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To send an email to my brothers wife explaining how i feel?

(20 Posts)
TheLadyEvenstar Mon 31-Aug-09 21:16:11

Ok a bit of background. Last december my half brother got in contact with me. I had grown up knowing about him but he never knew about me. That is another story though. We met up and got on well. My sister then asked me for his number which after i cleared it with him i gave her. We then were meant to meet for my birthday in Feb but first he was ill and then I was ill so it never happened. We eventually all met up in July. My sister, her dh,her dc,myself, dp, and my dc, Him, his dw and their dc.

Both DB and his DW commented how alike I was to HIS Sister (my dads daughter) who he doesn't talk to and hasn't done for ages. Anyway, cutting a long story short he has little to do with me and it feels to me that because I am apparently so like his sister he has shifted the feelings he has towards her onto me IYSWIM? anyway I find out today that my sister invited him, dw and their dc to a bbq yesterday but not me dp and my dc. I have to say it hurt.

I was talking to my friend and I said You know it was me he came to, me he spent the day with, me he questioned, got her number and dropped me. I need to say something".
So after a lot of consideration and thinking I sent him, well actually his wife an email explaining how i felt...I was pleasent and polite. I even explained I had emailed her as I did not want to hurt or upset him.

GirlsAreLoud Mon 31-Aug-09 21:17:56

I don't understand why you emailed her and not him though? She'll just show him the email, won't she?

drinkyourmilk Mon 31-Aug-09 21:20:27

I think it's your sister you should be having words with tbh

NoahFence Mon 31-Aug-09 21:22:18

oh god move on

Northernlurker Mon 31-Aug-09 21:23:04

So basically you think that your brother likes your sister better than you because you are like his other sister and he doesn't like her? And you thought the best thing to do with all this was e-mail his wife? hmm

Well I don't see how that's going to help to be honest. He isn't obligated to invite you to social events and some siblings do have better affinity than others. To be honest I think the best thing to do is just say nowt and see what happens next. As you've already e-mailed though I guess that ship has sailed. I know you feel you were polite but I'm struggling to imagine a pleasant and polite way of saying 'why didn't you invite US?'

MaggieLeo Mon 31-Aug-09 21:23:13

Wow, you have no control over what you look like!! There must be something else going on........

Silver1 Mon 31-Aug-09 21:24:43

Never put anything in print that can later be used against you!

Do you know why the sibs had a falling out?

to be honest YABU because you have left his wife in a really awful position. You are trying to use your emotions to muscle in on their relationship to get him to do what you want.
I know that was never your intention, but I think you may have just launched a family grenade-your sister will think your sulking-your brother will think you really are like his other sister, and they will all gang up and say how rotten you are-when we all know they are the ones who have been unfair towards you.

TheLadyEvenstar Mon 31-Aug-09 21:34:41

Sorry, My sister is just that, she is no blood relative to my half brother. So yes I am a bit miffed by that.

Northern, everybody says how like her I am, even my dad used to say when I was small "oh god you are so like dd1".

When DB saw a photo of me as a child he said "My dd1 is your double" when we all met up the children did not know who we were, they do now.

it is very complex, i emailed his wife as he seems very like my other brother and very closed if that makes sense?

Oh and I never asked HIM why we were not invited, It is something I will be taking up with my sister when i get a chance. especially as today when I was in her garden, (popped in for 5 minutes) her youngest said to me "Aunty Tles, we had a bbq yesterday" my sister spun round and said "Sh are you going to go and play now or what" so he replied "I was just telling aunty TLES" and she sent him off to play.

So yes I will be asking her.

TheLadyEvenstar Mon 31-Aug-09 21:37:49

Silver x-posted sorry.

As far as I know it was over their mothers death, not sure exactly what. I only emailed her as she does have more to do with me than he does. I have only met him twice so I have not done anything to upset him. The only thing that springs to mind is i did not invite him to ds2's christening, in fact i never told him about it. BUT my sister made a point of telling him about it.

