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AIBU to not want sex every single night now I'm nearly 40?

(135 Posts)
fedupness Wed 02-Sep-09 11:54:07

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Geocentric Wed 02-Sep-09 11:57:33

Hehehe, 2-3 times a week is a good week in our house. DH would like sex more often, but he understands and (mostly) respects that my sex drive is different from his.

Stick to your guns, he has to learn that you have a say in the matter, too!

Stigaloid Wed 02-Sep-09 11:58:13

YANBU but i am jealous.

GooseyLoosey Wed 02-Sep-09 11:58:56

My dh is like this and I too am nearly 40. I don't think 5 minutes can go by without him mentioning sex or the possibility of sex or attempting some form of groping.

I hate it! We have sex 2 or 3 times a week so not as much as you, but the constant references to it are putting me off entirely. I would be fairly pleased if I thought dh could manage the level of maturity of a 19 year old. I think he acts more like a 16 year old.

No solutions to offer you, but wanted to let you know you are not alone.

storymama Wed 02-Sep-09 12:01:45

i think it's important to say no to sex every time you don't want it and to listen to his feelings after you've said it. After the no is a good time to connect without sex to notice how you're feeling and how he's feeling, hopefully he is able to respect your boundaries and sit with himself and his feelings and needs.

Moving away from old patterns, being in the present knowing and repecting your own needs is hard to do but well worth it. In my relationship my husband is the no sayer usually and i get to notice what i'm feeling, why i wanted sex and what my attention is like after our communication. the love is still there.

good luck and stay true

AnyFucker Wed 02-Sep-09 14:27:18

eww, he sounds like a bully actually who uses sulking to get what he wants

how terrible unattractive, I am surprised you still fancy him at all

your age/attractiveness has nothing to do with it

tell him to keep his fucking hands to himself, he is effectively assaulting you if you have made it clear his groping is not welcome

the occasional grope is lovely, nice to know you are still desirable but he sounds like an insecure twat, tbh

pjmama Wed 02-Sep-09 14:32:27

You can swap for my DH if you like? He'll sleep the arse off you every night of the week and twice at weekends wink

dottyaboutstripes Wed 02-Sep-09 14:42:48

Oh god, my DH is the same. It's just really too much and is driving me insane. He thinks I should feel flattered but I just feel the same way as you (apart from the giving in and letting him do it - I am now saying no more than I say yes)

Alibabaandthe40nappies Wed 02-Sep-09 14:46:54

That sounds horrible, he should be respectful of your wishes! Does he bully you in other areas of your relationship as well?

Oblomov Wed 02-Sep-09 14:55:07

You really have sex 5 times a week. Gosh ! that does sound alot. My friend said she had to do it with her dh every second day, becasue if she made him wait for 3 days, he was just unbearable.
Now I thought that was sad.
Mind you, don't mind me - we don't have sex regularly. We can go for weeks. Even have gone for a couple of months. And then we do it loads. Really wierd.
I wonder whether 5 time s a week is the high level , across the ..... nation as it were.
Actually that doesn't matter. The prob is, that it is toomuch for YOU. and it doesn't matter how you look at it, IT IS a problem.
I think you really need to sit down and talk to your dh about this.

generalunrest Wed 02-Sep-09 15:29:31

I agree with AnyFucker and Alibabaandthe40nappies, he sounds like a bully who's using emotional blackmail to have sex with you. If you say no he gives you such shit that you're unlikely to want to say no again, I would find that a huge turn off, and very controlling.

It's all very well the other posters saying they're jealous, but this is causing you a problem. So they're jealous because you have a man who makes you feel that it's better to have sex with him, even when you don't want to, than to say no?? That's so horrible.

You might love other parts of the relationship you have with your OH, but for him to use pressure in this way to get his own way is very selfish.

thesecondcoming Wed 02-Sep-09 15:37:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pikelit Wed 02-Sep-09 15:38:49

YANBU.

