to be totally pissed off with my sister?

[slowlygoingcrazy]

quick background: she got married last Sept. Wanted everything to be princess-like, ended up costing me, my parents and everyone involved a hell of a lot of money which we couldn't afford, but her special day and all that. So, it then turns out she was having an affair, marriage over within 4 months.

Moves in with affair-man! Family distraught, my DC's upset as her H was their godfather, close to them etc.

Last time she cheated on her H and he threw her out, I took her in, paid for everything for her (even though she's a headteacher and earns a helluva lot more than me!), sorted her debts etc etc. When I needed help...nothing...not even a phone call!!

When she was upset about her marriage being over, i took her for a weekend to health spa, gave her lots of advice and was generally a shoulder to lean on.

Now, I had a new baby earlier this year. She has seen her about 4 times. She has just had 7 weeks off work and hasn't bothered seeing us once. She knows I am struggling with 3 kids and my job but hasn't once offered to help me, only lives 3 miles away and has sod all else to do.

All she ever calls for is to gloat over new car, new house, something good happening, never calls to see if DC's are okay or what they've been doing or if I need anything.

Parents are all for her new man, even though he cheated and lied etc to get with her. They really need to think back a year to all the hell she put us through. She never should have got married. Dad gave all his savings to the wedding, mum put all her time and energy. For nothing. the affair had been going on two years.

Sorry to go on but I have just had a phone call telling me what a lovely time they have all had (her, her P, his parents, my parents), and I want to shout 'what about us? aren't we part of your family anymore?'. I had to ask her where she was living a few weeks ago as I hadn't a clue!

I really don't know why she has cut us out and I am really really upset

AIBU?

[Nancy66]

Not being unreasonable at all. Your sister sounds very self absorbed - some people are just takers, sounds like she is one of them.

[wotzy]

Don't be upset, this is a normal family. She hasn't cut you out, she is just being selfish. Don't let it get you down. You are doing a great job and maybe you need to let her know that you need a shoulder to lean on too sometimes.

[slowlygoingcrazy]

thanks Nancy, it's just a bit upsetting at the moment. My kids miss their aunty and there's no getting through to her

[slowlygoingcrazy]

is it normal wotzy? all my friends sisters seem to go to great lengths to help them.

[giveloveachance]

It grates and seems unfair, but you are all letting her do this by not saying No. Perhaps she should pay back your parents some of the money especially if it was their savings.

Seems like you need a break from her - she is unlikely to be the kind of 'interested in your life' sister that you hope her to be. You just have to face up to that, or she will continue to hurt you.

[slowlygoingcrazy]

you're right givelove. I wish she didn't bother me, but it does. She wouldn't even entertain the idea of paying parents back. they wouldn't take it anyway. they always back her up, even though i know they really think differently.

She talks to me and my parents as though we are school children! she thinks she can lecture me on how I parent my children when I have 3 and she doesn't have any yet! I am also a lot older. She also goes on about my weight but I am only slightly overweight (5'5 and 11 stone). Makes out regularly that I'm the 'ugly sister!'. Lots of people don't like her, friends/family, because of the way she is to people and she says it's because she 'slim and pretty, people are jealous!'. This is ridiculous.

It is helping to spill it all out on here because as much as she gets me down, I can't tell RL friends as I don't want them to think bad of her!

[wotzy]

Well I was at both my sisters babies births as her dh was away. She took about 8 months to a year to visit both of mine after they were born, but that was by that time she had moved to Europe. I was around a lot for her. By the time I had children when was hundreds of miles away.

It is hard to come to terms that your sibling has different values to you. She obviously does and won't change by the sounds of it. You have to accept her faults, but that doesn't mean you have to be happy about it. Just let it go.

[diddl]

She sounds awful!
But she probably isn´t interested in your children.
Do your parents show an interest in you & your children

[slowlygoingcrazy]

yes, my parents are lovely and family are very important to them.

[Overmydeadbody]

I wouldn't call that normal wotzy. I'd call that seriously unhealthy and not the norm.

