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bad mother or bad daughter

(48 Posts)
pippapenguin Mon 07-Sep-09 18:11:55

I have 3 adult children, pregnant with my 4th. First two children are pleasant, hardworking,etc but my third is a bitch. Since she was 12(she's now 18) she has been awful, constantly truanting, getting in trouble with the police, smoking cannibis, doing pills. She lives like a pig and doesn't do a thing around the house. I've tried to help her, she's been diagnosed with depression but the constant verbal abuse has finally worn me out and i've asked her to leave for the sake of my pregnancy. She just called me an evil c*. My point is do we do our best for or children forever or is there a point when you can reasonably just give up on your child?

RealityIsNOTDetoxing Mon 07-Sep-09 18:18:32

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FarkinBarkin Mon 07-Sep-09 18:25:39

She called you a c*. You called her a bitch.

Is she getting help for the depression from her GP?

pippapenguin Mon 07-Sep-09 18:25:55

I know,but I've tried everything to help her but she acts like she hates me. Am I really supposed to be a saint and put up with verbal abuse and more on a daily business. I know she has issues but I really don't know what more I can do for her. I dread coming home from work.

pippapenguin Mon 07-Sep-09 18:27:44

She won't take any medication.

RealityIsNOTDetoxing Mon 07-Sep-09 18:30:06

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RealityIsNOTDetoxing Mon 07-Sep-09 18:30:20

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Nancy66 Mon 07-Sep-09 18:30:43

What about her dad? How does he handle her?

FarkinBarkin Mon 07-Sep-09 18:31:21

She's 18 and will presumably need to leave home at some point. I'd just be wary of making her feel that she's being pushed out for child no.4.

I'd say don't give up on her but equally she needs to take some part in helping herself too.

Good luck.

poppy34 Mon 07-Sep-09 18:31:53

Can she go and stay with family or friends just for some time out for both of you. I agree that chucking her out too drastic but I have every sympathy with how you might feel and the fact she can't do what she likes. Does she get on with her father- could he try and flak to her? Also has the gp suggested any other ways to help eg therapy?

MissSunny Mon 07-Sep-09 18:32:31

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skihorse Mon 07-Sep-09 18:35:16

I was not an easy teenager - due to a mother who really couldn't give a shit, I was homeless during my gcses. I'm 35, I just got my apology from her on saturday.

slushy06 Mon 07-Sep-09 18:37:10

I disagree I did drugs and slept around terrible even letting my mum walk in on me because I just did not care I got in trouble with police got expelled from school. Now part of why I did this because of a traumatic event that I blamed my mum for not protecting me when she didn't even know she tried to make things better but I wouldn't forgive her.

What turned my life around to make me v successfull was my mum telling me when I was 16 either I went to counseling or I left her house, she supported me and was there every step of the way through counselling but the ultimatum was the kick up the bum was what I needed and sooner or later we have to take responsibilty for our actions we cant blame everything on our parents I choose to act that way others have gone through what i did and worse and not tried to destroy themselves and those who love them and only I could choose to stop.

I would give her an ultimatum and make it clear you will give her all the support she needs as long as she is willing to try and sort her life out.

LynetteScavo Mon 07-Sep-09 18:39:08

Don't give up on her.

Thank heavens my mophter has never given up on me.

YOu don have to do teh best for all your children though, which makes this tricky.

kathyis6incheshigh Mon 07-Sep-09 18:40:46

Depression is awful. Living with someone with depression is awful.
You can't give up on her, but you are entitled to say 'I cannot tolerate living with your behaviour at the moment, I will help you find somewhere else to live for a while until we can co-exist more successfully.' I know several people whose mothers did this and it has not damaged their relationship long-term.
It isn't that unusual for mothers and daughters to get on terribly when the daughter is a teenager and for the relationship to improve a lot by the mid-twenties. But if you cut her off completely and give up on her that can't ever happen.

Tortington Mon 07-Sep-09 18:42:02

i think its reasonable to support your child whilst they aren't living with you - as long as they always know that you love them and will support them and if it comes to the end of the road they can always come home.

sometimes people who love eachother just can't live together.

but it doesn't mean that they should stop loving each other

now the thing is how you couch this.

go looking for a flat together , help her move in and give her some money to get started. help her budget - get her a flat share - make sure she;s safe

tell her you love her but you both know its not working - lets see if it can work this way

she must be absolutely clear that you love her and she can come home if it goes tits up

SolidGoldBrass Mon 07-Sep-09 18:47:21

There must be a reason for her behaviour. Did something happen when she was 12 that you know about (eg a death in the family, you and her father splitting up, an accident or injury or serious illness affecting either her or someone close to her).
If you really can't think of anything obvious, have you tried asking her directly what happened 6 years ago? Because this behaviour could indicate that something bad happened to her then which she kept from you.
Mind you, verbal abuse won't kill you. Can you not rise above it, given that it is coming from your own DD who is clearly acting out some serious distress? You do not mention any physical abuse of you or other family members: can you not think to yourself when she calls you a cunt that this is no worse than the toddler she used to be screaming 'I hate you mummy'?

blinder Mon 07-Sep-09 18:47:24

why does either one of you have to be a bad person? you sound very judgmental to me sorry. it sounds very much as if you are in a power struggle with each other.

you can't make her happy but you don't have to totally reject her either. calling her a bitch and a pig demonstrates that you are just as angry, and probably just as difficult to live with as her.

i wonder if she is more like you than you would really like to admit? I hope you are both able to find a relationship with each other that overcomes this abuse.

waitingforbedtime Mon 07-Sep-09 18:52:31

I know 18 is legally an adult but not all 18 year olds are really adults I dont think. I wasnt! I was quite immature at 18 but by 25 I had a degree, was married with a baby etc so I 'caught up'. Maybe she'll be like this?

