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To basically ask XP to live a secret life!

(23 Posts)
isthistherightthing Thu 27-Aug-09 14:30:08

I have namecanged for this as I don't particularly want to be recognised or end up in the daily mail wink If you have seen previous threads of mine it may be obvious who I am, but please don't say.

I have put it in AIBU to get honest answers, more so that I would possibly get else where!!

Backgound XP is a compulsive gambler, really has a serious problem has stolen countless amounts of money over the years, been sacked more times that I can remember. Been involved with the police and is currently awaiting sentencing for 2 counts of fraud....

We have been separated for 5 years, we have one child.

In the past 5 years XP has continued to effect our life, messed about with maintenence, stolen from me, messed DD about, ruined every nice thing we've planned, been arrested twice at xmas 2 years in a row....the list goes on. I have covered for him and hid things from DD as for some bizarre reason she wants to see him and seems to love him (albeit she doesn't expect much from him or trust him)

So during the past 5 years he has had an on/off girlfriend, who basically had big issues with DD, at first it was petty things which I tried to sort out, but it eventually ended up the GF and a group of her friends bullying DD and reducing her to tears, DD was 6, these were a group of women in their 20s, so I said DD was to have no contact with her and the relationship died out.

So this year has been a really bad year, as mentioned he has been arrested twice and has really effected our lives. He is due to be sentenced on DD's birthday and will probably go to prison.

Due to this he has started gamblers anonymous and is that way where he thinks he is turning his life around, becoming honest, going to change, become a great dad, all the shit I have heard over the past 14 years and stopped believing a long time ago.

So the whole being a better dad thing lasted a month....yesterda he emails me to get me to tell dd he is back with the GF (basically he has nowhere to stay and she is convenient) and that he knows DD will be upset, but that is just the way it is.

Initially I emailed him back in a big rant and told him to fuck off out of DD's life and do us all a favour, but then hours later he turned up at my door.

So for a full hour I shouted, ranted, swore and cried....told him he had effected my whole adult life and that it stopped now, I was putting up with no more and was not putting DD through anything else. It will effect her enough if he goes to prison (although I obviously wont tell her, but he will disappear for a considerable amount of time) that I am also not putting her through the upset of being subjected to the upset and gameplaying shite of this woman.

I told XP to pick DD or the GF. He said he was not willing to walk away, so I said I wanted DD just to have a calm settled life and for him to stop throwing stuff at her to deal with. I said if he continued to see this woman that DD knew nothing about it, she wasn't to have contact with her, hear about her or see her. When XP has dd he will stay at his mum's house.

I said for one year he has to prove to DD he is going to be a better dad, to not mess up her bday and xmas this year and to have the whole of next year calm with no problems. If he could do that and prove he was serious then he could do what he wanted. One foot wrong and he was to walk away and that was it.

I have given him so many chances and so much leeway over the years, I don't know if I am being a fool to give him one more.

But at the end of the day DD loves him and i think would be devestated to not see him, but I can't go on living the way things have been.

Obviously I still have to get through the possibility of him going to prison and disappearing over her birthday/xmas and beyond....which may change how I am feeling.

So sorry this is long, and also very rushed, just really after some opinions....

Thanks.

colditz Thu 27-Aug-09 14:32:04

YANBU.

Cocksucker.

MmeLindt Thu 27-Aug-09 14:34:39

YANBU

He has to put his DD first for once

isthistherightthing Thu 27-Aug-09 14:45:04

Thanks both, totally agree that he is a cocksucker, and also that he has to put DD first for a change.

I honestly don't asking him to try to put her first and act like a proper father and try to give her a nice, calm life for a full year is too much to ask (obviously I would like it to be forever, but one step at a time wink)

njmomof1 Thu 27-Aug-09 14:47:28

YANBU at all. Your XP should want to do this to give your DD the happiest life possible. He should also have the forethought to stay the hell away from a complete idiot woman (and friends) that thinks it's ok to bully a child and reduce them to tears.

Maybe you are being foolish for giving extra chances, but what mother wouldn't when their DC wants that connection so badly? And at the end of the day until your DD is old enough to hear all of this and make up her own mind then you don't really have a choice anyway.

You've told him straight and he knows what he needs to do and if he doesn't he knows the consequences. And should they come, then I doubt he'll get very far with the past record he's got.

Well done you smile really hope it works out.

njmomof1 Thu 27-Aug-09 14:49:15

"And should they come, then I doubt he'll get very far with the past record he's got"

I meant if he pushed it down the contact/court route.

blush

tethersend Thu 27-Aug-09 15:08:11

I think it shows you are being a great mother- you recognise how important contact is to your dd, and you try to protect her from getting hurt. YANBU.

isthistherightthing Thu 27-Aug-09 15:28:50

Thanks, I was prepared to take a bit of a slating for this!

