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A new baby issue - I may well be BU!

(54 Posts)
changeychangey Thu 03-Sep-09 09:34:01

I've changed my name!! But am a very longstanding mumsnet user!!

My sister is in labour at the moment. I'm very excited at the prospect of a new niece or nephew - kind of hoping for a niece as I have 5 nephews already!! Its taking a while, but its her first, so understandable - my first labour was 2 days.

She has conceived through IVF on her second attempt, and I am delighted for her and her partner. Its not an issue I ever had as I managed to get all mine through natural conception - I suspect as I was a lot younger then her when it happened.

I'm getting seriously cross with the rest of my family though. Sister (not the pg one), brother and parents going on and on about how this baby is so special and how important it is that she has a good birth and how tragic it will be if anything goes wrong.

I can see how it means a lot - this is likely the only child she will have, and I am delighted for her. BUT - are my children not special? Would it not have been tragic if something had happened to them? Parents saying "I hope she doesn't lose the baby in labour (a cousin had a stillbirth 2 years ago) - that would be so tragic given what they went through to get pregnant. Yes, it would. But wouldn't it have been equally tragic for me, or for my other brother's wife, who is due in 6 weeks and is also hacked off with the attention sis is getting.

I am probably BU, looking for attention when my sister deserves it. I just don't think my kids are any less "special" because dh and I conceived them naturally rather than via IVF.

Bathsheba Thu 03-Sep-09 09:41:05

It is unfair....but I don;t think they are conciously doing it maliciously...there isn;t the automatic inferral that "its okay for some babies and mummies to suffer but not others"

Mind you, its pressure like that which means that the incidence of pnd in mothers who have had fertility problems is higher - the whole "you have waited so long for this and wanted this so much, how can you be having problems/wanting a break/crying about it now"..

So, please be the eyes and ears for your sister to ensure this type of pressure doesn;t cause her to have problems later on...

thesecondcoming Thu 03-Sep-09 09:42:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Firawla Thu 03-Sep-09 09:42:55

of course yours or any others are not less special but it doesn't sound like they are really saying it intending a comparison, but more like they are just very worried for your sister and anxious about something going wrong. i would try not to take it the wrong way, it really doesn't seem that they mean it as an insult to you, sil or anyone else

juuule Thu 03-Sep-09 09:44:11

YABU (which you know really).

This is your sister's 'moment'.

Your post reminds me of my younger children. If I say to one 'Oh you are good' another of them chirps up with 'What? So I'm not?' and gets upset. Then I have to explain that telling one they have done something well doesn't mean that I'm implying the other hasn't done well. See what I mean?

Let your sister have this moment.
But I would get upset if it carried through to favouritism overall forever for her child. Once born and okay then it's a level playing field againwink

diddl Thu 03-Sep-09 09:45:07

YANBU, IMO to feel that this baby should be thought of as more special than any of yours.

But YABU if you are looking for attention-let your laboouring sister have it all!

Perhaps you also feel that your children might be sidelined for a while when the new baby arrives?
I think that this can happen, IVF or not.

Well, all the best to her & I hope all goes well for ecveryone.

roulade Thu 03-Sep-09 09:47:09

YANBU to feel hurt at their comments, they are just not thinking about what it sounds like to you and your SIL.
BTW it won't necessarily be your DSIS only child as my DSIS had IVF for her first DD after 10 years of trying then she fell pregnant naturally about 8 months later!!!

diddl Thu 03-Sep-09 09:47:13

That´s "everyone" of course!
Also, is there any more "danger" of something going wrong with this birth than any other?

changeychangey Thu 03-Sep-09 09:47:34

I know I am a little U.

My sister has always been a bit of a drama queen and her pregnancy has been very "dramatic" - Oh no! Morning Sickness! etc

I think some of my issues come from the fact that MIL totally priotitises dh's sisters kids over mine. My parents have no history of doing this so will probably be fine once babe is born.

I feel crap about myself for feeling this way - like a lioness, protecting my young! Stupid, stupid!

changeychangey Thu 03-Sep-09 09:49:59

Its not the "in labour" attention I'm bothered about - yes, she is in the spotlight!! Hooray! I'm so glad it is happening for her!!

It's the "this baby is so special" stuff that is getitng to me, unreasonably!

ZippysMum Thu 03-Sep-09 09:50:41

YABVU.

IVF and the years of TTC that precede it are very difficult emotionally and physically.

Sounds as though you haven't been much of a support to your sister through all that if you can't see how miraculous and wonderful a successful pregnancy is to her. Your OP makes you sound very jealous.

No, it wouldn't be more tragic if she lost a baby than if you lost one of yours, but if that happened then I don't doubt that your family would rally round and be as supportive of you as they are being of your sister.

