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to not be interested in this man?

(34 Posts)
hatesponge Tue 01-Sep-09 23:19:02

Friends are trying, in the nicest way, to get me together with someone.

On paper we have a lot in common, similar age, jobs, both single parents with shared custody of DC around same ages.

He is financially solvent (well off in fact) own house and car, etc.

He's a really nice bloke, I know he thinks I'm very pretty and charming blush - he has told other people this.

BUT - theres alway a but, isn't there - I don't fancy him at all. Physical attraction is really important to me, and there isn't any.

Also I think he probably is too nice for me. I don't do 'nice' men - the nicest guy I have ever had a relationship with was lovely, but sadly already had a DW & DC....so that probably says something about the usual twats I end up with that he was the best hmm

Friends views are that he is lovely, will treat me like a princess, and do anything for me. And they say the whole physical attraction thing hasnt done me very well so far, perhaps I need to try something new?

So are they right - AIBU?

Alibabaandthe40nappies Tue 01-Sep-09 23:23:49

Up to half-way through I was agreeing with you, but once you get to the part about him being too nice for you....! Gah.

Be kind to yourself. Go out for a drink with the nice man - you may surprise yourself.

I didn't do nice men, but there is one snoring in bed next to me now and he's been there for 5 years. I love him dearly and wouldn't be without him for the world. If I had stuck to my 'rule' of thinking I didn't deserve a nice guy (which is essentialy what you're saying) then I wouldn't be so happy now.

So, YABU - IMVHO

Alambil Tue 01-Sep-09 23:26:08

I'll have him if you pass!

YABU - what's all this "I don't desereve a nice man" bull..? come ON woman - just try it

LaurieFairyCake Tue 01-Sep-09 23:26:24

I think fancying can be grown. I never used to think that but I do now.

And maybe you deserve a 'nice' man. Nice doesn't necessarily mean emasculated or wet.

My dh is the nicest guy in the world but he's still a challenge and is brilliant at arguing.

You could go out with him a few times, snog when ready, see if you're open to it.

Just don't write him off.

Rindercella Tue 01-Sep-09 23:27:18

Forget about him being too nice for you. That's rubbish, you deserve a heck of a lot more than a twat, so don't aim low on the niceness front smile

But...if you don't fancy him I would say there's little chance of it working out with this particular man. You could go on a date with him. Perhaps some one-to-one contact might make him more attractive to you? Unfortunately though, you can't make yourself fancy someone. I have tried it and it was horrible.

You can find nice and fanciable. These men are few & far between, but they do exist smile

Rindercella Tue 01-Sep-09 23:29:30

Btw, by one-to-one contact, I meant drinks and dinner. Nothing else, I promise. Unless of course you found after a few drinks and dinner that he was actually rather attractive after all grin

Fruitbeard Tue 01-Sep-09 23:30:14

DH is nice.

I didn't fancy him at all (but really enjoyed his company) til our second date, where he gave me a ribena-flavoured kiss goodbye (he'd been drinking rum & black). I don't know why, but that just did it for me.

22 years later, we're still together. He's still nice. I fancy the bollocks off him.

hatesponge Tue 01-Sep-09 23:35:06

I'm not sure I meant that I didn't deserve a nice man....more that he is just such a nice guy I wouldn't want to mess him around or get his hopes up (if that doesnt sound too arrogant).

Am going to a big function in a couple of weeks time which he will also be at, so I might try and spend a bit more time with him then - he'll be in black tie & given that makes all men look great, I guess if I dont even fancy him a little when all dressed up, its probably not going to happen

thesecondcoming Tue 01-Sep-09 23:37:56

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pickyvic Tue 01-Sep-09 23:38:52

and sometimes it grows on you....my DH is really nice, but i deserved nice.

the older he gets the more i want to jump his bones.... blush
weve been together for 20 years now, he is looking better with age, a bit more rugged - he says he is growing into himself,

nice!

Rindercella Tue 01-Sep-09 23:43:28

Black tie do eh?

