long story - I have offended a friend. Is it me or not?

[susia]

Please could you advise me. I have offended an old friend but don't know if she should be so offended or what to do.

My friend is my DD (aged 8)godmother. I only got her christened last year though. My friend has a DS of a similar age and lives about 2 hours from me. We usually go and stay with each other a few times a year or least she stays with me, I've only been invited to hers a couple of times in recent years.

Anyway, I am a single parent and work part time and find life quite tiring at the moment. I am possibly about to be made redundant, my DD is changing schools and her Dad is being very difficult and hasnt seen her for over a year.

When I see my friend we usually have a good weekend but the children tend to argue and the problem I have is that my friend has endless energy and wants to do things from morning to night over the weekend and I end up feeling shattered.

She rang at the beginning of the summer asking if she could come to stay for a weekend and said she wanted to go somewhere that is about an hours drive away, quite expensive (for me at least) and somewhere I'd recently been to. I wrote (I thought) I really polite email saying for those reasons, I'd love to see her but would rather do something more local and cheaper. I had no reply so I rang her and tried to explain but she didn't seem to understand so I ended up saying (regretably) that I ended up feeling exhausted after we spent the weekend together. The conversation ended ok but I did feel I had been way too blunt.

Since then I have called and emailed and she hasn't replied. I even said it was my DD's birthday coming up and that she was changing schools etc and she didn't send a card even though she is her godmother.

I want to apologise but the problem is that what I said was true - I also felt at the time quite irritated to be fair that she invited herself for a weekend with already a plan of what she wanted to do while here and wouldn't accept my reasons for not doing them or let me entertain her. Most importantly though I feel really upset for my DD and upset that she has got so offended that she hasn't acknowledged my DD's birthday.

My friend does get upset easily and I do feel that I can't ever say no to her without her being offended. On the other hand I am fairly tactless.

Any advice?

[wishingchair]

Doesn't sound like you were tactless to me ... more stating the fact ... but obviously I wasn't there to hear the tone etc. I would say she was BU in not sending a birthday card to your DD ... not her fault and her godmotherly duties are with her directly, regardless of how she feels about you. Have you tried to get in touch since DD's birthday?

[susia]

I feel it is really difficult to walk on eggshells around someone but when I said no it really offended her...

[LyraSilvertongue]

I don't think you were tactless. Your friend is way too upset over this and behaving ridiculously childishly by ignoring your DD's birthday.

[susia]

her birthday was only a couple of weeks ago so no. I don't know what to say now, whether to apologise or what to do/say

[LyraSilvertongue]

Why should she be able to invite herself to your house and dictate what you do? And then sulk when you say you'd rather do something else? YANBU at all.

[HecatesTwopenceworth]

So she was already offended by you saying you couldn't afford to do what she suggested and had some problems?

That's unreasonable of her! A good friend would be supportive of you.

However, telling her that she leaves you knackered was a bit blunt

Still, a good friend would not chuck her dummy out of the pram at that. Depends how you put it I suppose.

What should you do? Well, depends if you are the type of person who can just get on with things or if you are the type who obsesses over something until it is resolved!

Of the former I'd say leave it, let her get over herself!

If the latter, you could email again, saying that you are sorry if she was upset by your email, but you have a lot going on atm and were feeling quite stressed.

at the end of the day, if she's one of these who expects you to crawl on your belly begging for forgiveness, maybe it's best to start pulling away anyway?

I don't think that you should apologise for something that you meant - maybe for the way you said it - but if you can't be honest with your friend - is she a friend at all?

[wishingchair]

Don't think you've anythign to apologise for. It's true you end up feeling knackered. She was being v.presumptious planning entire weekend for you and you have a right to disagree with her and state your opinion. Would say really that the ball is in her court ...

[susia]

lyrasilvertongue - (good name btw) that is what I feel but don't want to lose a friend or for my son to lose his godmother. So what do I do now...

