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To expect my dead twins funeral wishes to have been respected

(6 Posts)
oneofapair Fri 04-Sep-09 19:04:35

In the last few days of her life my darling twin sister Caroline (32) made it quite clear what she wanted to happen at her funeral. Her wishes were totally ignored by my parents without explanation, negotiation or advance warning.

scottishmummy Fri 04-Sep-09 19:20:47

so very sad you lost a loved sister and so young too. funerals do odd things to emotions and logic and i can only imagine your parents thought they were doing a traditional funeral,and perhaps wanted to adhere to those norms and events. maybe cut them some slack they buried their daughter too. you are all suffering

i also had the unfortunate experience of a good friend dying at 33 of non Hodgkin's lymphoma. parental wishes were for a traditional funeral too (not friend's wishes). they didn't observe friends requests

afterwards we all had a meal at the flat to celebrate friends life
>all brought pictures,music and mementoes
>all got drunk swapping stories and tales
>we all laughed and cried a lot

do keep that aspect of Caroline alive,the vitality,the humour

and again easy does it

CloudDragon Fri 04-Sep-09 19:23:10

oneofapair I am so sorry for you loss, you must be devastated.

I lost a very close childhood friend last year and can in some way understand the anger and sadness you are feeling.

Our friends had a very long debate following the funeral as a number of us felt that her wishes were not carried out (she was terminal ill for a while and had expressed her wishes clearly)

we concluded that the funeral was more for the living than the dead and each of those individuals at the funeral needed to deal with it in a different way.

colour was an issue with her too and not everyone felt able to wear colour especially those of an elder generation as it is viewed as disrespectful.

io know it is hard but try and understand that those people were all struggle to come to terms with the loss of your sister, they may have been nervous to make a mistake by wearing something inappropriate or may not have been aware of her wishes.

At the end of the day you must focus on the things that were done well, the fact all of those people cared about your sister that they came to say their good byes, the kind words said to you (though people rarely know what to say)

what matters is not the funeral but that people had time to say goodbye to your sister in the way they could best manage.

thinking of you at this difficult time.

AllotmentMum Fri 04-Sep-09 19:28:50

I am a twin, and I am crying for you now. Terrible, terrible, terrible - no advice but big loving stranger's hug. I am sure your twin will still be out there for you and not wanting you to hurt anymore than you do already. Hope you come through it in the end.

girlafraid Fri 04-Sep-09 19:33:58

oneofapair, i have read your other thread and couldn't read without posting

I am thinking of you and praying for you in your grief, please find a friend in RL to spend some time with you this evening and just hold your hand

oxocube Fri 04-Sep-09 19:34:31

I am so sorry

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