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to be upset at this or am i wrong and a prude?

(22 Posts)
meerkatsandkookaburras Sun 06-Sep-09 08:00:09

well, this is more an am i wrong than aibu!

Ill start from the beginning, me and dp have been together 3 yrs, my ds is 4 in november, hes like a dad to him as ds has no contact with his father. In the past i have found that dp has been on porn when ive been out with ds, soemthing i find really hurtful as ds is autistic and very hard work, he doesnt sleep well and yet i take him out to give dp a break sometimes when in reality its me that does everything for ds and needs a break. I have found out hes been on the porn these previous times by either the websites history bit (drop down thing at top of screen), previous google searches (drop down thing in toolbar!) and once just by actually looking into internet options etc etc and finding all viewed pages etc etc and it was on there - i checked that as he was acting very suspiciously and said he had been on pc all afternoon yet there was no browsing history, it had been deleted off the google box thingy.

So, each time ive told him if he must go on porn at least be honest about it and not do it when he supposedly needs a break from ds, i need a break too but a real break not just because i want to go on porn!!!!! He has always kind of denyed it and said he has once or twice but not these particular times etc etc, it was only a quick look etc. We have a pretty active sex life however im sometimes genuinely too tired to do anything, ds gets up at 4am everyday and needs constant care and attention, he doesnt sit down at all and has a lot of behavioural issues linked to the autism too so soemtimes when dp is "up for it" at 10.30pm i just dont feel like it as im shattered, but those times i would accept the porn i guess as its different if that makes sense?!

Anyway, yesterday id been up with ds early again and we had spend the day out as a family so by the time we got home about 4pm i was shattered and dp had ds for an hour while i went for a nap. when i came down and went on the laptop to reply to an email there was a porn window open. He denys it was anything to do with him, i know for a fact it cant be ds, noone else was in the house, we have full pop up blockers on so never get any pop ups (besides that surely a porn site wouldnt pop up something at 5pm if no porn been accessed then?!). The google search history had been deleted. And when i asked him he denyed it in a very guilty conscience way, yelling and saying why didnt i trust him etc. Ive checked the pop up blocker and its definately on, we use the laptop a lot and i know i have never ever seen a pop up come up so seems coincidental it would fail on porn at 5pm and when im in bed and he is using laptop?!?!

Am i unreasonable for insisting whatever he says he is lying and i want an apology? or is there some way he could be right?

leoleosuperstar Sun 06-Sep-09 08:10:08

I personally do not have too much of a problem with general porn.
I don't mind too much DH looking at it as long as I don't see it.
I think men do look at porn to relax.
That said if I realised he had accessed it whilst DS was about I would be very upset and I think you deserve to have an apology in the least.
You do not want your DS to be exposed to this accidentally and it's not on really as you have already said he can look at porn but not to lie.
I'm not sure about the whole pop up thing but I have a pop up blocker and never ever had a porn site pop up.

diddl Sun 06-Sep-09 08:15:38

I think a lot of us know that our hubby/partner looks at porn.
But it sounds as if the minute you´re out of the house your partner is looking at porn!
I guess I wouldn´t like that.
He shouldn´t lie, though.
But we have our own names & passwords.
I can´t see what hubby has looked at, he can´t see what I´ve looked at.
Ignorance is bliss!

meerkatsandkookaburras Sun 06-Sep-09 08:33:38

leoleosuperstar have you ever had any pop ups? i have never had a pop up at all since i put pop up blocker on soon after getting laptop so seems odd only one would be for porn at that time of day while he is using it?!

diddl maybe i should do that own passwords etc, i know its only knowing that bothers me, there are plenty of times i guess he probably has been on but i dont know and it doesnt bother me so much, its the knowing, and especially the whole when im out thing etc. though never thought he would do it while ds up and with him, i know ds will have been playing etc but still out of order isnt it i think, not like we havent had sex in months, its only been a matter of a couple of days!

