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to be devastatd that my husband of 18 years been on internet dating sites ?

(29 Posts)
traceyinrosso Wed 26-Aug-09 12:23:54

Help - I have discovered that my husband of 18 years has been on internet dating sites recently. When challenged he assures me he was only looking out of curiosity but I know he went on a few days ago to the same site so surely he didn't need to look again if he was just curious ??? We have also had arguments that he he has looked at readers wives type sites and once discovered pictures of other woman on the computer - I wouldn't mind so much if they were glamorous but they looked at least as old as me and just slappers (sorry feel ranting coming on ). Every time he assures me that he loves me and wouldn't still be with me if he didn't but don't know how much more I can take. Plus if I can stumble across stuff on the computer as a techno phobe what will our 3 kids find when being nosey ? Feel like my marriage falling apart - he says because not enough bedroom action ie its my fault but what with working part time, 3 kids and no practical help in the house I am permanently exhausted and don't want to do it with him when I think he is just comparing me to his internet woman. Help !!! Need advice - anyone else gone through the same ?

somewhathorrified Wed 26-Aug-09 12:31:38

OMG why do guys always use the same line...do they teach it them at school or something! Men don't look at porn/dating sites or anything else because of something you haven't done, they do it because they choose to. In the same way some women do.

traceyinrosso Wed 26-Aug-09 12:36:45

He always manages to make it feel like its me who has the problem - and yes perhaps I do to an extent but his actions don't add to my self esteem and how can you feel attracted to someone who you feel is constantly abusing your trust ?

FabBakerGirlIsBack Wed 26-Aug-09 12:38:51

YANBU and I think you would be better on relationships as you know you are NBU.

Spell is out to him in very simple language that him looking at other women, not helping in the house = no nookie for him.

He is a prat.

You need to tell him to stop it or he will be getting a new post code.

Overmydeadbody Wed 26-Aug-09 12:43:16

YANBU to be devastated.

But what help or advice are you looking for?

Isn't it obvious you need to leave this guy? He is abusing your trust and trying to manipulate you into thinking it is your fault.

You'd be better off alone.

Overmydeadbody Wed 26-Aug-09 12:45:32

Ok, so this is an ongoing thing isn't it?

He's never going to stop.

Your choices are to either:

1. Embrace it as part of your relationship he will rummage around the internet to wank off other women

or

2. Leave the bastard.

Malificence Wed 26-Aug-09 12:48:07

You have every right to feel utterly betrayed and hurt.
If he feels like he's not having enough sex with you then why hasn't he had an adult conversation with you to try and resolve things rather than act like a complete pig and go behind your back like this?
Exactly how does he think that using disgusting sites like those will encourage you to want sex with him?

What he has done is WRONG , plain and simple - even if he was just messing about on the dating sites it's still pretty vile behaviour.

People in the wrong always try and blame others for their own actions - I think you'd remember saying " it's alright darling - I'm totally knackered and sex is the last thing on my mind so you go ahead and look at slags on the net where our kids can all see what you've been doing".

He needs to man up and take responsibility for behaving so appallingly - if he can do that then you can work things out but if he won't even think he's in the wrong I'm not sure you have much hope.
In my eyes it's just as bad as an affair as he chose to go looking.

traceyinrosso Wed 26-Aug-09 12:52:26

I am not good at confrontation - probably why he feels he can get away with it ! Spent more nights than you can imagine lying in bed wondering what he is looking at downstairs on the computer then washing his undies the next day complete with evidence of his finding some amusement by himself. Some days I can't stand him then others I know I don't want to throw away our marriage and our kids would be devastated if we broke up - they are always telling us how they are just about the only ones in school whose parents haven't split up ! If I felt I could make it financially on my own I might threaten him with the door but he knows that having put my career on hold the last 14 years since having children I couldn't contnue providing for the kids how I want to meanwhile he would be fine with a good job and promotion on the horizon. God I sound so weak but that's just how I feel

traceyinrosso Wed 26-Aug-09 12:57:25

I have just bottled it all up for so long. Never felt like i could tell anyone - a lot of our friend's are mutual uni friends and whilst I feel I need to talk desparately to get it off my chest I always bottle out because don't want other people to think bad of him ! Now have said it I know it sounds bit ridiculous

somewhathorrified Wed 26-Aug-09 13:00:14

The only question you have to answer is do you still love him. If you want to be with him then there are ways around the internet thing, if you want to leave him, then this is as good a reason as any to do so.