It'd be the constant groping that would drive me demented. Non-sexual affection is lovely but I wonder why some chaps find the very idea of it so difficult to grasp. I also wonder whether so very many blokes conform to the old "If you don't fancy a shag, excuse me while I have one" cliche. Because when you say yes, merely to make them stop sodding well going on about it, that's what's happening. Shouldn't it be quality, not quantity that's the important thing?

Pielight Wed 02-Sep-09 15:44:10

I don't think he sounds like a bully at all, he just sounds like a guy who likes having sex v. much indeed.

However YANBU. I'm not sure that talking about it will help either <unfashionable emoticon>

I think the best thing is to level the playing field by getting in there first. You do some groping, you initiate sex for a while. Then he'll probably back off. If he's also approaching 40 then he may well be falling into a habit of how to have sex - ie pursuing you seemingly only thinking of himself and not you - because he may worry that his powers are dwindling. Men are weird like this.

So you take some control back - which will make you feel less 'under attack' - and will probably make him back off a little. Maybe. If that doesn't work, then you'll have to try a chat. But if the chat comes after the taking control, it'll be easier for him to see that it isn't that you don't desire him, it's that you don't want sex 5 nights a week.

diddl Wed 02-Sep-09 15:45:30

YANBU,and there shouldn´t be times when you don´t enjoy sex!
But groping and sulking is just childish, IMO,and a turnoff.
It´s as if he´s constantly reminding you that you "belong" to him!

Oblomov Wed 02-Sep-09 15:48:45

Has it always been like this ?
I mean alot of groping. Alot of sulking ?
Have you always had sex 5 times a week, and now you want less , or is it that he wants more now ?

deaddei Wed 02-Sep-09 15:49:57

5 times a week?
My god, he's a sex fiend!
My dh is lucky if it's twice a month.

Pielight Wed 02-Sep-09 15:52:22

It is v. wearing if you become the one who is always on the back foot though, having to respond. It's like they fill up all that space. I think you need to walk into that space. I reckon that might balance things out a bit more.

AnyFucker Wed 02-Sep-09 16:09:39

pielight, errm, excuuuuse me ?

your solution to him pestering for sex and sulking like a toddler when he doesn't get it is to offer him more ??

would that be your solution to a 3 yo who mithered for sweeties ??

because we have the same mindset here

he wants his own way, throws a strop when doesn't get it to the point where lady gives in for a quiet life

not the way I would solve this hmm

Pielight Wed 02-Sep-09 16:20:07

Well, yes, I think so. Part of the reason she feels so under attack is because he's doing all the mithering. So if she steps in five minutes before, he'll back off a bit. I betcha.

If you stepped in before your toddler started nagging for sweets, and said 'right, we're having chocolate buttons after lunch every day this week' - he'll stop nagging too.

I don't think it's a long-term solution. But I do think it'll stop him going on and on and on at her. It's a habit for him, he's always in pursuit. If she takes some incentive, then it'll be easier for both of them on the two nights she doesn't want it to say 'No'.

AnyFucker Wed 02-Sep-09 16:23:20

interesting perspective, each to their own smile

Hassled Wed 02-Sep-09 16:23:34

I don't think the fact you're nearly 40 is relevant at all. What's relevant is that he's pressuring you to do something you just don't want to do, and you're effectively letting him win. You need a long hard talk, not in the evening when he's in full pestering mode, but during the day when the kids aren't around. He's not being fair.

Pikelit Wed 02-Sep-09 16:25:28

"If you stepped in before your toddler started nagging for sweets, and said 'right, we're having chocolate buttons after lunch every day this week' - he'll stop nagging too."

I admire that hypothetical toddler's restraint. Had I tried this trick on dc I'd have been serving chocolate buttons for pudding and then fending off mithering for more sweets all sodding afternoon!

I cannot help but think that an unexpected groping would lead to similar mithering. Although perhaps you could fend dh off with chocolate buttons?

Pielight Wed 02-Sep-09 16:25:43

lol AF. I'm right though wink

Pielight Wed 02-Sep-09 16:26:45

Nope. If you get on the front foot and say 'right it's sweets after lunch and that's it' - they get that. It's the uncertainty that makes them nag, and the idea that you aren't going to give up willingly so it falls to them to nag you. Promise.

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