Dont ever give up on her, please. She will never stop being your daughter. You will never stop being her mother. She needs to know that and she needs to know that whilst you might not always like her that you will always love her and will always be there for her. You never know really why she is being like this, maybe there is an underlying reason causing it all, including the depression. Depression is a buzz word I admit which people can and do use ot excuse all kinds of behaviour but it is also a cruel, debilitating and life changing ilness and you need ot give her the benefit of the doubt with this. Please help her. she probably feels very very very alone.

Custardo's idea seems a good one tbh BUT I would be very very very worried that she would feel pushed out. Like I say 18 IS young. Also, dont compare her to her brothers and sisters - its a killer doing that, trust me! It makes you (as the person being compared unfavourably) feel as if it doesnt matterr what you do now, you will always be the 'bad one'. Give her a chanceor chances to wipe the slate clean, let her know that, dont refer to past misdemeanors, ever. Maybe see if she'll be involved iwth buying things for the baby or whatever?

Good luck, I know it must be very difficult.

waitingforbedtime Mon 07-Sep-09 18:54:23

excuse typos - sorry!

slowreadingprogress Mon 07-Sep-09 19:00:43

totally agree with custardo and kathy's posts.

curiositykittykat Mon 07-Sep-09 19:03:53

bad mother I'm afraid...

She's your daughter, she has depression, she needs your help and support and at 18 is barely an adult.

I understand that it is very difficult for you but you should not call her a bitch (especially not on a public forum).

I was like her (undiagnosed hypothyroid) and diagnosed severe depression from 12. My parents blamed me and threw me out at 16. They are both doctors and should have known better but did not (perhaps did not want to) believe my diagnosis as they felt it would mean they had failed. They still don't fully accept that I was ill.

I was the eldest and my behaviour impacted my 3 younger siblings greatly. I believe kicking me out was the only choice they could have made at the time given that they were completely unwilling to accept I was ill and had to think about the other children.

Doing this caused me great harm however. I will probably be affected by it for the rest of my life as I was unable to continue my education and although we have rebuilt our relationship over the last couple of years, I will never forgive my mum for a lot of things, which causes her and I great sadness.

You need to think very carefully about what choosing this view will mean. She will always be your daughter, you'll always have to have something to do with her and some responsibilty for her. Washing your hands of her and her problems is not an option. Making her change is not an option either.

Have you been in family therapy? What treatment is she having?

Speaking personally, I am very lucky that I am fine now. I could very easily have ended up dead or with HIV or other terrible things. If you wash your hands of her and this happens will you still ignore her and not feel anything?

When my parents kicked me out I was drinking and self-harming. The self-harm is one reason they gave for making me leave. I lived with my boyfriend for a while then went back home and was kicked out again.

Being kicked out made me worse. It confirmed all my feelings of being a terrible unwanted dark thing.

When I came back I added to the drinking and self-harming with stealing from them, taking drugs and having casual sex. This is why they kicked me out again. I would and did take medication but it took a long time to get the right medication and even then it only takes the edge of. I believe I needed therapy, which I never got.

When they kicked me out the second time everything got worse, I didn't need to steal to fund my self-destruction as I got a £6000 inheritance and drank, swallowed and stuck it all up my nose. I almost succeeded in killing myself as my suicide attempts got more and more serious.

I ended up in a serious of relationships with abusive men with drug or drink addictions.

Things began to change for me when I got pregnant at 18. My abusive boyfriend forced me into an abortion - the ward nurse watched him threatening me into signing the papers with a shaking hand, through tears and did nothing.

The same abusive boyfriend is the father of my first two children. I was diagnosed with hypothyroid after my ds was born and since then the depression has been better and/or manageable. I am now married, happily and successful in my life.

My life is good now, my parents know very little of the missing years and my family and I are all very close. There are things though that I will never forgive them for. We are all lucky, I could easily be dead, in prison or dying of a horrible illness related to alcohol addiction or sexual promiscuity. Replace me with your daughter when you are thinking about asking her to leave.

I don't agree with the people who say she needs to learn to take responsibility. If you have depression this is not possible until you get a grip on your illness.

curiositykittykat Mon 07-Sep-09 19:04:31

If you ask her to leave she will not be able to look after herself.

piscesmoon Mon 07-Sep-09 19:09:50

I don't think you ever give up. She sounds a very unhappy young woman. You don't necessarily have to live together if it isn't working but you need to help her move out and support her.

blueshoes Mon 07-Sep-09 19:24:07

curiosity, I read your story with interest. It raises important points. It is very fortunate that you have been able to turn your life around despite being kicked out twice.

I agree that it is harsh for OP to ask her child to leave the house. But what of her child's destructive behaviour and verbal abuse towards her mother?

Should OP just take it, or do you have strategies for OP to draw boundaries on poor behaviour short of kicking her dd out. Is there any benefit in allowing OP's dd to hit rock bottom so that she can come to the self-realisation that she needs to help herself get better.

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