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i have turfed DP out

(14 Posts)
ithinkican Sun 06-Sep-09 18:27:27

He has a £200 a week habit. I cant even type the word,I thought I could deal with it, I cant, he had to go, where do I go from here, I love him so much but unfortunately there is always something more important in his life.

We have a good lifestyle, nice house good jobs and on the outside things look dandy, so for a long time I have thought why rock the boat, what harm does it do?.

Please tell me I am right, in the next day or so he will start pleading to come back and I need him to admit he has a problem before I will consider his return. The problem is for him to stop would mean a complete upheaval of all of us, this place we live in is rife with drugs.

Oh i feel so sick to my stomach

Hassled Sun 06-Sep-09 18:30:32

Ultimately it's up to him whether he quits or not. And up to him to prove to you that he has quit. You've done the right thing, and should be feeling very proud of yourself - give it all time.

ithinkican Sun 06-Sep-09 18:36:31

I feel very sad, the kids keep asking where is daddy, they obviously have no idea, so I am going to be the bad guy to them and everyone else who wonders why he is not here sad

not feeling very proud at all, I feel physically sick, my stomach has been in turmoil all day

MissSunny Sun 06-Sep-09 18:38:34

Message withdrawn

Northernlurker Sun 06-Sep-09 18:41:01

You're not the bad guy! You are protecting yourself and your kids and trying to get your dp to wake up to the fact that he's let something into his life which WILL totally fuck it up if he doesn't change.

You're right all the way. If he changes then maybe you can look at things again and make a fresh start - but you've made your hard decision now he has to do his bit.

ithinkican Sun 06-Sep-09 18:43:04

MissSunny he is a lovely person with or without his habit, but occasionally when I say no to the money then there is tantrums and in my face shouting and threats, hence the turfing out. he doesnt think he has a problem, he says "I could be a complete bastard who drinks all night"

It is such a common drug around here you cannot get away from it,how did it get this bad?

ithinkican Mon 07-Sep-09 12:13:49

oh when will this stop hurting, I feel like im the one with the problem not him sad

girlafraid Mon 07-Sep-09 12:19:51

I do feel for you- and you are doing the right thing
If he really wants back he will seek help

Is there an organisation like Al Anon which supports the families of addicts who you could call?>

ithinkican Tue 08-Sep-09 07:19:46

I havent thought about any help groups to be honest, I dont think my head is ready for all that smile weak...

I called him last night so that the kids could speak to him, he was very drunk and crying so I told him they would speak to him another time, maybe tomorrow sad didnt know what else to say, if they had spoken to him drunk they would have wondered what on earth was going on and why daddy was so sad, I have told them he is away with work for now.

ithinkican Tue 08-Sep-09 07:19:47

I havent thought about any help groups to be honest, I dont think my head is ready for all that smile weak...

I called him last night so that the kids could speak to him, he was very drunk and crying so I told him they would speak to him another time, maybe tomorrow sad didnt know what else to say, if they had spoken to him drunk they would have wondered what on earth was going on and why daddy was so sad, I have told them he is away with work for now.

girlafraid Tue 08-Sep-09 08:30:33

ithinkican, would you post this in Relationships? There might be people there who can offer better advice xx

Madascheese Tue 08-Sep-09 08:39:21

ithinkican,

You are the only one who will know if you've done the right thing, personally I suspect your feelings of guilt come from the fact you've let it go on a while before taking a stand. You have taken a stand and think about your children, do you really want them growing up with the role models they would have if he'd stayed, with all the pressure it puts on you?

It will be tough (I've been there and am raising my 3yo alone) but just take one day, one thing at a time, break it down into smaller things and you will learn to cope (I promise you if I can anyone can)

I only left my DV relationship when I realised what impact it would have on my LO in the future, what he would learn about relationships and life from the exmaple he was being set.

I'll freely admit at the start I felt shell shocked and at times I did think about if I'd done the right thing. But I look at my gorgeous child now (2 1/2 years later) and can join in with his laughter and joy in life and I realise that no matter how tough it gets, it was the righ tthing to do.

Take care of yourself, sounds like Mums advice but, eat well and rest as much as you can, get out for walks with your kids (when you can) fly kites and watch leaves start to fall from trees. Help yourself learn there is more to life than a relationship that drains you.

So sorry if that sounds trite, it's tough to give snapshot advice. You can do this, you deserve better and oh, by the way, his choices are NOT your fault/problem/responsibility.

Take care big hugs,
xM

expatinscotland Tue 08-Sep-09 08:43:55

every time you feel guilty, ithinkican, just imagine how your life would be if he got caught with dope on him and you wound up with SS breathing down your neck or worse.

you did the right thing.

living with an addict is no good.

BadgersBait Tue 08-Sep-09 21:15:16

Can i just ask, how long have you known him for clean?

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