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To be mad at dad? (Sorry long rant)

(12 Posts)
heartmoonshadow Mon 07-Sep-09 11:26:34

To cut a long story short my mum died a few years ago and dad now has new partner. They have moved in together and live about 1hr drive away. Since Dad has moved in with this woman he has been happier than he has in years so I am pleased for him.

The problem is that he has lived with her for over 3 years now and not once have me or my siblings ever been invited to see where they live. We constantly have them to us at least once a month each just so dad sees his grandchildren.

I have recently had a baby and I was hoping that this would perhaps get us an invite - but no - nothing.

You may say just go over and see them unannounced but as it is her house I would feel very uncomfortable without an invite - I have hinted to dad several times but he just mutters about the house needing to be decorated/tidied etc.

What annoys me more is that she has grandchildren which she sees every day and they call my dad Grandpa - I am being unreasonable and jealous I know but I feel my dad is a sheep and will go along with her so long as he gets an easy life.

It is awful to say but had my mum still been alive we would have literally had to peel both of them away and send them home so my dad's indifference now upsets me.

claw3 Mon 07-Sep-09 11:38:03

My mum and step dad have been together for about 20 years and i have never been invited to theirs. My mum always comes to us, although we do sometimes see my step dad at other family functions.

Its quite simple he doesnt have any kids of his own, he doesnt like kids or can only suffer them in small doses.

I dont have a problem with that, not everyone enjoys having children around.

heartmoonshadow Mon 07-Sep-09 16:03:20

WOW Claw 20 years - that is tough.

To be honest it is more that the girlfriend is happy to have her own family in her life but is restricting dad being with us by default. When mum was here we were a very close family - it just appears that my dad is being very much lead by his dumb stick!

Eddas Mon 07-Sep-09 16:14:43

heartmoonshadow, ditto for me apart from we are invited over, but it's a bit like going to visit the queen when we do! It's all very false and 'oh isn't the dinner lovely' <<all bought from M&S and tossed out of the tray so hardly anything to be overly whooppee about<<scarstic emoticon>>

My mum died 6 years ago, dad met his new wife not long after and married about 2 years after they met, her kids are always there. Well her daughter is, I think her son keeps away wink

I was on the phone to dad the other day and it all came tumbling out, the fact that her dd is always there and when she has kids(she has just got married and doubt it'll be that long away) he'll see them much more than he sees mine and how it wouldn't be like that if things were differentsad I think he knew that I felt like that(so do my DBro and Dsis but they have no children yet) but i've never acutally said how I feel.

I know exactly how you feel but I don't think you'll change anything. I know my dad's wife doesn't like children. She told MIL who was a bit hmm It's just a shame our dad's are so spineless isn't it? If my mum was still here they would be very close with my children and it breaks my heart. Especially when I see relationships my friends kids have with their GP, but I try not to think about it too much as I end up blubbering sad and in the end I think well it's your loss Dadsad

Much sympathy from me {{{{hugs}}}}

Eddas Mon 07-Sep-09 16:17:19

just to add also that my mum would be very very disappointed in my dad. She was very much looking forward to having dgcsad I think at some point in the future it'll get to the stage where I tell Dad that too, which I hope I don't as it won't change anything but it's true

LittleSarah Mon 07-Sep-09 16:23:42

But heartmoonshadow hasn't been invited even when childless so presumably it is not about the kids?

I have a similar situtation with my dad heart. Not as bad, we have been round but only twice in a few years and it very much feels - to us - like his girlfriend's home, and yes her kids are round more often. Also we had the 'the place is too messy' excuse for a year.

My dad is a bit of a sheep too, and although I know there is nothing in it it does annoy me at times. My dad also will never take a hint, he is oblivious to them! Things are improving though as last time my dad and girlfriend were round she said they'd have to have us next time.

I think you do need to say, gently, but directly, that you feel hurt never to have been invited, say you'd like to see his home even just for half an hour paint pots and all!

LittleSarah Mon 07-Sep-09 16:25:24

Sorry edda, x-posted!

I thought it was just me!

heartmoonshadow Mon 07-Sep-09 16:30:05

Thanks for the sympathy ladies it is much appreciated - you are right Little Sarah I should say something like that - we are going to a family wedding soon so I may bring it up on the drive there (we are all going together in a minibus joy or joys!).

My dad like yours a little dense as far as what may be upsetting someone - I am sure he doesn't even notice it!

One thing that did make me laugh was my teenage nephew who said to me the other day.
"You know that advert where the couple do EVERYTHING together and are tied at the hip - that's grandad and his girlfriend". He meant the dodgy ad so even the kids have noticed.

In someways I feel even sorrier for my nieces and nephews as they are all teenagers and were VERY close to my parents, staying over all the time and going out for the day and on holiday with them. I suppose in one way my little one will never suffer the cruelty of being cut off as he was never had the contact in the first place

claw3 Tue 08-Sep-09 13:27:28

Heart - My mum and step dad sound similar, im sure if my step dad had kids they would have been invited, its a shame but it appears that its easier to want your own kids around you, than it is someone elses.

Even before i had kids and was a kid myself my mum had her life with me, then her life with my step dad, they lived apart.

Its a shame as your dad and step mum are missing out.

Kathrina Tue 08-Sep-09 13:34:57

That happened to me to but i was the grandchild! My Nan died 22 yrs ago and after 5 yrs my Grandad met someone else. Strange thing is she lives across the road from my parents. When my Nan died i was with my Grandad a lot helping him to shop and keeping him company and when he met this woman he totally ignored me. I went across to see him one day and he just left me standing there i was only 11! I ran across home and cried my eyes out. My mum fell out with him over it and never spoke to him again. He died 2 yrs ago on Thurs and we never went to his funeral we were not even mentioned in the Newspaper but his 'other children/grandchildren' were. Strange thing is my Mum encouraged him to find someone new she didnt want him to be on his own. I can fully understand how you feel!

groundhogs Thu 10-Sep-09 00:57:25

Horrible situation, but you know it may be nothing more sinister than your Dad not feeling comfortable enough in her house to feel he can invite.. and being a bloke, hates any confrontation, or possible refusal, so won't find the balls to bring it up....

Maybe her house isn't very tidy, perhaps it's small, not that nice or whatever. At least he IS meeting up with you.... the contact is there, that's the main thing. Don't read anything into it, men are seldom that complex LOL!

diddl Thu 10-Sep-09 08:12:45

Perhaps he still views it as "her" house & doesn´t feel he has the "right" to ask people around?

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