I find it a bit sad that you can't be happy and supportive of your sister.The baby is very special. Yours are special too. There's enough love to go around all the children in your family. Maybe you need to try to cultivate a bit more love of your own.

diddl Thu 03-Sep-09 09:51:34

Don´t a lot of mothers prioritise their daughter´s children over their daughter in laws.
I don´t think it´s always malicious, but I guess it stems from the difference between a daughter and a dil.
Also, most women turn to their own mothers rather than their husbands mothers for a chat/visit/babysitting.

hannahsaunt Thu 03-Sep-09 09:52:41

It's ok. It is a wonderful, precious, special baby - but not any more than yours or your nieces and nephews - the means of conception should be by the by (but I do know what you mean...).

ZippysMum Thu 03-Sep-09 09:52:55

Sorry, that was a bit harsh blush and X-posted with you.

All babies are special. Hope your Dc's enjoy their new cousin!

thesecondcoming Thu 03-Sep-09 09:53:21

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl Thu 03-Sep-09 09:55:32

Bathsheba, you raise a very good point.
Just because this baby is IVF doesn´t mean that it is any more wanted, or that the new mother will magically cope any better than any other new mum.
So please, OP, put your feelings aside & make sure you are there for your sister if she does get overwhelmed (or even if she doesn´t!)

MrsBarbaraKingstanding Thu 03-Sep-09 09:56:22

Sounds to me like you are very excited and supportive and joyful for your sister, so not really so terribly unreasonable to have those 'but my children are just as special thoughts' so don't give yourself a hard time.

You'd be v unreasonabe if you had a strop at the hospital 'cos no one made such a fuss of me' and spoiled your sisters wonderful moment. But it sounds like you have no intention or inclination to act out these feelings, or even verbalise them inappropriately, as a child would do.

My neices and nephews are also IVF, and actually at their births I did not feel like you because I was just so caught up in the joy of their arrival after the years of heartache. But i have felt like you in the years that have followed since as my SIL is a bit of a nutcase (imo) over them with rules and expectations that we all have to adhere to and is very self abosrbed (imo), but everyone says, 'oh well they did struggle to have them you can understand it' and I think 'they're blinking kids like everyone else kids, I have kids too look! and I'm not making irrational demenads.'

Hopefully your scenario will be easier though.smile

So no YANBU to think it, but would be vvunr to spoil this wonderful time, but I get the distinct impression you would not do that.

changeychangey Thu 03-Sep-09 09:56:59

Zippysmum - you have no idea of the support I have been to my sister.

I am not moaning about her. I am just a little tiny bit put out by the overwhelming "specialness" that is being put on this baby by my family, not by her.

SIL is also not a normal moaner but her comment to me at the weekend was "people would be more interested in my pregnancy if I had had IVF". Its her first too.

I have been there for my sis through every symptom, every twinge, I am ready to go (as asked) to help for a few days next week - dh has taken time off to look after our dcs while I do that.

I am totally supportive.

I just want my children to be important too - and my parents were not like this about other children born in the family - they are making it an issue due to the IVF.

EyeballsintheSky Thu 03-Sep-09 09:57:00

YABU but it's totally understandable. SIL announced she was pg with dc3 when dd (my only so far) was 11 weeks old. I was livid; knew it was absurd to feel like that but I still did. I wanted dd to have everyone's attention.

I agree, if it carries on after the novelty has worn off then you're justified in being hacked off. Otherwise just bite your tongue next time they say it.

Hope it goes well for her. Glad I'm not in labour now, eek!

changeychangey Thu 03-Sep-09 09:58:55

OK zippy - sorry my response was a bit harsh too - I x-posted

Blooming popular mn!!

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Thu 03-Sep-09 10:03:03

Most women feel closer bonds to their daughters' children than DILs'. I know what you mean though, I felt a bit weird when my nephew was born, SIL v young, single parent living at home, baby of family, and the attention given to him did sideline my DS for a bit (we were staying with them at the time). It was perfectly natural, he was a newborn FGS! But it made me feel a bit funny towards him for a few days, and a bit funny about my DS, like I was seeing he wasn't perfect for the first time. Those feelings went and now I think they are both perfect but YANBU for feeling a bit weird, as long as you acknowledge it and don't let it affect anything.

changeychangey Thu 03-Sep-09 10:05:17

Have just been on phone to my sister's partner!!!

I have a lovely niece (at last) born about half an hour ago!!

Hoooooray!!

diddl Thu 03-Sep-09 10:07:34

Congrats to all.
Now, don´t go treating her as special because she is your only niece!! wink

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Thu 03-Sep-09 10:08:36

changeychangey Thu 03-Sep-09 10:09:24

grin

Not at all.....

But at last someone to hand my 2 dds used clothes on to (if my parents can stand it grin)

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