to not want to move in a recession?

[MakkaMoo]

Bit long, apologies in advance. Its also a bit of a WWYD.

DH is Canadian, and we have been resident in the UK for over 10 years now. All throughout DH has been desperate to move back to Canada to be close to his family. I don't have any family here either (I am Indian). While I have been thinking that it may not be such a bad idea to move back to Canada, it was always something that we would do in the future, not right now (IYSWIM). Both of us have had trouble making friends and settling here, but after having had DD I have settled down, and made a few very good friends.

Anyway, crux of the matter, I found out today that DH has applied for and got redundancy from his permanent position. The severance package is very generous, a year's salary, but I am really mad at him because,

a. Its a recession, and I really don't think you should be messing about with a well paying permanent job.
b. I am finally settled down in our village, and happy where I am, including with my job.
c. I don't want to start all over again in a new country.
d. I am scared to death of making a huge life change like this one.
e. DH could have at least listened to my concerns before applying for the redundancy.
f. I enjoyed being able to go back to India for holidays, but now its going to be a huge expense.

I want DH to reconsider his decision. AIBU? Please tell me if I am!!

[OldLadyKnowsNothing]

It doesn't sound as if he can reconsider his decision to accept redundancy. Does he want to move to Canada right away? Did you know he was thinking about redundancy?

[bigchris]

I think that is really crap of him to make such a huge decision without talking to you first

[MakkaMoo]

No I didn't know he was thinking of redundancy, just found out he'd applied last week, and that he got it today. It feels more real, becuase he's got it today.

And he wants to move to Canada for Christmas. Which is upsetting for me, as we had planned for Christmas with my family this year (at DH's family last year), and now we probably won't have the money to visit for a long time, what with moving costs etc.

He's got to take up the offer by next week, so maybe he can reconsider, I don't know. I asked, but he was quite vague.

[MakkaMoo]

Oh, and I am even more annoyed because he wants to move to a town in Canada that I have categorically told him I don't want to move to. He's told I am being unreasonable, as we should move wherever he gets a job... and if it means to that town, so be it, and to stop making a fuss!

[JackBauer]

TBH I would be beyond furious if DH was even considering redundancy etc without discussing it with me.
Sounds to me like he didn't want to give you a choice in the matter and I think you need to explain to him that you have as much right in teh decision as him.

[MakkaMoo]

I am trying to... he's just saying I should be grateful he's negotiated such a good deal, and that I am being stupid to not want to take it. And, I am being very unreasonable about this, seeing as I don't earn that much anyways (I contribute roughly a third of of our household income!!)

I feel like I am being treated like a ten year old!

[dinkystinky]

What's done is done - he's applied for the redundancy package and been granted it. So while you are totally within your rights to be pissed off at that, and the fact he didnt even talk to you about it first, you cant change it. What happens next should be a joint decision - I dont see why there is such a mad panic rush to move to Canada by Christmas, particularly as you had plans to spend it with your family - can your DH explain why the urgency? If I were you I would insist on christmas with your family - particularly as moving to Canada will be such a life changing situation and will mean that you cant visit them as much - and that you get an equal say in where you move to. He has to explain to you why this town is so ideal - you both need to explore the options and to ensure that you will both be happy in your new home. Kids are great icebreakers so am sure you will make a lot of new friends if and when you do move.

[MakkaMoo]

Dinky, he wants to move because he doesn't want to keep paying the rent and childcare here (its not very much, the rent, not the childcare, tbh!!) He has to leave his employment by the end of this month.

Its also pissing me off that he doesn't want to go to my place, because it will eat into our savings and according to him we should be saving money now... I've pointed out to him that it'll cost us a hell of a lot less to travel multi-stop via India, if we have to, than travelling all the way to Canada for Christmas! Not including moving costs!

He wants to move to this town because he has very good friends there. I cannot stand it because its such a commuter town, you need a car to get everywhere, no proper public transport and I can't drive. Plus I don't get along all that well with his friend's wife either!!

He's sulking at the moment...!!

[dinkystinky]

Hmm, I suggest you suggest that you and your DC go to India until after christmas to stay with your parents - that way you can save on rent and childcare and he can sort out the move to Canada seeing as he's made his mind right up about it - including co-ordinating all the moving, finding a place for you to live and driving lessons for you and in the meantime getting you a car plus chauffeur to drive you wherever you need to go. See how he likes that!

He sounds like he is being an absolute child about all this to be honest - you are supposed to be a partnership and to go through life together making decisions as a family.

It sounds like he's expecting you to make all the compromises - he needs to meet you half way somehow.

[expatinscotland]

YANBU.

Sorry, but someone forcing me to move to another country where I didn't want to go by doing such a huge thing as taking redundancy without even talking to me about it I'd consider in the realms of possible dealbreaker, tbh.

It's not 'what's done is done'.

Immigrating to a new country is a HUGE decision. I'm an immigrant to the UK myself.

It's hard as all hell and you have to 100% want to do it or it is miserable as fuck and usually results in complete failure of the relationship.

I've seen it happen over and over again.

My husband is Scottish and I am American although now a naturalised Brit and I stayed in Scotland because I 100% loved it and wanted to be here.

