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To feel miffed next door neighbour refused to let DS go to play?

(418 Posts)
MrsBarbaraKingstanding Mon 31-Aug-09 20:35:46

Ok, I'll try to give the necessary info:

Next door neighbour is a friend and her children go to the same school as mine.

She has 3 children, I have 2 all within 4 yrs of each others ages.

My Ds's often ask if they can play with children next door. If they're home I'll say they can call to play. They are allowed to play abut 60% of the time, the rest of the time my friend says 'no they're busy' and oten they then play on their own in their garden.hmm

My Ds's are confused and upset by this. I told them to stop asking for a while.

Then in the summer they've asked about twice and all played ogether really ahppily.

This weekend neighbours had cousins to stay. Yesterady morning 8 children playing games together in neighbours garden, my DS said to DH that sounds great can I play witth them? Dh asked over fence, next doors Ds went to ask my frind if my DS could come and play he came abck and said 'mum says no.'

My DS spends 2 hours watching other kids play next door out of back bedroom window, feeling very sad and forlorn.

Why would anyone do that to a kid?

My Ds's are quiet boys who are honestly no trouble. so it's not that.

so why would anyone have this attitude? I'd be really happy for the kids to play in and out of our houses on an easy going basis, where you kick them out when it's dinner time etc. I really dislike this closed door attitude it seems very cold.

I guess I know the answer to this: we have different attitdes and I've got to accept that.

But I don't like it.

LaurieFairyCake Mon 31-Aug-09 20:37:33

Well you're allowed to be miffed.

And she's allowed to have as many round her house as she wants.

sherby Mon 31-Aug-09 20:37:37


Well sometimes the children next door ask to come here and I say no. Sometimes dd just wants to play on her own or with her brother. Other times I don't want the extra children in the garden and the extra work that comes with it.

franklymydear Mon 31-Aug-09 20:40:29

She had 8 kids round - that's enough already

She is your neighbour - give her some respect and privacy

edam Mon 31-Aug-09 20:40:42

Maybe she felt she had her hands full with eight and one more would have been too much?

We used to have v. good neighbours who were happy to do the thing you suggest, kids in and out of each other's houses (and they often DID feed ds so we had to start feeding theirs, too). But sometimes when ds had his cousins here, I didn't want the neighbours' kids too - it was about the family getting together. Luckily this was fine.

SoupDragon Mon 31-Aug-09 20:42:16

How often do you have them all to play in your house?

colditz Mon 31-Aug-09 20:42:59

I don't want random kids in and out of my house either. Enouigh is enough. I have other things to do.

franklymydear Mon 31-Aug-09 20:43:01

Do her children ever call to play for yours?

Do your children go into her house the 60% of the time they are allowed to play

Do you accept that a home is a castle and a neighbour feeling that you share childcare - or that their kids can come play whenever they want just because they're kids is an intrusion too many.

I think she's doing a great job maintaining your friendship with expectations like you seem to have.

A family unit needs time to just be a family as well as friends around.

Comewhinewithme Mon 31-Aug-09 20:43:12

The little boy next door to me is forever asking to come round here and sometimes I let him but other times I just don't want to have to look after another child sorry but yabu.

hercules1 Mon 31-Aug-09 20:43:44

Yabu. They are not obliged to have your children round when ever they ask. They sound very nice as it is to agree on occasion.

slowreadingprogress Mon 31-Aug-09 20:44:53

god, yes she had enough with 8! I think it was a bit rude to let your kids ask, tbh. You could have said "no, she has her hands full next door. It's not a good day today"....

I think them being allowed to play 60% of the time is great, and you shouldn't have any complaints about that imo!

Agree you need to give her some privacy - if she wants her kids to play by themselves in the garden, of course she should be able to say no to your kids.

I think you're expecting too much. You're right that it comes down to different attitudes, personally I would relate to her approach!

LadyPinkofPinkerton Mon 31-Aug-09 20:45:07

Do they ever come round to your house to play? Maybe she is sick of being hostess

moomaa Mon 31-Aug-09 20:45:35

I get where you're coming from and occasionally ask my neighbour if my little boy can come and play in her garden with her little boy or if he wants to come here but sometimes my DS just likes playing in his own house, with his own stuff and with no-one else there.

From a selfish point of view, more kids = more mess and more chaos.

If I had cousins around, I wouldn't want other kids too unless it was a very commonplace occurance as I would want the cousins to have some family time.