[Mumcentreplus]

aww..sometimes friends can be funny creatures but you are good friends and you have to be honest with her..give her a call and tell her again how you feel..tell her you love her and that you want everything to be cool..and remind her about DD's birthday she probably forgot!..she's a sensitive soul but so are you!

[Sycamoretreeisvile]

I don't think YABU in the first instance. Sounds like she is quite blinkered to what your life is like as a single mum and hasn't made much effort to see things from your perspective.

However, only you know how blunt you were when putting this over. I have a friend with the same issues as you (re can't say something negative with any real grace) and it can be a bit grating, but TBH she has so many problems I just grit my teeth and move past it when she's like that.

She's a grown up and it's wrong of her to ignore your DD in all of this, especially given her GM role. TBH from your thread title I had expected your "sin" to be much worse than this.

If you want to mend the friendship - if you think you get out of it more than the negatives then you need to keep try to communicate with her. If you've called many times she is probably call screening .

I think, if you haven't already, you need to apologies for the terribly blunt and not very nice way you said what you were feeling. Wait for her to come back to you and when it's safe to, try and tell her how you feel in nicer terms.

If you need help with how to say what you want to say, use MN. An incredible resource for just this kind of situation

Good luck.

[pjmama]

I think taking it out on your DS because she's annoyed with you is pretty low tbh, regardless of who's right or wrong.

If you really want to mend things but she's refusing to speak to you, all you can do is put it all in an email and leave the ball in her court. If she's a true friend she'll stop sulking eventually!

[wishingchair]

Well in that case, I'd call her for normal chat, try to figure out during the call whether you need to address the issue head on or if you both would rather sweep it under the carpet. You might want to drop in to conversation how DD's birthday went though!

[susia]

yes you are right it is totally the way I said it that was wrong but not what I should have said tactfully. I am tactless and have offended her many times before.

To be honest some of my other friends who know her have said in the past that they think the reason she does so much is because she is ex anorexic and feels she needs to burn off energy.

I like to do stuff but like to chill out at the weekend too.

[LyraSilvertongue]

Thanks Susia.
I thought you had a daughter. Or did I read that wrong?

[susia]

she is one of those people who has her answermachines on all the time so don't really want to call again (only called once and emailed once).

I know I was blunt but the things I said were true and I didn't another weekend rushing around, driving for miles etc I said I wanted to chill out and do local things with her. She said that if she is going a long way somewhere she wants it to be busy while she is there...

[susia]

LST - sorry I meant DD (have a son too)

[LyraSilvertongue]

She's being very selfish. She may want to be busy but you don't. She's not considering your wishes at all.

[LyraSilvertongue]

Oh
I thought my mind was playing tricks on me

[Mumcentreplus]

well you know how she is she's a friend..but I really believe in being honest..all relationships are about compromise..she can't totally control the situation..

[susia]

LST also have had to change (a couple of minor)details just in case she is on MN cos that would be awful and really nail the friendship on the head.

[HerBeatitude]

You've offended her many times before? Is she very prone to taking offence?

[Rosesinautumn]

What would you apologise for though? It seems to me you were perfectly reasonable in your email, she should have got back to you saying 'No problem at all chick, but would still love to see you. What do you suggest we do?" and then you wouldn't have been put into a position where you had to be blunt (if infact you were).

Not sending a card to DD is just petty. I really think the onus is on her to make amends with you not the other way round but equally I'm not sure it's worth losing a friendship over. Perhaps and email saying that whilst you hope you haven't offended her, as that was never your intention, you just needed her to see things from your perspective and are in need of some support at the moment? If she doesn't respond then I guess you know what kind of friend she truly is...or not.

[susia]

roseinautumn, thank you I think you are right. I think I should put an email in that sort of way. I was also tempted to say that I was sorry for my DD in that she should see/hear from her godmother but thought maybe that'd just be another tactless thing to say.

She does take offense very easily, and I have to be careful around her more so than with anyone else.

Maybe I'll just wait till Christmas and see if she sends a card.