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to think people needn't bring up my past at every available opportunity?

(40 Posts)
RealityIsNOTDetoxing Mon 07-Sep-09 10:54:52

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girlafraid Mon 07-Sep-09 10:56:50

Good lord - do people really do this?
I think this is one of those situations where you have every right to tell them to sod off and I wouldn't even care if they wanted to say such things behind my back but they should really mind their manners to your face

Tell them they are not funny - they clearly think they are

YANBU

Buda Mon 07-Sep-09 10:57:35

I would just keep on saying "well we can't all be as lucky as you - it takes some of us longer to strike gold". And then if they keep on I would get all sarcastic. "Me? Married before. Thanks for reminding me. I had totally forgotten." With rolled eyes. They will soon get the message.

potplant Mon 07-Sep-09 10:58:04

Have you ever said to your mum that you don't like it or that joking about it in front of your DP is inappropriate.

If you have never challenged it then they may think that you don't mind it.

and YANBU

RealityIsNOTDetoxing Mon 07-Sep-09 11:00:10

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ThingumyandBob Mon 07-Sep-09 11:10:19

YANBU at all, in any way!! Getting engaged more than once is not exactly that bigger deal nowadays! What were you meant to do, do what they did in the ‘olden days’ and languish in an unhappy marriage?? You could throw that back at them! At least you are liberated and happy.

Personally, and this is just me, if the joking about staying in an unhappy marriage didn’t work I would get firm and have a ready rehearsed line to very politely and assertively tell them to wind their necks in.

Something along the line of: it really isn’t fair or polite to keep bringing this up in front of [new DP’s name], I’m sure we have all done things in the past that we wish turned out differently it is not healthy to be constantly reminded. I would like you to stop.

Mind you, I can be a bit er…assertive at time, my mother was making a repeated comment that upset me and I told her very kindly, but firmly and she packed it in, straight away.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Mon 07-Sep-09 11:16:47

Make it clear that if they don't stop, they won't be coming to your wedding.

They obviously don't need too as they came to the other one, hmmangry

I was engaged twice before before I met my hubby and would have told anyone to bog off who made comments.

ThingumyandBob Mon 07-Sep-09 11:17:57

If it ends in a row you could stand your ground, if they say ‘you can’t take a joke’ stay calm and very calmly say, yes, but this isn’t a ‘joke’ it is a ‘joke’ if both side find it funny and I do not. The leave the room or go home.

I love my parents, but they are live on another planet to me and used to really upset me, I reached a point where I had had enough, we fell out for a bit, but they respect my different way of life now and I learnt that just because they are parents doesn’t make them right!

‘My different way of life’ was to get divorced, shock horror, meet a lovely new guy sometime afterwards, get pregnant by accident keep the baby but still not be married 5 years later…. We all get along nicely now though!

TheProfiteroleThief Mon 07-Sep-09 11:20:38

I'd speak to your mum, quietly and just say that although you are happy, and you know they are happy for you, the jokes do upset you a bit. Say that you want to look forwards rather than backwards and it is really important to know that you have their support.

ThingumyandBob Mon 07-Sep-09 11:21:51

….and congrats on your engagement!! I was talking to a friend of mine and we were comparing how good it was to have been married before and be with someone new (she has re-married) your learn a lot form the 1st one so you have a better time the 2nd time around!!

DandyLioness Mon 07-Sep-09 11:26:09

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heartmoonshadow Mon 07-Sep-09 11:29:23

YANBU - I am in my second mariage and I had this a little - so I just asked my family if they respected my DH - they said yes and I pointed out that it did not seem so, did they realise how hurt he was and they stopped. Sometimes you just need to be blunt.

Prinpo Mon 07-Sep-09 11:35:17

YANBU. Agree with other posters - it's not bloody well funny to keep on doing something that's upsetting. That old line about not being able to take a joke is just a smokescreen. Perhaps turn the tables and start making a joke about something they're particularly sensitive about and then point out that it's not so funny to be on the receiving end. (Mmm, I'm feeling a bit harsh today...)

So what if you've been engaged and married before? Hardly makes you Liz Taylor! Glad you've found someone you'll be happy with.

daisymaybe Mon 07-Sep-09 11:38:14

They may not realise how hurtful it is. Sometimes a "joke" like that just becomes too easy and comfortable, I'm sure that any friends or family worth their salt will stop if you explain that it's upsetting you. Better to get it out of the way now rather than have your wedding potentially ruined by thoughtless digs.

CurlyQueen Mon 07-Sep-09 11:40:43

"I'm sure that any friends or family worth their salt will stop if you explain that it's upsetting you."

I hope that any friends or family will stop if you explain that it's upsetting you. Sadly family members don't always realise that the rules of politeness and society still apply to people you are related to.

slowreadingprogress Mon 07-Sep-09 11:43:51

ok so here's the poster you're going to hate but why bother with getting engaged?

You've done it before, to me getting engaged before being married is very much a 'first wedding' thing. Certainly an engagement party when this is your third engagement does seem to be perfectly honest, rather odd. People do only expect to go to one engagement party imho!.

HecatesTwopenceworth Mon 07-Sep-09 11:45:40

fight fire with fire? Is there anything in her life she wouldn't want to be constantly brought up? sometimes people need to get a taste of their own medicine to see what it's really like!

I suggest that only because you've already told her directly that you don't like it and she doesn't care!

wheredidiputmyfone Mon 07-Sep-09 11:46:48

I had exactly this! I was engaged at 17 (as if I knew what I was doing at that age!) and again to a bloke I'd been seeing for three years, but married neither of them. My granny on hearing the news that I was getting married to my DH (of 10 years now) was 'Oh, how long for this time?' hmm My dad also thought it was OK to say at our reception that they were wondering whether I'd ever find the right one!

I'm not sure why some people think it wont make you feel uncomfortable saying things like this, perhaps it's a reflection on them rather than the person they're saying it to?

RealityIsNOTDetoxing Mon 07-Sep-09 11:48:45

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slowreadingprogress Mon 07-Sep-09 11:49:11

but thing is also in life, we have to take it on the chin sometimes. We have to live with the fruits of our actions.

If you get engaged three times, people are going to notice it, comment on it, basically. If you're going to do it, surely you have to take it on the chin. Because it's not something you HAVE to do. You don't HAVE to get engaged and have a party.

squeaver Mon 07-Sep-09 11:49:19

People just don't think do they?

At my SIL's wedding I mentioned - in a small-talk way - to BIL's mother that he was looking very relaxed and not too nervous.

"Well he's done it before" she said.

(BIL has been married very briefly before in one of those childhood sweetheart, divorced by the time they were 22 situations.).

diddl Mon 07-Sep-09 11:49:24

I think it depends if the new partner has "done it all before"
If I´d been engaged and had a party before, I perhaps wouldn´t want a party again.
Bu if my new partner hadn´t, and did want a party?
And I´m sure I´d want a ring again! blush

squeaver Mon 07-Sep-09 11:50:25

And is there anything more infuriating than being told you "can't take a joke"???

So of course yanbu, reality

slowreadingprogress Mon 07-Sep-09 11:50:57

He should, yes reality - but the reality (ha ha) is that he is marrying someone who has that history. That's the reality. You do have to deal with the reality and act accordingly, OR take it on the chin if people comment, which they will at a third engagement party, clearly.

edam Mon 07-Sep-09 11:56:19

People are bound to comment if you are getting engaged for the third time. Especially if you make a big deal of it by having an engagement party (agree with slowreading on this one - and aren't you bored of them by now?).

Of course if it's upsetting you, ask your family to stop.

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