TheDMshouldbeRivened Sun 06-Sep-09 08:45:36

sounds like he should be helping you more with your ds than looking at porn. I hate porn myself.

Neon Sun 06-Sep-09 08:45:51

It's the denying it that annoys me. When fishing for the truth in a jestful manner and DP getting defensive with result being full - blown argument.
YANBU about wanting the truth! In my experience - pop-up's don't appear like that for no reason and he's either accessed a virus or it 'popped up' and he didn't notice... You might want to check out the virus situ - they are v sneaky...

As diddl says - I have my own computer and no reason to look at DP's puter so ignorance is bliss.

peppapighastakenovermylife Sun 06-Sep-09 08:48:42

I think he needs to be a lot more considerate with his use. I have kind of come to accept that DH uses it but he knows now to do it privately. He used to buy magazines and, well, leave them out on the bed at the page he had been looking at hmm.

Sometimes though he just doesnt realise when it is hurtful. For example - when DS was in hospital last year for an operation and I was staying over with him (and pregnant) I came home to find he had spent his time mostly looking at porn angry.

Do you think the porn is the problem or the way he uses it - the lack of consideration?

meerkatsandkookaburras Sun 06-Sep-09 08:49:41

we only reinstalled windows a week ago so cant imagine any virus's as no other problems and pop ups etc and ive had it on all morning just to see if anything happens, and thats from 4am so surely thats a more prime pron time than 5pm?? will check for virus's later though just incase but i truely think not as have a virus checker and only just reinstalled the windows so unlikely i think but thanks will double check that

meerkatsandkookaburras Sun 06-Sep-09 08:51:17

peppapig.... im not so bothered about the porn its more the fact that im shattered with ds having his problems and he uses porn when he could help more, and especially using it when ds is around, if in fact thats the case, which i believe it is

meerkatsandkookaburras Sun 06-Sep-09 08:52:46

sorry your dp was looking at it when you were in hospital with ds and pregnant too, did he admit it? i think thats what bothers me a lot too the denial and making out like im wrong for even thinking he would do that!!

meerkatsandkookaburras Sun 06-Sep-09 08:57:01

well, dp (maybe not the d bit but we will see!!) has just got up so better log off here or it will just escalate problems!! will check for virus's later and be back on to see if anyone else has any other ideas why i could be wrong, otherwise i have to presume im right and he was on porn at 5pm with ds in room angry

laters xx

lilacclaire Sun 06-Sep-09 09:10:15

I'd be really angry that he was looking at porn when he was meant to be watching your ds.

I don't have a problem with porn at all and maybe its his way of winding down.

I would only have mentioned this incident to him tbh, mentioning all the rest when you've not been in, is a bit of an invasion of privacy. Maybe that's why he's lying about it now.

curiositykilled Sun 06-Sep-09 09:19:00

Having sex with you has nothing at all to do with his desire to watch porn.

I don't think you can possibly find your DP's porn watching hurtful 'because ds is autistic', more likely you find it hurtful because it makes you feel degraded, disrespected and rejected as a woman and a partner.

I'm not sure why women often feel like they can't express this feeling to their partner. It is a perfectly valid feeling to have.

How would he feel if you were on the computer watching porn in secret everytime you could?

He's telling you stupid lies because he feels you are treating him like a child I suspect. I think he knows you don't like him watching the porn but you have not directly told him not to or talked about how it makes you feel (enough). He is thinking "stupid woman, there's nothing wrong with me watching porn and I don't see why she should expect me not to, I'm an adult, it's my choice" and then he's telling you the stupid lies to try and avoid the argument where you ban him from watching the porn.

I think there are two main issues here:

1. You need to bite the bullet and directly tell him that you don't want him watching porn and explain why, properly. Or just let him do it when he likes if you don't mind.

