at it - it is not the case necessarily that the more you do, the more energy you will have. Sometimes you can't make your body do things it doesn't want to, especially wrt body clock things - shift work is notorious for leading to poor health. Being shattered all the time is a recipe for depression. OP has mental health issues and needs to watch this.

Madeupsurname - you are the kind of person I want to be - the best of all worlds - as active as most morning people without the knuckle-dragging traits and lack of imagination. I have tried so hard so many times to make morning feel like a place I can inhabit! I truly admire people who can leap out of bed and tackle life early. And can also read books.

YorkshireRose Tue 08-Sep-09 13:28:33

Yeah but, 11am! Thats a bit OTT isn't it? How many jobs is OP's DH hoping to hold down getting up at that time?

8am ain't exactly the crack of dawn!

BTW I am also a natural night owl but life forces us all to make compromises! smile

TheLadyEvenstar Tue 08-Sep-09 13:29:29

<<<< A fellow night person, never liked morning BUT had to learn to when i had ds1 11 yrs ago. I go to bed normally between 1 and 3am and am up by 6.30 everyday.....Get dc up at 7am. this gives me half an hour to get myself alive with 6 1 cup of coffee and a cigarette piece of toast.

You and dp need to be getting up, getting the housework done together and caring for dc. If he is looking for work "seriously" then laying in bed until 11am is not going to help him. What on earth are you both going to do when you have dc number 2 to cope with as well? bet they won't sleep until 8am....

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