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To want to separate and live in an unstable country

(13 Posts)
vintagequeen Thu 03-Sep-09 16:07:06

My husband was having an affair with his trainee for about a year and i found texts and confronted him, he would not finish off with her, he said he had to do it gently. I feel utterly betrayed and was reduced to speaking to her. I am very angry with him .
i have asked for a divorce which he has refused now i feel the only way i can get away from him is to separate.
He has refused to leave the family home and now i would like to move to my home country with our daughter BUT the country is in chaos.
I do not have any support systemn here but would have one there. Or i am being selfish or how do i get him to move out i wan't us to sell the family home and he says it will be financial suicide.
He has caused me immense pain.

meemarsgotabrandnewbump Thu 03-Sep-09 16:09:52

If he had an affair you can divorce him. You don't need his permission.

vintagequeen Thu 03-Sep-09 16:12:24

meer i can only see a divorce lawyer when i have money in a couple of months time as for going away my family said they would contribute to a travel ticket.

iheartdusty Thu 03-Sep-09 16:27:54

if you have no money, could you be entitled to 'legal help' (what used to be called 'legal aid' ie free representation and advice)? it may be affected by your immigration status.

how old is your daughter? What kind of chaos are we talking about? Would you be exposing your daughter to danger?

AMumInScotland Thu 03-Sep-09 16:28:34

Separating is entirely your choice, but I don't think you can take the children to live in another country, any more than a man would be able to take their children away from their mother and country of birth, without his permission or some legal permission.

I think you really need to see a family law specialist, or the CAB, for advice.

diddl Thu 03-Sep-09 16:32:11

If the country you want to go to is in "chaos", I think your husband could stop you taking your child.

vintagequeen Thu 03-Sep-09 16:38:01

My house hold income might not allow me to access legal aid, he has specifically said he will not alow me to take my daugher to the said country. my dd is 2. my only other option is to settle across the border of that country. i am in so much despair i really need my families support.
thank you

Morloth Thu 03-Sep-09 17:14:52

You need a lawyer and you most definitely can't take your daughter out of the country without your husband's permission.

Don't do it. If the country does have arrangements with the UK you could be in a for a world of hurt.

Tryharder Thu 03-Sep-09 17:21:27

I don't think the OP could be blamed for wanting to take her daughter and move back to her family. Her husband is a twat and has behaved despicably - why should she respect his feelings when he clearly has none for her.

So, YANBU for wanting to move.

But, I would suggest staying here for the time being. If you move away, your husband would be able to divorce you for desertion and paint you in the wrong plus you'd probably lose your entitlement to maintenance, the family home etc....

dilemma456 Thu 03-Sep-09 17:26:42

Message withdrawn

ZZZenAgain Thu 03-Sep-09 18:13:50

ask your dp to get advice in your home country perhaps. What would happen if you were there with dd and he were to try to get her returned to the UK etc. You need to know all the sides to it really. If he is going to formally object to you moving there as he has said, I assume that is what he will do with the result that you will not be legally able to do so (without risking a charge of abduction and your dd being taken away from you and returned to him).

I saw quite a heart breaking documentary on this a while ago with a black American lady who took her dd back to America, she had a nice home, worked as a lawyer and sent her dd to a private school - no sign of danger or chaos but the German father got detectives to track her down and the dd was taken into custody by American agents and returned to the father in Germany. The mother had no personal contact at all after that. It was quite heartbreaking so be careful what you do.

Is your home country chaotic in terms of poor and disorganised or in terms of being in a state of war?

You definitely do not need to stay wtih him though, you can get a divorce and it is not all up to him. He is treating you very poorly. I'm sorry for you, sounds horrible.

hatwoman Thu 03-Sep-09 18:27:28

VQ - huge sympathies. I agree that you need to start by seeking legal advice. If you have no money to pay for any then try the community number on this thread and/or CAB. You're not being at all unreasonable in your thoughts but don't do anything without legal advice. get yourself to cab and/or on the phone tomorrow. good luck.

groundhogs Thu 03-Sep-09 18:37:54

how recent is all this? Understandably, you sound very raw, and my heart goes out to you.

If, for example, he were to end it with this woman tomorrow, would you think you'd be able to put it all behind you and move past it? If so, then i urge you not to panic.

Not only will you lose out, it'll affect you, and yr dd badly.

Our priority here is you two.

What, out of interest, did you end up saying to this woman? Do you feel she is 'playing for keeps'?

Perhaps if dh has said he will end it, but gently, then a time scale needs to be set.

Have you asked him if he wants to leave? Doesn't sound like it, if he won't consider divorce..

If he's not planning to leave you, and there's a chance you can all get past this, it's well worth you 'playing the long game' and gently assist him meet the goals of him ending it gently. It'll not be easy on you, it'll be excrutiating, but if it's what you want, to fight for yr man, then you have to dig in, and dig deep.

If you agree a timeframe, and he doesn't stick to it, just getting my claws out and thinking, as she's 'only' a trainee, what her employer would think of her behaviour? I rather think it may call into question her professional conduct? She has to have conducted this affair with yr dh, within the jobs framework??

What would his family think of all this? If you need some space to think, and some help, could they be called upon?

While you are in that house, even if you do go and spend some time with his parents, you kind of do still have the upper hand.

If you toss him out, you know full well into whose arms you will drive him. Getting him back could be really difficult then.

Main thing sweety? Don't panic. Take a breath and ask what he's going to do now to put this mess he's made right.

Good luck hon, thinking of you!

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