OP YANBU, your sis is behaving selfishly, you need to stop giving her so much in future.

I have three sisters, we are all close and would drop anything for each other and support each other through anything. That is normal. This situation is not.

[bratley]

I agree, I think you should give yourself some time away from her. Maybe she'll see how much you support her, although it doesn't sound like she will to be honest.
Some people just can't give back as much as they take from others.
YANBU to be pissed off but I think you're going to be pissed off for a long time if you're waiting for things to change. Think you might just have to take a deep breath and get on with your life.

[Overmydeadbody]

She sounds insecure and manipulative.

Give her a wide berth and don't take how she behaves personally.

[slowlygoingcrazy]

overmydeadbody - I want your sisters, that is lovely

[diddl]

The other problem is,if people keep giving in, she won´t change!
Why did people fork out money that they couldn´t afford for her wedding?

[wotzy]

OMDB I would have said it was not normal, before being on MN for a few years and reading many threads about siblings. Which is why I think it is normal for a majority of families to have siblings with very different values and this is a typical example.

The parents are only trying to do what they think is best. Your sister does sound like a royal pain the the backside though and I would be upset too if I were the op. But...I'd still let it go. Or if you like give youself some distance for a while.

[slowlygoingcrazy]

diddl - I paid what I couldn't afford because it kept being thrown at me; 'this is what your DC's are wearing, it's £x', 'this is where we are going for my hen night', 'this is what you're to wear', 'your DH is to wear this', 'I will be offended if you don't all stay over at the hotel on the night of the wedding', etc etc.

I will just have to walk away won't I and try not to think about. I do have a pretty full and hectic life but I have always made time for her (even though she once stopped talking to me for a month because I ironed while she was here and she didn't think it was very polite!! - it was 8 pm Sunday evening, kids at school the next day, uniform not ironed and I had no idea she was coming round!!).

[Overmydeadbody]

slowly you need to start putting your foot down from now on and being more blunt and honest with her. Don't get into long drawn out arguments or anything, but just be firm and stand up to her, like she was a child.

I feel for you, it must be very upsetting.

[giveloveachance]

Sounds like she is very manipulative. Its awful that you are made to feel so low. Maybe she does it because she is competing with you on some level? You are older, therefore came first, and you already have 3 children, so maybe she is jealous of that fact?

Please don't feel you have to apologise for how you live your life - if you want to iron in your own home in your own time, what the hell has it to do with her?!!

She needs to get over herself, really!

It is very hard to come to terms with a sibling who just seems to take you for granted and worse - but its their loss primarily and you need to try to not let it affect your life.

I have a sister very much like this - took a long time to come to terms with it but I no longer put her demands above my feelings, and you need to do the same i think.

[retiredlady]

Can I ask a couple of questions that do not seem to have been answered. How old is your sister and how come she has no savings?

If she is a head teacher she must be at least in her late 30's or early 40's and must have been on good money for some years. Assistant Head, Deputy Head and then Head Teacher means lots of cash that must have gone somewhere

[Ineedmorechocolatenow]

She sounds thoroughly unpleasant. It's hard, my sister is a 'taker' too and it's exhausting. I recommend trying to distance yourself emotionally from her. I've had to cut her off in my head to stop feeling so let-down and frustrated with her. It's working so far.....

[CheerfulYank]

She sounds like a bee with an itch honestly! I don't have sisters and would like to, want to adopt me?!

Have you set her down and plain said, "look, I need a hand and the children and I would like to see you. When could you come for a visit?"

And who says "people are jealous of me because I'm skinny and pretty?" UGH. Also my dear Dad would flip his nut about the wedding thing if it were me.

[retiredlady]

This thread seems to have stopped. I'm only re-opening it because I was wondering if the originator found the advice offered useful.

I wasn't trying to be difficult when I asked about sister's finances. A Head Teacher is a well paid job and I for one would want to know where all the money had gone. Is sister telling you the truth?