to think H is a giant knobend disguised as a normal human being

[Nomoretears]

My first AIBU (regular but namechanger) so be gentle!

H and I are having problems - to put it mildly! After a particularly fraught day we have a calm conversation about the prospect of splitting up. Ahhhh the relief - until H says that he intends to "fight me all the way" for residence of the children and if I win he'll never see the kids again.

FFS this is a man who routinely does absolutely sweet fa with regard to both kids (9 mths and nearly five) yet seemingly believes that he can handle them 24/7. Not altogether surprising in itself (first sign of knobbiness) but I found his second comment just horrifying. Why would you just abandon your kids just because you didn't win?? So they meant enough to you for you to try to wrench them from the parent who does the majority of the caring but not enough to make sure that they retain a bit of stability in their lives when you separate?

I'm not being unreasonable, am I? I'm prepared to be perfectly reasonable - I mean, he may be a shitty husband but up until now he's been a perfectly acceptable father. I would be pretty open to him having as much contact as the kids could handle. It feels like blackmail to me - "if you leave me I'll put you through hell and then leave my kids without a father" - or perhaps I'm over thinking it...

Whatever - I think he's a total knobend. Hopefully someone will agree...

[nickschick]

Its a control thing - he knows where to hit.

Dont rise to it.

[MaryMotherOfCheeses]

He's being a knob.

Ignore him and stick with what you need to do for yourself and the kids.

[Alambil]

no, you're not

he's a bastard trying to get you to cave in - one of the things they know will hurt is saying shit about the kids

bastard. call his bluff

[Doctorskidaddle]

of course everyone will agree - I would be completely horrified. Hopefully he is just saying this now and will not follow through. poor you

[Northernlurker]

He sounds like a spoilt whinging child - and yes a giant knobend! What are you going to do?

[CarGirl]

He's a knob but def a controlling knob. Ignore him, ignore him, ignore him.

[Nomoretears]

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Thought for a minute he was right and I am "mental".

Will try to breathe and rise above - good idea about calling his bluff Lewisfan!

[colditz]

I dealt with my ex's threats along these lines by saying "You do whatever you feel is right for the children. It's them you will have to answer to in 15 years time"

[Nomoretears]

Northernlurker - I'm going to leave anyway. Fuck him.

[bigchris]

people will say anything in the heat of a situation as traumatic as discussing splitting up

are you 100% sure you want to?

if yes you can use his threats to ensure he doesnt get residency

[Nomoretears]

Oh but Colditz - he reckons that in 15 years time it'll be me receiving the cold shoulder from the kids when they realise what a monster I am.

KNOBEND KNOBEND KNOBEND etc.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Prepares to be flamed - be gentle, I'm just trying to think through if there could be any other reason to behave so horribly -

Has he any personal experience of a marital breakdown where the two adults used their children as weapons against each other, making life a misery for the children? Could he possibly see one sole happy parent as preferable to two fighting parents with the children being the war zone? If he hasn't, then yeah, he's probably a dickhead just trying to twist the knife in the most despicable way.

[NeverLeapfrogOverAUnicorn]

because he doesn't care about the kids, he is using them as a weapon against you.

[Nomoretears]

Bigchris - I'm 100% sure I want out of this relationship. I'm actually at the point where his constant abuse is making me want to hurt myself. This can't be good for my kids.

[Nomoretears]

You won't be flamed Whereyouleft it! It's always good to get another perspective but no he has no personal experience of marital breakdown. His parents were together until his Dad passed away albeit in a totally dysfunctional relationship.

I'm sorry if I sound heartless towards him - I guess that I've made so many excuses for him over the years and I've just reached the point where I can't be bothered to think of reasons WHY he's being a knobend - just that he is!

[dizzymare]

Is he friends with my fuckmuppet of a H? Similar stuff is going on here at the moment, except my H has already left with his slag. All I can advise is get some legal help or info as soon as you can, don't leave it. Someone pointed me in the direction of wikivorce, they've got some really good advice re seperation and divorce.

Good luck x

[Nomoretears]

NeverLeapfrogOveraUnicorn - that's the thing. He LOVES the kids and they adore the pants off him! They're all he's got now that his parents have passed away and he's estranged from his family.

I just can't get my head around him even thinking that let alone saying it. I can't muster any sympathy for him anymore. It's just so unbelievably selfish.

[Nomoretears]

Dizzymare How are you doing? Fuckmuppet is SUCH a good word - much much better than knobend!

[mathanxiety]

Well, if you weren't completely 100% sure about splitting up before you had your little talk, I hope you are now. YANBU, the H is a giant knobhead, and also a person who sees his DCs as weapons to use against you, or his personal property. Also, incapable of seeking compromise and reasonable/ fair solutions or win/ win solutions (for now anyway; wait until he gets talking to a solicitor and finds out how much it will cost him to fight you tooth and nail).

[dizzymare]

Nomoretears, I'm up and down, but that's to be expected. Do we 'know' each other, have we chatted before? Don't out yourself, I was just wondering x

I've stolen fuckmuppet off of Deemented

[Nomoretears]

You're so right mathanxiety - this is the final nail in the coffin. I doubt he'll even get as far as speaking to a solicitor - he'd actually have to get off his backside and do something for a change. Normally he leaves all that stuff to me!

[Nomoretears]

We don't really "know" each other except that I've been lurking on your threads and silently wishing you strength. You might know me but it's always difficult to gauge how well-known you are on MN without seeing a bit ... well, up your own arse IYSWIM!

Did you manage to get your legal advice about contact? Sounds like your H is a real catch for his new floozy...not!

[Nomoretears]

Sorry that last post was to Dizzymare!

[WhereYouLeftIt]

Well in that case he is, in the words of Dizzymare, a fuckmuppet, and the comments about controlling seem appropriate too. If he loves his kids but is using this threat then it's all about hurting you rather than stating his intentions. Either he will see his kids post-divorce, or you and your children are well shot of him. Looks like a win/win to me! Keep those anger levels up, it's amazing what they can get you through ...

[Nomoretears]

Whereyouleftit - that's what I don't get - why wouldn't he want to hurt me because I want to split up? I'm giving him exactly what he's been seeking these five years since we've had kids - his freedom. He spends his days telling me how awful it is being stuck with me, how horrible I am, how ugly I am, how many beautiful women he meets on a daily basis and how all of them want him blah blah fucking blah (sorry)

So far as I see it, he should be jumping for joy not seeking out ways to hurt me.

Knobend, fuckmuppet etc. etc.