I do think contact with him is important, as long as he is acting like a reasonable person, as I just don't want DD being hurt again.

I agree that he should want that too, he did look suitably ashamed at times last night, so I do hope that some things have sunk in.

isthistherightthing Thu 27-Aug-09 16:30:45

Also meant to add, that if it did come to him taking me to court for access (which I doubt he would) but would his charges go against him?

I mean I know fraud is bad, but it's not like that would make him a danger to DD IYKWIM.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Thu 27-Aug-09 16:34:51

I am in two minds.

Your dd clearly loves her dad and wants a relationship and maybe she doesn't feel the same way, ie - not let down etc etc.

Talk to her. She is 6 so old enough to express her opinion.

isthistherightthing Thu 27-Aug-09 16:39:04

She is almost 9 now.

We have spoken about it loads, she does feel very let down by him, and she now expects to be let down and she doesn't trust him or have any faith in him at all.

But at the same time she is torn because she does love him.

But she has a lot of anger and she gets very upset about how he treats her ie being late to pick her up, promising her stuff that doesn't materialise and so on.

She has a good relationship with my DP and often says she wishes he was her dad, because he never lets her down and treats her well, considers her etc, but I know that she would be upset by not seeing her dad again.

But similarly I feel she is going to be continually let down by him and messed about and that can't be good for her long term either.

Overmydeadbody Thu 27-Aug-09 16:42:54

YANBU

What a complete utter bastard to even want to have a relationship with someone who is horrible to his daughter shock

Shows where his priorities lie hmm

Overmydeadbody Thu 27-Aug-09 16:44:21

I think you can reasonably tell him that his GF is not to have any contact with your DD, that he sees his daughter without the GF around.

I think that is fair enough.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Thu 27-Aug-09 16:49:16

I didn't realise she was 9.

I think she still needs to have a say but maybe he needs to hear it from her that he is on his last chance and he is to see her without the girlfriend.

isthistherightthing Thu 27-Aug-09 18:41:06

We have done the sit down talk where DD tries to tell him how she feels but it makes her too upset and I am just not going to put her through that to be honest.

I feel she has been upset too much in the past and it just has to stop now, last chance.

I also don't want DD to know about the GF at all, so I wouldn't even bring that up in front of her.

I've also said to make sure that no one else mentions the GF to DD, but to be fair, he is used to spinning a web of lies and having fake lives hmm so it should be pretty easy for him!!

njmomof1 Thu 27-Aug-09 18:54:25

Isthistherightthing - I would definately think his past and charges would go against him. They have to consider character when making decisions about contact and who he's involved with. And although I don't think they would necessarily decide no contact I do think his past would lead to major restrictions until he showeed improvements.

I also think that if it's getting to the point that DD is getting so upset is it worth you getting some legal advice about contact restrictions?

isthistherightthing Thu 27-Aug-09 20:36:00

Thanks, I have had legal advice in the past, actually concerning this GF, so I might look into that again. smile

isthistherightthing Fri 28-Aug-09 09:43:02

Have now spoken to a few people in RL about this, so I feel slightly more confident that I am doing the right thing....only time will tell I guess...

isthistherightthing Sat 29-Aug-09 20:28:07

Just a quick update to say that XP's sister phoned me today, basically to say that XP had told her what I had said and that she thinks I am totally doing the right thing and that she doesn't like the GF either and doesn't think it would be good for her to be around dd either.

She said her and her mum had spoken and that XP can stay at either of their houses on the weekends he has DD for the foreseeable future.

Also that if I ever need a baby sitter or a "weekend off" that both her and her mum would be happy to help out.

Considering that XP's family have ignored me for the last 4 years, they have really had a big turn around this year and are doing as much as they can for DD and I, so it is a big shock. I think they have just realised that he is a liar and has put us through hell and are trying to make up.

Obviously it is early days but I think it would be good for DD to have a relationship with that side of her family. smile

mathanxiety Sun 30-Aug-09 02:45:18

I think you are being too fair and nice to him. Your DD is being put through a lot because she keeps on hoping for better things. This is malignant optimism. What would be so horrible about a clean break from him, and 'adopting' your DP as her father figure. It might be miserable at first for her to have to see reality, but in the long run, clearing the air and moving on might be for the best.

diddl Sun 30-Aug-09 05:10:54

YANBU he doesn´t deserve to be in his daughter´s life, IMO.

lizziemun Sun 30-Aug-09 07:20:59

YANBU.

Perhaps what you said combined with what the court said about sentencing has finally brought home how much he has lost and now he has finally been honest with his family about his/GF behaviour and his gambling over the last few years.

lost4words Sun 30-Aug-09 08:00:38

isthistherightthing there are charities around that can help children your DD's age cope with separation/dad's messing about etc. I found my local one through the Mediation Service. It has helped support myself and DD through the shenanigans her dad has caused.

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