For refusing to pay for the holiday?

[PringleMunster]

Me and DP both like our independance so when we moved in together we arranged it so that the household income was split 50/50 and all bills and outgoings were also split equally.

This meant that we were both left with the same ammount of disposable income in our personal bank accounts at the end of each month.

Anyway, as DP and his son have never been abroad, we decided to start saving for a 'cheapish' holiday to Greece.

The deal was that we would both save up for half of the cost equally as we both have the same ammount of disposable income.

So within a month of us agreeing this I saved up half of the deposit. I then asked DP how he was getting on with his saving. He told me he hadn't saved anything as he had 'no spare money'

I asked how this could be true under the circumstances and he'd basically gone out and spent £200 on clothes.

I let it go and just reminded him that as I'd already saved up my half of the deposit, the rest was his responsibility. He said he'd have it by the end of the next month.

In this time I managed to save another £300 towards the overall balance.

At the end of the month I asked DP how much he'd managed to save and (assuming he had at least £250!) I suggested we think about booking something.

His face lit up and he blurted out "we have all the deposit?? great!" I said "I have half of it, I take it you don't?" and he said "not yet, I've had a lot of outgoings this month, you have enough for the whole deposit though, you pay that and I'll pay more towards the overall balance"

I can't trust that he will. He has a terrible record with money (part of the reason I wanted seperate accounts) and if he can't even manage to save £250 how is he going to contribute towards the rest of the £2k???

So I've told him that unless he has his half of the deposit by November, I will be using the money I have saved to take me and my DC on holiday without him.

He thinks I am being unfair and 'tight' and very, very unfair to his DS. I am now getting the guilt trip "DSS has never been abroad, why do you begrudge helping us?" etc etc.

I do feel bad for DSS but why should I have to pay for everyone? we have the same ammount of disposable income, I just don't waste mine on crap.

AIBU?

[BitOfFun]

Do you live together then?

If so, either you all go or none of you, would be my view.

[Tortington]

yanbu

seems a vl odd set up though

we have out outgoings so that we have the same disposable income in each account - but dh wouldnt go out and spend £200 on clothes without consulting with me on whether or not this would be the best use of money.

i wouldnt pay for the deposit.

[AnyFucker]

oh dear, you don't like him very much do you

never mind the money stuff, do you see this relationship standing the test of time ?

[MissisBoot]

Maybe you should set up a holiday fund and increase the amount you both contribute to your household costs to cover a certain amount each month then you wouldn't have to rely on him to 'save' which he clearly can't do.

[PringleMunster]

We do live together, yes but I'm torn between making a point and letting DP suffer for not saving up (but then that unfairly punishes DSS too) or not going on holiday at all which punishes my kids and myself.

I simply refuse to pay the lot. So that is not an option, if I did that, DP would never bother saving for anything again.

[ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight]

I think your set up is fair if he is shit with money. Not fair if you go without to save and he gets 200 quid of new clothes. Put your foot down. But don't book a holiday for you and your kids - that would be awful. Just tell him you are not going to book it until he has his half. Offer to help him make a budget if he's struggling.

[SolidGoldBrass]

I think you are at risk of getting into a rather unhealthy situation with your DP of you telling him what to do and basically casting him in the role of naughty child.
Does he have other good qualities? Ie does he pull his weight domestically, make you laugh, is he good in bed? You don't seem terribly fond of him.

[PringleMunster]

We did have a bank account for the holiday fund but it was only ever me that used it. DP always had an excuse as to why he didn't have enough to put in it.

[itsmeolord]

YABU. You are either a family or you are not. Whatever your issues with your partner it's horrid to take some children on a holiday and leave one behind. The child won't understand, your partner will be bitter and resentful and your relationship would struggle to recover.

Can you tell I have had almost exactly the same situation?

Get your partner to set up a standing order to your account for a set amount each month towards the holiday to run until he has aid "his" half. That way he can spend what he wants to on clothes etc from whatever is left.

You need to explain to your partner that you begrudge "helping" him because if he hadn't spent all his cash on treats for himself then he wouldn't need the help in the first place.
You are his partner not his personal cash point. He needs to understand that the money issues can so easily build to a point where they end the relationship.

[PringleMunster]

Other ways he's great. He does more than is fair share of domestic things, he does most of the cooking, we go out and have a laugh but he's just shit with money and takes no responsibility for it. He's been bankrupt in the past (before I met him) so I know he's always been like it. Even now, he can't get credit yet natters me to put stuff on my credit card/overdraft. He's not learnt a thing from his past finantial disasters.

