AIBU - to give some snide comments back?

[sillysalley]

Yes, I probably am BU, but Im sure (I hope) you'll agree that I do need to say something to this (not so) DF.

Basically DF has 3 DD, I have 1 DS. Everytime I see her, she ridicules my parenting. She seems to think she is an expert in parenting as she has done it 3 times and she makes me feel like the worst parent in the world.

An example

We went out for a pub meal yesterday (me, DH and DS with her, her DP, and her 3 DD) afternoon and while we were there the comments we recieved were
DS was dressed too old for his age
I shouldnt put sliced orange and tomato in the same dish and expect him to eat it
DH was being too protective when he ran to DS when her DD picked him up and dropped him (he 13mo BTW)
That I should feed him 'properly' and stop with the silly organic crisps and give him some proper crisps
Laughed at when I couldnt put the highchair up properly
Told to stop helping DS to eat, otherwise he'll never learn
Laughed at because I didnt order him a pub meal and instead fed him before hand and gave him snacks from home instead
That DS is far behind regarding his eating habits
When me and DH left, we were so upset. The thing is, apart from this, we get on really well with DF and her partner - but critically telling us how to parent is really getting to us.

This is just an example, it happens everytime we see them. Each time I make it clear that I dont like it e.g. I go quiet, and say comments like 'Well I try my best and I do what I think is best, well he isnt doing bad from my parenting is he? etc etc

Well the message just doesnt seem to be sinking in so...

AIBU to make snide comments back about her far from perfect DD's? She obviously thinks its perfectly fine to do so about DS ... maybe she'll get the message then.

[startingagain]

I would just casually say, after each comment from her.....well we all do things differently don't we!! Would be a boring world if we were all the same....and i would say that each and EVERY time lol!

[sushistar]

I wouldn't make coments about her DDs - it's not their fault their mother's rude!

When someone said something VERY critical to me a while ago, I said 'Goodness, that's so rude I don't know how to reply!' and gave them a big smile. He hasn't said anything like it since.

[CarmenSanDiego]

Making snide comments back will probably just escalate the situation and won't help if you want to stay friends with her.

It's hard to judge from your post whether she is genuinely being bitchy and unpleasant, whether she's misguidedly trying to help you or just making a joke. Is she really laughing /at/ you or just trying to make faffing with the highchair into a more lighthearted thing than either sitting in awkward silence while you wrestle with it, or offering to help and be seen as interfering?

I'm coming from the other side of it now, but I'm a bit anxious around my friends who are first-time mums because I know it's easy to come across as critical when it's really not meant and I'm genuinely trying to be supportive. And first-time mums are often very sensitive to criticism. I know a simple remark could have me in floods with my firstborn.

I don't think you /have/ made it clear you've not liked it. I think if she's really bothering you, you need to reply quite breezily. "Oh, he LOVES orangey tomatoes! They're Nigella's latest suggestion" or something.

Of course if you genuinely feel she intends to be critical, then she's probably someone you can do without. Maybe ask a mutual friend what she thinks she's trying to do?

[Corporalcornsilk]

God she sounds like a nightmare. One of my sisters was like that when I had ds1 - drove me potty.

[BitOfFun]

It's generally best to confront snideyness head-on and cut the crap. Just be blunt but smiley- "You seem to have a problem with what I'm choosing to do- why is that?"

Ball's in her court.

[sillysalley]

There's always one who has to play devils advocate

No, i can assure you that she isnt just being helpful. I have other friends with more than 1 DC and they dont behave as she does e.g. the laughing wasnt a little giggle with a 'come here let me give you a hand,' it was a big laugh out loud so everyone in the pub can see whats happening but Im not going to help you do it, Im going to sit here and watch you struggle.

[ChookKeeper]

What BOF said . I wouldn't bother with any passive agressive stuff - just grab the bull by the horns and ask her why she thinks you're such a bad parent. It'll either pull her up sharp and make her think twice next time or (and you need to be prepared for this)she'll give you a long list of reasons why she thinks you are a bad parent (i.e. different to her).

If she does do the latter then you need to consider whether you want this negative person in your life.

Good luck and just carry on doing what you know is best for your child.

[TimothyTigerTuppennyTail]

I had this from a friend once. The response I eventually used was...