I have seen countless couples where one person wanted to stay and the other didn't and it usually doesn't end well, tbh.

[expatinscotland]

Oh, and btw, if you have ILR and your child was born here then that means she is British by right of birth.

He can't take her anywhere without your permission.

What an ass!

I'd be utterly incandescent if someone made such a huge, life-changing decision without even having the decency to consult me about it.

[MakkaMoo]

expatinscotland, you've put into words what I am feeling right now. Its just that every time I try to voice an objection we get back to 'don't be unreasonable, Canada is a much better place to bring up kids, plus we are close to family, yada yada'... yes, I can see the advantages, but doesn't stop me from feeling shite about having to leave my carefully built existence here.

I have been making all the compromises so far, and this is taking it too far! Unfortuntaely DD has British and Canadian citizenship. I only have Indian at the moment, but will get a British passport in the next few months. So all this is a huge issue... and right now neither of us are feeling reasonable enough to discuss this logically!!

[expatinscotland]

Doesn't matter, he can't take them without your permission, and if you're this close to citizenship do not leave until you have naturalised because the government is planning to make it much harder to do so.

It is completely unreasonable to try to force someone to immigrate to another country in the manner like this.

[JeMeSouviens]

What is the work situation like in the UK for your DH, whatever it is he does?

Could he be persuaded to look for another job in the UK for 12months, while you sort out getting your British passport, and all the things you'll need to organise for Canada. I'm assuming you will need some sort of paperwork doing for emigrating there (although your DH and DD won't), and that could take time.

I can see why he took the redundancy, he's probably thought, great there is our moving and setting up in Canada money. But he could stash this in a savings account until you do make the move.

FWIW we're in Canada now and are about to move to a very small, very isolated town with our work. While initially we thought no way we're not going there, we've come around to the idea and are looking at it as an adventure (for us it's the only way to cope with the move)

But if I was dead set against it, DH would have had no option but to say NO to our employer.

It's not a decision your DH can make unilaterally, he needs the whole family on board or it will never work.

[expatinscotland]

Oh, yeah, you can't just go. You'll need to get a visa to go and apparently Canada is way slow with regards to getting it processed.

[MakkaMoo]

The work situation for DH here is definitely not ideal, as its a very specialised area. One of the reasons I am so bloody mad at him for jacking in a great position... and he won't hear of moving anywhere else in the UK either.

I am a bit stuck with the naturalisation, as I am desperate for British passport, as it means a whole lot of travel freedom (no visas, for ex) but it will take 6 months, and if DH has his way we don't have 6 months left. I earn enough to look after us for a few months without any money from DH, but this is dependent on taking DD out of nursery, as that's our biggest expense at the moment.

I feel a bit pushed into a corner, iyswim... I am so tempted to tell him to shove off and go by himself, but I don't want to give up on our marriage and I won't be able to afford to stay here with DD by myself anyways.

[MakkaMoo]

Oh, and expatinscotland, as far as the Canadian situation is concerned, I may be able to go on a tourist visa and apply for permanent residency if I have to. But this will take forever, and I won't be able to work, so huuuugge implications for our family expenditure. This is providing DH gets a job there in the first place!

Its doing my head in!

[Callisto]

I think that if your DH is Canadian, you will have no probs moving to Canada with him. I would insist that you get your UK passport first though, and if your DH has a years redundancy, there is nothing to stop you putting it all in a high interest savings account and your DH getting another job to tide you over. Canada is a fantastic country - I would move there tomorrow - but you have to at least want to give it a try for a couple of years or it will end badly i think.

[expatinscotland]

When are you eligible to appy for naturalisation?

It doesn't take 6 months if you use the checking service for an extra 40 quid.

There is NO way I would leave without it and give up your ILR because it will expire in 2 years and in 2011 it's going to be very hard to get into the UK again to work.

I would put my foot down about this, tbh. I really and truly would.

And basically he's commanding you to be trapped at home (since you can't work) in a foreign country where you don't want to be even more miles away from your family.

Sorry, but fuck that.

[Callisto]

Oh, and if you need info about visas etc, do check out British Expats: britishexpats.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=56

[MakkaMoo]

Callisto, you are right. I think I will insist on waiting till I get my British passport before we move... and live here for as long as that takes.

Yeah, I know Canada is lovely, but I can't stand extreme cold, and he wants to move to a place where temperatures routinely hit -35 in the winter. Its giving me the shivers already!!!

[MakkaMoo]

Expatinscotland, we have both been eligible since this April, but haven't applied so far, as he was mucking about wanting to travel during the summer and all that, and wanted his passport etc... I should have just applied without him, but he was then whining about how much it would cost to apply just for me!!

Thanks for the heads up on the checking service, didn't realise I could do that. I have just had a look, and will book an appointment with them asap.

[MakkaMoo]

Callisto, thanks for the link!

[expatinscotland]

Sorry, but he'd be going on his own unless he did some serious sucking up.

And there's ZERO way I'd go if I couldn't work straightaway.

Have you even lived in a place where you didn't want to be and didn't have the ability to work?

It's a hard challenge mentally and I consider myself made of pretty hard stuff, but you know that rat in a cage feeling? Times it by like 1000.

Not to mention not being able to drive rightaway.