[itsmeolord]

For christmas buy him the OU course Managing Personal Finance. It's about £350, teaches all you need to know about interest, overdrafts etc, what type of credit is good, whats bad, how to budget properly and why you should. You could enrol him for the February term.

[DaisymooSteiner]

Well, you don't really sound like a family to me, more like people who live in the same house. I'd be trying to work out how you see this panning out in the long run first before you make a decision on a holiday together.

[LaurieFairyCake]

YANBU

You both have exactly the same fair amount of money at the end of every month. You both decided to save towards the cost of a holiday.

He didn't and spent his money on clothes.

Do not pay - you will just end up paying for the whole thing.

I would not entertain discussion about this - it is his responsibility to save up his half and you to save up yours.

[SolidGoldBrass]

The thing is, people who are really bad with money rarely change. So you have to decide if his good points outweigh the bad-with-money side of him, and work out ways to manage it that don't involve you either having to subsidize him all the time or having to 'punish' him.
So the best solution to this particular issue is to say to him that you won't be booking a holiday until he has his share of the deposit (but don;t go on holiday leaving his DS behind, that is harsh on the child who can't help his father being useless with money).

[AliGrylls]

Absolutely not. Give in on this and you are on a slippery slope to him never paying for anything.

Tell him that if he can't save the money for his half then you are happy to stay at home (even if you aren't). The shock will either stimulate him into action and if it doesn't then you will be glad you didn't trust him.

[ginormoboobs]

If he does not pay his share of the deposit , take all of the children (DSS too)on holiday and leave him at home.

[QuintessentialShadows]

By when should the deposit be paid?

I am wondering, if this is a case of you trying to make him save at your pace rather than let him save up at his pace?

You had the deposit saved up for within a month. He didnt. Did he HAVE to have the deposit saved up so soon? Or did you think he should have because YOU did?

Dont let him guilt trip you.
Just tell him when the deposit should be paid, he has as much disposable income to save as you, and should be able to save also. If he isnt, then you cant afford to go on holiday together, and should look for alternatives. I think you need to spell it out for him, and say that he does not need any financial help to get this holiday sorted, he just needs to prioritise to ensure that his son WILL GET his holiday abroad, if that is what he wants.

[BubbaAndBump]

YANBU pringles, though I think you may have inadvertently written about my DH. Crapamundo at saving and doesn't seem to mind that I spend my disposable income (less than his) on things for us and the house while he continues to spend it on bad debts and beer

[allaboutme]

YANBU
How about suggesting a fresh start and to postpone the holiday so that he still has time to save for his half?
Suggest ways he could make it easier like taking the money off his income via standing order into the seperate bank account before he even see's it to save the temptation of him spending it?

If you really MUST go without him then you should take DSS too

[welshdeb]

I would be thinking very hard about this.

Your Dp has previoulsy had money problems he has the same disposable income as you, he seems quite happy for you to take on his overspending /debt you said he asks you to put stuff on your credit cards/overdraft. he shows no inclination to save and plays the guilt trip on you about his ds never having been abroad.

I take on board what some other posters are saying about you now being a family but that goes both ways and I don't think you should b guilted into taking on the financial responsibility for this holiday, its a slipery slope.

If he isn't prepared to do this for his own son what does this say about his attitude long term.

[Tidey]

I'm extremely tightfisted, but £2000 doesn't sound like a 'cheapish' holiday to me.

No you're not being unreasonable, if he can't commit himself to saving for it, he can't want to go that badly. You're going to end up resenting him if you do go and end up paying for everything.

[edam]

I'd be very, very cautious about getting into any joint financial arrangements with someone who is so irresponsible about money.

Sadly I didn't realise this about dh until far too late.

All those posters who say 'you are a family' are missing the point - you wouldn't trust an alcoholic with booze, you can't trust an irresponsible spender with money. Unfortunately there's no financial equivalent of going teetotal so all you can do is keep your money entirely separate.

Wouldn't subsidise him over the deposit, you'll just end up paying for everything, and he won't take any responsibility at all.

Get some direct debits set up from his account (the one his wages go into) into an account you can use to pay the bills - make sure that account has no overdraft facilities so he can't raid it, or keep it in your name only.

[diddl]

I be tempted to make him start paying all the bills and use your money for holidays/treats etv.

[ItsHitMe]

Definately NBU, why should you have to pay for him, you've been quite clear about the arrangements.

[TrillianAstra]

YANBU.

I don't think you can go off on holiday without him and DSS, but you definitely shouldn't fund his half of the holiday if he has frittered his money (and you have the same amount of disposable income).

He says he's had a lot of outgoings this month? Ask him to go through them with you. Do a budget of what you've each sent your money on in the last month, and see where the £300 difference has come from.