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to think that residency is not synonomous with sole responsibility?

(13 Posts)
colditz Tue 01-Sep-09 13:13:09

I split with ex 2.5 years ago. In that time, he has walked out of his job, and is now unemployed and living in a shared house.

When I asked him about any plans for the future to meet his responsibility for the children, (The children that were apparently the reason he wouldn't leave quietly in the first place, the children he thought were the reason to spend every evening in my goddamned house), he replied "Well you're the one who wanted custody. That's what you get with custody. It's your problem."


I'm pretty sure that he's being unreasonable ... but what should I EXPECT of a father who doesn't live with his children any more? Am I being unreasonable to think he should look after them over night, that this should take place is a non-shared facility that is not my house, and that he should contribute financially to them as well as feeding them out of his own pocket when he is looking after them?

colditz Tue 01-Sep-09 13:20:13


itsmeolord Tue 01-Sep-09 13:29:14

YANBU but you cannot force him to step up. In my experience you have to get on with it without his input as crap as that may be and learn to enjoy your life with your children.

He is a cock and will never really be happy, you on the other hand have every reason to be proud of yourself and your children.

colditz Tue 01-Sep-09 13:39:31


I'm TIRED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want a break. I never signed up to do this by myself. SOmetimes I want them all (yes, yes including the kids) to FUCK OFF and let me run away to london and be some nice family's au pair and have 100 a week to myself for doing exactly what I do here, and give the shitty arsed ex a taste of his own fucking goddamned medicine.

I didn't WANT sole residency, I just got left with it. I had other plans. I feel very resentful, and guilty about feeling resentful.

itsmeolord Tue 01-Sep-09 13:52:24

I know. I've been there. smile

But you really can't force his hand, you have no leverage. So you need to get on with making the life you want.
Do you work? If so are you able to afford a babysitting agency for an evening out maybe?
If not are there friends or family who will agree to let you have one night out a month for example to give you some sort of break?

How old are the kids? Are they all at school yet?

diddl Tue 01-Sep-09 13:58:21

Of course he should contribute financially to his children.
And the children should visit him where he lives as agreed between the two of you.
If he must visit at yours, is there anywhere you can go to for a couple of days?
(What´s a shared house?)

TheCrackFox Tue 01-Sep-09 14:00:33

Of course he should be contributing financially, practically and emotionally. He is there Dad. However, by the sounds of it he is a twat.


UnquietDad Tue 01-Sep-09 14:04:01

I think "shared house" usually means the kind of thing people do in their 20s, where 3 or 4 people rent one house? Like in "This Life"? (Sorry if that's a fatuous comparison, but if people have never had to do it in real life they may not know!)

colditz Tue 01-Sep-09 14:10:17

His newest compliant is that I "Talk down" to him.

I have to.

It is all I can do not to lose it on the phone. At which point he'll put the phone down.

SO I have to make a conscious effort to keep my voice absolutely level, so he has no cause to put the phone down while I am still trying to extract decisions about when and where he will see the kids. Then he puts the phone down if I ask questions he doesn't like.

I am only bothering for the sake of my children, I swear. Otherwise I just wouldn't bother talking to him.

I ring him and ask for money, I get a gobful. SO I have made the decision that I don't want any of his money, therefore I don't have to ever ask for it. We'll be fucking brassic instead, but it is worth it to have one less thing to have to discuss.

Now all our discussions can be purely about the kids. Full stop.

colditz Wed 02-Sep-09 18:08:55


he agreed to look after the children from half past nine until 5 today.

Got text message at 9.45 (although he has since insisted he sent it earlier) telling me he has hurt his ankle and can't come.

So he's let them down again.

Good job I didn't bother telling them he was coming, isn't it?

He also agreed to look after ds2 tomorrow while I take ds1 to the hospital, but I don't think I am going to bother reminding him, it's not worth the fucking verbal abuse.

whooosh Wed 02-Sep-09 18:16:40

Oh Colditz I am so with you!
Have a similar problem with Xp-doesn't like the conditions I set and is refusing to see DD until I agree t her conditions.
DD is the one suffering-I haven't had a penny since she left but when she failed to pick up DD for "her" weekend-it was me picking up thepieces.
I have no family support (but some wonderful friends) but feel that responsibility is joine.I can't just walk away like she did.....

notevenamousie Wed 02-Sep-09 18:24:48

Oh, colditz, you are right, and it is thankless and exhausting without a break and without money.

My ex is becoming less involved, less interested and more abusive. And yes, you just get on with it, but it feels crap though.

colditz Wed 02-Sep-09 18:37:55

I jjst wanted a break, I wanted him for once to be interested in his own children. Over the past few months they seem to have come to mean nothing to him. I wonder now if the only reason he stayed so involved before was because he thought we might get back together.

If I put in him the same situation he put me in, he would be cacking his frillies <<contempt>>

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