2. You need to organise a regular break for you from DS and some time together with DP.

bubblagirl Sun 06-Sep-09 09:21:51

i understand why you feel the way you do having a ds with autism myself i know how tired i feel and how non existent our love life can be the issue is rather than looking at porn he should be trying to have quality time with you and not just about sex

i personally have never caught dp looking at porn to my knowledge he doesnt i prefer not knowing as it would make me doubt myself etc

sit down and chat with him porn is harmless imho but i would still feel insecure as i know how our love life is

i do try to make some special time as often as i can but is hard with a child that doesnt sleep although melatonin has given us some more time but even so im still tired we just find other ways iykwim

i think turn blind eye as long as its not in the time he could be doing something productive with your ds whilst you rest any other time its just looking and remember its not a reflection on you

bubblagirl Sun 06-Sep-09 09:23:32

if you live near me i could always watch ds whilst you have some food and special time

Neon Sun 06-Sep-09 09:45:39

Asked DP about the pop up situ (grin) and he said it wouldn't be a virus - so must have been 'left on' or something..

meerkatsandkookaburras Sun 06-Sep-09 10:13:20

well he is still in bed, i have told him plenty of times i have no objection to porn if it is when ds is in bed and im too tired etc and i dont know about it, he knows what i object to is finding he has been on it and especially when im busy with ds. To me thats like he is saying i cant give him attention every minute of the day so therefor he will watch porn, its different if its at night and all that, but during the day instead of helping me with ds is really insulting in my opinion. He knows that i have told him often enough. He knows how upset i am by the whole thing yet still lies, he makes out its my fault for believing this page appeared due to him and not by itself, yet wont listen to reason that it wouldnt just appear by itself with pop up blocker on and at 5pm!!!! Ive virus checked too now and nothign there, pop up blocker is on full and nothing happened in the last 6hrs ive been up, not one pop up etc and ive never encountered a pop up before. Its the lying that bothers mer, if he admitted it i would be a bit upset but essentially would get over it

i didnt sy i found the porn hurtful because ds is autistic "I don't think you can possibly find your DP's porn watching hurtful 'because ds is autistic'," i said i find it hurtful because thats the only reason i dont have so much time for dp and im busy with autistic ds and thats when he goes on it, thats what i find hurtful

meerkatsandkookaburras Sun 06-Sep-09 10:16:24

and just to clarify i only mentioned this incident to him last night, i know of the others but on the whole have not mentioned many of them to him due to the privacy thing, ive just said it once in a while how i feel about the porn issue. What also annoys me is that i have suggested we could watch it together if he likes... essentially to see his reaction, i guess i would but not really fussed! his reaction "i hate porn why would i watch it anyway let alone with you!"

WhereYouLeftIt Sun 06-Sep-09 12:08:34

Your computer does not have a virus or any other problem. He is lying. And that is the problem. He accesses porn and then lies about it, and that's just not healthy, especially as you seem to have tried to make it so that he would have no need to lie. His behaviour shows that he ranks accessing porn above taking part in family life (caring for your DS whilst you take much-needed rest) and that must hurt your feelings. YANBU to be upset.

bubblagirl Sun 06-Sep-09 12:19:53

big hugs to you meerkat remember my offer if you are close to us i understand completely how you feel

iamtrufflepig Sun 06-Sep-09 12:26:17

I hate to say it but my dd has had porn pop ups come up on her laptop. She is 13 and definitely doesn't access porn, she was very distressed about it and asked me to stop it happening, if she had been accessing porn then they woulnd't have bothered her.

SomeGuy Sun 06-Sep-09 12:28:40

There are some quite aggressive pop-ups that can thwart most pop-up blockers, they can use other techniques. That said a porn pop-up would normally look like a 'please come and join our porn site' ad rather than an actual bit porn, so you could probably judge from that.

It's also possible that the browser is set not to store search history at all, something which you could check by doing some searches and seeing if it is still in the same state.

If the search history has been deleted, it's 99% certain that's what he has been doing.

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