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DP's dad is coming to stay and I rather wish he wasn't...

(18 Posts)
KateMess Mon 31-Aug-09 12:35:15


I've seen enough of these threads before to know what the answer is - but lo and behold, now it's my turn and it's not so easy..

My baby was due on Wednesday. On Monday evening DP's dad arrived (he lives in France) and stayed for 2 nights. I was fine with this, I didn't feel like the baby was imminent and of course he's family.

I don't know him very well, he's very nice and quite charming, but also under quite heavy medication for a mental illness that makes him a bit scatty. To put it mildly.

DP's mum always did everything for him but now they're divorced, she's understandably withdrawing.

So, he arrives from France to have an operation in the UK, stays a couple of days (with only minimal damage to the place) then trots off elsewhere. Only to call later to say he's messed up his healthcare and needs to stay with us for 3 months so he qualifies for treatment. Fortunately, DP spoke to him and said no way don't even think about it.

I've just heard a message from him now saying he needs to stay with us for tomorrow, Wednesday and Thursday because DP's mum has said he can only stay one more night with her.

I've just talked about it to DP. DP will back me if I say no but clearly will feel very mean. We have a spare room until the baby needs it and it's only a couple of days. I've said he can come but if the baby arrives I don't want him here because I want to be able to shuffle around learning to breastfeed in a state of undress and well, just 'be' with DP and the baby. I'll be one week overdue on Wednesday.

He seems to have no idea that the baby could have any impact (he has no interest in babies) and mentioned in his message that he's hoping to spend lots of time with DP 'working on his investments'.

I'm not the sort of person who's can just let others get on with it - I'm genetically programmed to be a good hostess.

We haven't spoken to him about this voicemail. I might call DP's mum to discuss it.

Don't know what to do but feel pretty murderous that my special time is being invaded.

picmaestress Mon 31-Aug-09 12:38:42

Your DP needs to take more responsibility for this. Putting the onus on you to say yes or no is really mean in this situation. There must be tons of other places he can stay for those particular 3 nights.
If your DP is unwilling to take the responsibility, just say no. His DH isn't a child in need ffs.
Nice of DP's mum to put the pressure on you at this time as well shock

picmaestress Mon 31-Aug-09 12:39:16

DD, sorry, not DH

Tidey Mon 31-Aug-09 12:41:15

I don't think YABU. He sounds a bit clueless and thoughtless if he hasn't considered that you'd want your house to yourselves when your baby arrives. People need to be a more considerate around a woman who is about to give birth. Is he broke? what's wrong with finding a hotel or B&B if it's only for a couple of nights?

claw3 Mon 31-Aug-09 12:42:40

Pass the buck, let another faimly member put him up for a few nights. Get the feeling those 3 nights, might extend to 3 months.

KateMess Mon 31-Aug-09 12:42:49

Hi Pica, well DP said he'll tell him he can't stay - he's used to him. It's just I know he'll feel pretty mean doing it and that makes me feel mean.

His mum hasn't put any pressure on me - she doesn't know or would not have allowed it (she's fab). That's why I was going to speak to her, to see if she could explain to him why it wasn't on.

Goblinchild Mon 31-Aug-09 12:44:17

Why feel mean? You and the baby come first, and it's great that your DP understands that.
Especially if you are programmed to be a good hostess and dutiful DIL. grin

AMumInScotland Mon 31-Aug-09 12:44:51

YANBU - you have no idea how labour is going to go, or when it's going to start, so of course you don't want extra people round the house to have to cope with, and after the baby arrives you won't want him around either.

Tell DP to say no. Anyone who phones saying he "needs" you to put yourselves out for him is no doubt self-confident enough to make other arrangements.

ErikaMaye Mon 31-Aug-09 12:46:22

You are totally NOT being unreasonable. Surely there are other family members or friends he could stay with?

KateMess Mon 31-Aug-09 12:47:23

He's absolutely broke - I even had to send him off with toiletries. And yes, Claw I'm pretty concerned that 3 days could run on... although I do have faith in DP to lay down the law. He's pretty exasperated.

Apparently there's noone else to put him up hmm wonder why?

I suppose since there's no sign of labour yet, it's maybe unlikely I'll be home with a baby by Thursday (8 days overdue). But I can't speak for what the baby is planning can I?

picmaestress Mon 31-Aug-09 12:48:38

Ah, ok. Give your MIL a ring and see what she thinks. I'd imagine she'll help sort it.
YANBU, that's for sure.

Firawla Mon 31-Aug-09 13:15:23

YANBU it is really not good timing! you are already overdue? its really too thoughtless of him to expect to stay @ that time, and will be uncomfy for you like if you go into labour i doubt you want him hanging around. DP will have to explain to him to make alternative arragments. As he already stayed the couple of days he originally wanted, i would feel in ur situation that just say no, not even for 3 days (def not 3 months, what a joke!) and dont feel bad about it you already let him stay few days when you are so late in pregnancy, he is pushing his luck now

MrsKitty Mon 31-Aug-09 13:28:58

YANBU. Don't let it happen and don't feel bad about it - You have far more important things to think about.

As others have already said, I suspect his "short stay" may extend into something rather longer once he has a foot in the door.

immortalbeloved Mon 31-Aug-09 14:48:47

I would say a resounding no

It will be far far easier to say no now, than to try and get him out if you go into labour, once he's staying I have this feeling that it'll be nearly impossible to get him out!

Please don't feel guilty, you need this time, you need to put you and your baby first

KateMess Mon 31-Aug-09 14:49:29

Thanks for your support, it's hard to know what's reasonable and what isn't when you're a seething cauldron of hormones. Also, I'm very aware that DP's family is very different to mine, and has other expectations.

DP is going to have to speak to him later, so we'll have to talk first about what to say.

mamas12 Mon 31-Aug-09 15:17:00

He is being the unreasonable one and you have a lovely dp for sticking up for you.
Let him carry on sticking up for you because you will need that strength when the baby comes.
Good luck with the labour and ejoy your babymoon without your fil.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Mon 31-Aug-09 16:50:44

No way. Labour could come at any time, you won't necessarily get a warning, and less than 24 hours after you could be home with a baby. It's just not on. He sounds like he'd get in the way, distract your DH and expect you to be cooking/making tea/tidying around after the two of them. No way!

KateMess Mon 31-Aug-09 17:31:26

DP has just spoken to him. He's said he can come tomorrow and he will help him do some thing he's fretting about on his computer and stay the night and then be on his way. And if the baby comes in the meantime, then he can't come.

I've made DP swear it will be just me, him and the baby..

It's bizarre, I would never go somewhere if there was even a whiff that I was not 100% welcome, WTF are these people like! I find it genuinely confusing.

Thanks for all your support. You are all spot on!

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