PlumBumMum Mon 31-Aug-09 21:44:14

So your sister is NOT his sister have I got that right?
But she invited him to the bbq and not you, then I would be miffed!
But you should ring your brother and just ask him out right what the problem is?

beanieb Mon 31-Aug-09 21:48:36

why didn't you invite him to the christening?

groundhogs Mon 31-Aug-09 21:48:40

tbh agree with drinkyourmilk, it's yr sister who you ought to have called out on this.

If he is so shallow as to write you off cos you remind him of his full sister, just remind yourself he's only a half brother, you don't have to have him in your life, and for whatever reason he was never told about you, so his feelings for you are no more than for anyone else.

You don't need his approval, nor his friendship, if he's unable to see you for the lovely you that you are to your family and friends, so what?

Now, for your sister inviting him and not you, and keeping it from you? Wrong, just plain wrong! You met him or had contact with him first, so introduced him to yr sister. She had no business excluding you like that. A calm conversation with her, to explain that she wouldn't have done that if it were a girl friend she'd met thru you, so it's not right to have invited him to hers without having the decency to have told you all about it first. I'm guessing she knew all this, which is precisely why she didn't come and talk to you about it. Explain that of course your feelings would have been hurt by this new entrant to your family being allowed to come between two full sisters, but as he clearly has very little clue on how good family works things out, not much better could have been expected of him.

Ditch him, he sounds as though he's not worth it, talk things thru and resolve things with your full sister, and move on. I don't think emailing his wife was a particularly useful move, she will have even less connection with you than he does. But it's done now, let the chips fall as they may.

Head up, best foot forward, and don't let your half brother get to you, frankly, i don't think he's worth it.

TheLadyEvenstar Mon 31-Aug-09 21:49:08

Plum, My sister is my mums from previous marriage,
my Brother and other sister are dads from previous marriage.
My other brother and I are mums and dads iyswim?

My sister brother and I were brought up together, my dad adopted her. My brother was brought up by his mum and her new husband who adopted him and his sister.

Hope I have not confused you!

PlumBumMum Mon 31-Aug-09 21:56:01

I've got it
but as everyone says your sisters' bbq is a seperate issue

and as beanieb says why didn't you invite him to the christening, or not tell him about it, maybe he thinks you don't want anything to do with him,
its not his fault your sister invited him, and he was maybe surprised you weren't there.

Also why did your sister want his number?

TheLadyEvenstar Mon 31-Aug-09 22:04:15

I was going to invite him to ds2's christening but sis said not to bother as he was going away, she said not to even bother mentioning it to him so i didn't but she then did.

I probably shouldnt have emailed his dw, but she is the one who talks to me and after we all spent the day together and their dd wouldnt leave me alone, she (dw) told him he needed to explain to the dc who we really were.

PlumBumMum Mon 31-Aug-09 22:07:21

Sounds like your sister is abit jealous and dosen't like the idea of you having something to yourself,
I think it strange she is building a relationship with him when they are not related

TheLadyEvenstar Mon 31-Aug-09 22:09:42

when mum and dad met, sister and brother were little together iyswim? so for a few years they saw eachother.

TheLadyEvenstar Mon 31-Aug-09 22:10:40

she is very down putting towards me. For example today my eldest nephew 9yrs kept asking me to get on the trampoline with him she turned round and said "ds1 you do know there is a weight limit" He did make me laugh though when he replied "errr but mummy you have been on here and Aunty Tles is not as heavy as you"

I told him my back was bad and i couldn't get on. Other things she has said are (when i was pg with ds1 and ds2) lets hope the baby isn't born with your nose.

Oh you need to sort yourself out you are getting fat, I am a size 12-14 5ft 8" she is a size 18 5ft 3"!!!!

I only didn't tell him about christening as at the time, she had said no don't invite him he is going away, so i didn't.

PlumBumMum Mon 31-Aug-09 22:24:59

She definitely sounds like she is jealous and insecure,
she might think that if you build up a good relationship with his family you will forget about her, so shes trying to make sure she is not excluded, sounds silly and immature but sadly some peoples insecurities make them behave like they are back in school

TheLadyEvenstar Mon 31-Aug-09 22:52:07

Plum, I have said similar to dp this evening

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