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AIBU?

to be furious with dh for telling me to "manage" financially when...

44 replies

cariboo · 05/09/2009 09:52

... I've spent my entire "salary" as a SAHM (don't ask me why I don't work, not now, pls - long story) on buying completely new school wardrobes for dc (girl & boy) for this school year as they have grown like weeds since last spring PLUS all new school supplies (markers, books, bookbags, compass, etc, etc) PLUS extra-curricular activities (ballet, footie) and all the kit that those need. He's just got a new job (starts mid-Sept) but tells me I should have anticipated these expenses & saved accordingly during the preceding months.

OP posts:

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BonsoirAnna · 05/09/2009 09:54

You need to do a budget on Excel or a household budgeting package to show him where it is all going and to negotiate an increase in your operating budget.

nickschick · 05/09/2009 10:01

Cariboo - Im sorry but I agree in part with your dh.

As a sahm myself I know September is coming and I know that things need buying so I make sure I have the extra money there for these things in the months ahead.

We arent wealthy but I knew ds starting at college would need extra money for student union,bus passes etc etc....so when he went for induction last week he needed over £50 that is a big amount to us and had it had to come out of 1 months pay would have made a big dint.

Im not saying I have a pot where I save 75p a week towards xxxx although i know a friend who that does work for,but I do accomodate the months ahead in the money I get.

curiositykilled · 05/09/2009 11:09

Oooh a 'salary'? Do you not have joint finances? Surely it is too difficult to work a household budget when one is a stay at home parent unless you have joint finances?! It doesn't seem a very adequate arrangement or a particularly nice one for you. I'd feel disrespected and unequal in this situation.

moondog · 05/09/2009 11:11

So he's bollocking you for spending money on things your children need?

edam · 05/09/2009 11:13

So how come he didn't anticipate these expenses? Is he not equally responsible for them, as one of the two parents in your house?

The money had to be spent, makes not a ha'porth of difference whether you spent it or he spent it.

TheCrackFox · 05/09/2009 11:20

I'd tell him to shove it up his arse. Not helpful, I know, but true.

Paolosgirl · 05/09/2009 11:30

My dh does this - it's the accountant in him - and what I have to explain to him is that it's impossible to anticipate EVERY expense. An example - a letter home from the school informing us that the ski-ing lessons are actually costing £20 more than they orginally told us, so they need the extra cash by the end of the month. OK....let me quickly print a couple of tenners

Certain things you can plan for to an extent, but I think you need to explain that you need a contingency fund built into the household fund for the unexpected.

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/09/2009 11:47

YANBU to be furious with him, but you are both being a bit unreasonable in the way you manage your joint finances. Why the separation of money, if you are a SAHM the one salary belongs to the household, not to him, doling out what he thinks you need to run the household - he is part of it FGS!

I think you need to go joint and stop regarding the income as his and he pays you a 'salary'. You're his wife, his PARTNER, not his employee paid to raise his DC. If he's going to get snotty about it, he can run the bloody household and do the grocery shopping, buy the school uniforms etc, deal with the utilities etc.

lisbey · 05/09/2009 11:57

If he really sees it that way - that you have a "salary" then of course YANBU

But (both of) you do need to budget for these things, if you know you have to pay for ballet etc at the start of term, then you need to make sure you have the money put aside. If you have agreed between you that that side of things is your responsibility and that a certain amount of the household income is allocated for such expenses then he's right that you knew they were coming and should have put money aside (assuming the budget allowed is reasonable)

If he actually thinks he's paying you a salary to run his house and raise his children, get quotes from all the professionals he'd need to replace you. I think you'd prove you need a raise

diddl · 05/09/2009 12:05

He pays you a salary?
Jeez, does hew not think you are his equal?
I´m a SAHM.
We have a joint account.
I can spend as much as I like from it on food, the children, self-as long as there´s always enough for mortgage, bills etc.
I thought this was normal!

BerylCole · 05/09/2009 12:09

I agree with diddl. Why do you have an 'allowance'? A joint account and plenty of communication between you regarding both of your spending is definitely the way to go.

cluckyagain · 05/09/2009 12:14

Ditto diddl - joint money, joint decisions although I also agree with nickschick in that it would be vastly sensible to anticipate expenses a tad more. I do and it;s the only way I can cope. xx

expatinscotland · 05/09/2009 12:19

Sorry, but I'd go out to work even if it left me no better off.

Because I can't imagine someone lording it over me in such a degrading matter or nickel and diming me like that.

Besides, none of my bosses was ever as much of an asshole as this bloke sounds.

I don't get relationships that are run like this, or spouses/partners who allow themselves to be treated in such a way.

DH was s SAHD for 4 years.

Everything I earned in work went into a joint account. He got Child Benefit. It went into a joint account.

The tax credits - joint account.

It's a partnership, not a military operation.

GeekIsGood · 05/09/2009 12:22

How soon is your next annual appraisal? Can you get a financial management course added to your training needs?

WhereYouLeftIt · 05/09/2009 12:23

diddl I thought having a joint account was me compromising - my dad used to hand his unbroken paypacket to my mum and she gave him some 'pocketmoney' for his petrol and fags (and they both referred to it as that).

Ambi · 05/09/2009 12:26

I don't understand marriages that don't have joint finances. I know my parents had separate accounts and my dad paid mum an allowance, I always found it demeaning. Our circs have changed from DH being the main earner and me not far behind to then ML, then SAHM, now I'm earning and he's redundant so had we not pooled our finances I'm sure one of us would have been bankrupt at some point.

violethill · 05/09/2009 12:46

I agree with expat.
You don't go into the details of why you're not working, but it seems your children are school age, so it would seem the best solution to be earning too.

TBH if one parent is home full time, I think it's reasonable to plan ahead and budget, and not suddenly go on a splurge. You've got enough to time to take that responsibility on. Two complete sets of uniform and equipment all in one go is unecessary. If they're growing that quickly, buy second hand.

Bellsa · 05/09/2009 12:50

YABU. I assume that you discussed being a SAHM and the system you were going to use. It's not unreasonable for your husband to expect you to anticipate these needs and to budget for them.

TheDMshouldbeRivened · 05/09/2009 13:15

surely his money is the family money. Let him pay for the uniforms!
My husband works. He earns for us not for himself.

diddl · 05/09/2009 14:17

LOL @ WhereYouLeftIt
My Dad used to do the same!
When hubby & I got married, my name was added to his account, & my account became the savings account.

FabBakerGirlIsBack · 05/09/2009 14:23

My DH gives me an allowance each month for food, fuel and anything else the kids or I need.

When we both used the join account I lost track of how much I had spent and he had no idea either so having the money put into a separate account for me works for us very well.

claw3 · 05/09/2009 14:24

If him giving you a 'salary' is the arrangement you have. Perhaps he should give you a bit extra in September as this is obviously school uniform etc time.

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cariboo · 05/09/2009 15:40

PSML! I love it!! Thanks, all. Shall show him thread...

OP posts:

edam · 05/09/2009 15:49

Cariboo, how about negotiating your annual pay rise at the same time? And don't forget pension contributions, private health insurance, gym membership and other employee benefits...

FWIW a lot of trouble will be solved if people would just go back to the old working class rule of husband handing over his pay packet as soon as he gets it and wife giving him back a few quid of beer money once she's got enough for food/bills/other household expenses.

kathyis6incheshigh · 05/09/2009 15:50

What does he spend the rest of the money on?

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