"Shut up with your criticisms and let me do it my way, 'cause we're heading for a big fall out if you carry on."

It actually worked. And we're still great friends!

[CarmenSanDiego]

Alright, then she's being a mare. Ignore my fence-sitting and do what ChookKeeper etc. said

[carrie1985]

i agree with timothytigertuppennytail, blunt and to the point,why spare her feelings, she obvisouly isn't sparing yours! sometimes fluffing it isn't good enough, and if shes a good friend she'l take it on the chin.

[TrillianAstra]

You're not doing anything that would hurt your DS by the sound of it (aprt from some slightly poncey food habits that are perfectly normal for MN at least) so she should butt out. YOur DS will be fine. Her DDs are probably fine. She should learn to be less judgmental about things that do not matter.

Real crisps? FGS!

[mathanxiety]

The way you deal with it, "Well I try my best..." sounds like you fully accept everything she says, and her right to chip in with her comments, and are making excuses for yourself. You're being seriously wimpy. You need to look her straight in the eye, and so does your DH if he's ever there, and tell her to mind her own business. Don't ever respond to a bully by telling her you're 'trying' your best. Don't accept the notion that she has any right to make any comment to you at all -- so don't address what she says, just the fact that she said it. Never make excuses for yourself. When she persists, or if she takes offence at being told to MHOB you could say 'I'm sorry you feel that way.'

[mmrsceptic]

Agree with mathanxiety, and judging by your name you have issues with assertion ..

go with bitoffun or sushistar and knock it on the head

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

Don't make snide comments - tell her to back off calmly. If she doesn't get it - you will need to stop seeing her. She doesn't sound like a particularly supportive friend.

[Tee2072]

I agree with everyone who is saying just tell her. Don't be coy, do be straight forward.

'why would you say such a rude thing?'

And if she still does it?

'SHUT THE F*CK UP!'

[Firawla]

Yanbu to find that rude, you should tell her clearly as others have said. eg ask her directly what her problem is. she sounds stuck up, if he continued like that i would not hang around with her

[IWishIWasAFrog]

She sounds like a cow. You've had good advice here on how to confront her, if that's what you want to do. I would just not see her anymore. Why bother?

[junglist1]

If her DD's are less than perfect as you say she probably is doing it to make herself feel better about her own parenting. My 6 year old is NAUGHTY which is partly my fault, and when my friends boys play up I sometimes think "At least DS2 doesn't do that". Could it be a defense mechanism?

[thumbwitch]

She is beyond smug and rude.
She doesn't sound like a good friend at all.
I wouldn't sink to her level though, I would just be plain that her comments are unnecessary at best and that you plan to do exactly as you are doing, regardless of her opinion on the matter.
You are being too polite about it. Say "I find that my way works perfectly well with DS, thanks."
And as others have said, if she STILL doesn't get it then either tell her to F off, or don't bother seeing her any more. It's not worth it.

[MaggieVirgo]

I agree with Mathanxiety

cheerfully shrug and say "well I try my best.........."

with an option to say "same as you're trying your best"

[MaggieVirgo]

sorry, misunderstood. skim=reading. me.bad.

[thumbwitch]

I love sushistar's response to rudeness, btw

[franklymydear]

DS was dressed too old for his age
"and that's none of your business"

I shouldnt put sliced orange and tomato in the same dish and expect him to eat it
"why the hell not you interfering bag"

DH was being too protective when he ran to DS when her DD picked him up and dropped him (he 13mo BTW)
-well yes he probably was to be fair. If the child wasn't screaming with the pain of a broken leg or arm he was fine and would have got over it

That I should feed him 'properly' and stop with the silly organic crisps and give him some proper crisps
"my choice"

Laughed at when I couldnt put the highchair up properly
"thanks for your help you bag"

Told to stop helping DS to eat, otherwise he'll never learn

• she's probably got a point but really in a restaurant who gives a toss

Laughed at because I didnt order him a pub meal and instead fed him before hand and gave him snacks from home instead

• sounds cheap and sensible to me

That DS is far behind regarding his eating habits

• if he can't eat on his own then he may well be but that's because with subsequent children you don't have the time to feed them and they learn much quicker

When me and DH left, we were so upset. The thing is, apart from this, we get on really well with DF and her partner - but critically telling us how to parent is really getting to us.

• she doesn't know she is upsetting you you know