NorbertDentressangle Mon 31-Aug-09 20:45:56

Sorry but YABU -she had 8 children there already and it was a family weekend by the sounds of it.

I quite often say No to the girl next door coming to play or DD calling for her as she virtually lives here we see more than enough of her and sometimes its just nice to spend time together without others coming to play (but hey, maybe I'm being unreasonable?)

Tryharder Mon 31-Aug-09 20:46:01

Maybe your friend thought that your boys would change the dynamic of play.

When my DCs' cousins come to play, I try and discourage the neighbours kids from coming round (they are usually at our house every day) otherwise DS1's loyalties end up torn between the 2 "groups" and he's not old enough to play diplomatically iyswim.

But they all usually ignore me and come round anyway....

TsarChasm Mon 31-Aug-09 20:48:10

I don't blame your neighbour one bit I'm afraid. I have 3 dc, they are a magnet to other children which is fine in moderation, but I still sometimes say no to others coming in.

It's our garden and we should feel able to use it without feeling the need to invite everyone else in all the time.

Also, I don't really like being forlornly watched by next door's dc if I am in the garden trying to have a family bbq or whatever.

moomaa Mon 31-Aug-09 20:48:21

My DH just said YANBU and he had this as a little boy and it made him really sad and what's the harm in letting him join in so now I feel a bit mean.

He says I never understand things like this because I had 3 sisters and we were a gang together.

morocco Mon 31-Aug-09 20:49:11

I'd be v reluctant to have kids round to play when we had family over and tbh i'd expect you to explain to your children that when people have family over, they don't usually have friends over to play at the same time.

do they play out front together or in back garden/house? I hate having neighbours kids in the house - all the kids together get wound up and then trash it. I'd love to send them round to the neighbours house every day though grin. a friendly neighbour like you always offering to have the kids over - fantastic!

TheEgoHasLanded Mon 31-Aug-09 20:49:50 sure another two dc wouldn't have done any harm..

i couldn't have said no..

franklymydear Mon 31-Aug-09 20:49:59

I think you were mistaken in the first place allowing your DS to ask if he can come play when it was obvious next door had guests / family. I am extremely careful that my children do not irritate our neighbours with unwanted attention.

You should have said "No darling they've got people round" and maybe taken them out or started a game in your own garden.

His upset is actually your fault and not the neighbours I think.

Sassybeast Mon 31-Aug-09 20:51:06

So how often does she knock on your door or peer over your fence to ask if her kids can come to yours ? I've had a summer full of being the hostess with the mostess to DDs friends tbh. DH comes in from work and asks what time the creche is shutting! I've sent them away a few times when I've had other friends or family here - if their mums don't like it then tough. And as for your son staring out at them for 2 hours - why on earth didn't you play with him or distract him ? YABVVVU.

TsarChasm Mon 31-Aug-09 20:54:59

I can't believe the looking out the window for 2 hours!hmm

Good grief give your neighbour some space/privacy and entertain dc yourself.

SixtyFootDoll Mon 31-Aug-09 20:55:13

as the house where most of the neighbours kids end up playing I think sometimes I have the right to say no.
When we have visitors/ family over I always say no to the neighbours coming around to play as it would be bad manners IMO.

MrsBarbaraKingstanding Mon 31-Aug-09 20:55:43

My Ds's ask occasionally, maybe once every 2/3 weeks. And went for a long while without asking as I got the impression it was unwanted. they always ask if next doors kids want to come and play here, and usualy play here but have playde three a coule of times.

When I was a kid we called for other kids all the tim and played in each others gardens and houses and in the street. It wasn't s big deal.

My kids will never have that, as I wouldn't let them out to just play and they couldn't walk to other frinds.

So to me, allowing children next door to play for a few hours every few weeks seems very minimal and hardly a geat intrusion.

I find this 'our home is closed attitude' a bit sad.

AS for the cousins, thwy were all playing a mass game in the garden, it wouldn't have added to her workload, so I presume it was the 'dynamic' thing.

Still seems a bit mean to me though, to refuse to let one child join in game.

FourArms Mon 31-Aug-09 20:58:28

We have a fairly similar situation - we have next door's DD in our garden almost every time my DS's are out in the garden. She's no trouble. However, it's not all that often that I let them all come in the house - they make mess then! However, when I've got friends to stay, I probably wouldn't invite her, as I want my children to play with my friend's children, and extra kids might upset the dynamic. My house, my rules! I don't feel guilty though as my two have only ever been in their garden once.

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