Well, he could end up looking something like this

And then when you go on holiday, looking phwoar <<dirty old woman emoticon>>

ilove Tue 01-Sep-09 23:43:40

I have a nice man...had him nearly 16 years now! I, too, thought he was too nice for me...

and I adore him in a suit/black tie!

jemart Wed 02-Sep-09 00:02:30

Bad boys are over-rated, nice is definitely the way to go!

hatesponge Wed 02-Sep-09 00:15:36

Rindercella - lol although I have to admit, I don't really fancy him either - as a disclaimer I must point out that the man who likes me in no way resembles Daniel Craig....before I get bombarded by requests for his number! grin

now if in turns out that in black tie he looks like this it will be a different story altogether grin [shallow, shameless hussy emoticon]

Alibabaandthe40nappies Wed 02-Sep-09 08:04:06

mmm - that is a good picture of RPJ! Yum

Hatesponge - that sounds like a good idea. If you can fancy them in black-tie then all is not lost. Don't force it, but don't rule it out.

I know what you mean about not wanting to lead him on and hurt him, very much to your credit that you feel that way . Good luck!

GossipMonger Wed 02-Sep-09 08:11:53

Just 'court' him then , the oldfashioned way.

I didnt fancy my Italian chef til my Mum 'made' me give him a chance!

It's our 10th WA next year and he is lush!

pjmama Wed 02-Sep-09 08:42:39

Ooo Rindercella! It's a bit early for that, I'll have to go lie down....

Seriously, give him a go - he might surprise you wink

MaryBS Wed 02-Sep-09 08:45:55

I have a nice man too - and after everything that has happened the past two years, during which I was almost totally unbearable and he still stuck by me, I am SO glad he's mine

Give him a chance, break the cycle of nasty men!

warthog Wed 02-Sep-09 08:47:13

give it a go!

this 'he's too nice' bullshit. then you get cross when you go out with a wanker.

you've got nothing to lose.

Overmydeadbody Wed 02-Sep-09 09:00:14

hatesponge I knoe where you are coming from.

I know a man, who on paper, would seem perfect for me, and we get on quite well, but I truly don't fancy him, to the point where I find him quite physically repulsive now.

He tried and tried to get together with me, and the more he tried, the more I really didn't like him.

Sometimes, if someone just doesn't do it for you physically, it doesn't matter how perfect they may seem on paper, it's just not gonna happen.

Having said that, physical attraction can grow the more you get to know someone, so there is no harm in getting to know him better.

BouncingTurtle Wed 02-Sep-09 09:01:40

My DH is too nice too

But he is an amazing person and we couldn't be happier - we've been together about 10 years now.

Anyway, your nice man might be a complete stallion in the sack wink

ABetaDad Wed 02-Sep-09 09:03:53

hatesponge - I do think you do have to fancy someone or at least think them good looking to start with but of course that is not enough to sustain anything.

On the other hand, I suspect that it is possible to wrongly reject someone who is really good looking just because they are not my type. That might be what you are doing here?

DW said she thought I was good looking (few others have) when we met but she was used to going out with a very smooth, confident, charming, night club lothario types and she really did not like me at all as I was the complete opposite.

You should give it a try in relaxed, low pressure setitngs. Not like formal dates that raise expectations. Tell your friends to back off a bit too. You deserve a nice man. smile

QuintessentialShadows Wed 02-Sep-09 09:07:21

If you dont want "nice" maybe this is what you are looking for? wink

Seriously, try getting to know him a little, you might be surprised.

HelenaBonhamCarter Wed 02-Sep-09 09:08:02

It depends.

You might be sensing something about him...some guys are v passive aggressive and want someone they can just do everything for and then resent for not liking them enough...if you get my drift.

Get to know him a bit and then make up your mind about how genuine he is. For me to fancy someone I need to respect them a LOT and also know they find me very special, not just pretty and charming.

HelenaBonhamCarter Wed 02-Sep-09 09:09:06

also if he is that nice, try to find out why his first marriage didn't work out. Someone must know.

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