GypsyMoth Wed 26-Aug-09 13:05:43

in my own experience,once they get a taste for this,the n it escalates. sorry,but i think your marriage has run its course here.

never mind about the kids......how do you think they will feel to discover this? and then to find out you only stayed to spare their feelings?! they wont thank you. at all.

traceyinrosso Wed 26-Aug-09 13:07:21

Think I do still love him but how many times do you let yourself be hurt before you say enough is enough ? The thing is if it was just me and him would probably have left before now but we have 3 kids and I can't destroy their lives - our 13 year old daughter is starting to pick up on things now like the inequalities in the house and how only her dad's opinion can be right and how mum gets very little say in things (daft things like I never get a look in at the TV ). Don't want her growing up to be a doormat.

traceyinrosso Wed 26-Aug-09 13:10:57

I think ILoveTIFFANY that you might be right about it escalating - he is always sending me texts asking me to send him naughty pics to his phone - not a chance when I know where they could end up ! He says thats daft they are just for him but frankly I just can't be sure.

Overmydeadbody Wed 26-Aug-09 13:12:02

You should only ever let yourself get hurt once before enough is enough.

What makes you think it won't destroy your children's lives for you to stay with a man you are not happy with? What kind of role model will you be if you are not true to yourself?

FabBakerGirlIsBack Wed 26-Aug-09 13:24:56

If you stay because your kids have few friends with divorced parents, they will feel guilty when they find out.

How can they learn about relationships when their father sets such an appalling example.

Have some self respect.

He is just one man in the world, there are plenty more out there who will treat you with the respect you deserve, or have some time alone and enjoy it.

Malificence Wed 26-Aug-09 13:29:53

It actually sounds far, far worse now - he sounds pretty grim tbh.
You need to find the strength to leave, you have the future of your children to consider, do you want them controlled and their personalities warped by this man?

You won't destroy their lives, he is doing that all by himself - you will be giving them a new and eventually, better life.
It will be hard but can it really be any more awful than the way things are now?
You think you are helping your children but you are really not, you are destroying yourself in the process too.

Get onto the Moneysaving expert forums, especially the family board and see how many women in similar situations have broken free and now have happy lives - it can be done and you would be doing more for your kids by leaving, honestly.

traceyinrosso Wed 26-Aug-09 13:40:42

Thanks everyone - I was thinking it was me that was a prude until recently - all men like a bit of eye candy etc but this feels horrible. Last night he assured me that he just wants me but can I understand that he has needs and that he feels I constantly reject his advances which is true to a large extent but feel like a commodity to meet his needs - which of my needs does he meet ??

Olifin Wed 26-Aug-09 13:51:28

I'm quite surprised at the reaction here, TBH. I think it is very normal for men (and women!) to look at porn, whether they are in a relationship or not. If there is not much sex going on between you (which is understandable given your circumstances) then he is obviously feeling frustrated (but Im not trying to place the blame at your door here, just looking at the facts) and finding other ways to get his kicks. Thank goodness he is using porn to do this and not actually shagging other women!

My OH likes a bit of porn now and then. If it involved animals or other weirdness then I'd be worried but it's just normal, run-of-the-mill stuff. He uses it more when we are having a 'dry patch' and I understand that. He uses it privately, in his own time, it doesn't interfere with his work or his relationships with me or the children, it has not 'escalated' in the 10 years we've been together.

I do have some reservations about porn re. women being exploited but a) that is not always the case and b) it is not my OH's fault! I wouldn't dream of telling my OH not to look at porn; he is a grown man and can make his own decisions. I don't control what he does.

Having said that, I wouldn't be happy about dating sites and would initiate more discussions about that.

I'm really surprised at the number of posters advising the OP to leave her OH! What about a bit more dialogue, some counselling etc? OP...I do understand how lack of sex can create tension between a couple, OH and I have been there many, many times. Sometimes it's me that doesn't want to, sometimes it's him. We try to keep communicating and that really helps.

Hope you can find a way through this.

traceyinrosso Wed 26-Aug-09 13:52:13

Sorry but got to go for now

Olifin Wed 26-Aug-09 13:55:43

God....just re-reading the thread...sorry, why is he a 'bastard' for doing what the vast majority of men do? Even if a man doesn't look at actual porn, you can bet he still secretly ogles other women and imagines them naked!

It is perfectly normal and reasonable for an adult in a relationship to imagine or think about sex with other people. It is just fantasy. I fear it is unrealistic to expect your partner to only ever have sexual thoughts about you! I certainly have saucy thoughts about other men. I don't spell it out to OH because I don't want to hurt his feelings but he knows I'm not whiter than white and vice versa! However, we both know that we are committed to each other and while window shopping is totally allowed, trying the goods is not!

traceyinrosso Wed 26-Aug-09 13:55:45

Thanks Olifin, I appreciate a different perspective. One of my main concerns is that my kids might stumble across his trail on the computer - I don't want them viewing that stuff on the computer .

Olifin Wed 26-Aug-09 13:58:49

traceyinrosso I see you've had to go but just wanted to add...if you feel OH is not meeting your needs then no wonder you are resentful. You need to talk to him about your needs and what he can do for you. (And then you might even feel more like being amorous; I know I do when OH is supporting me with the children and house stuff.)

Olifin Wed 26-Aug-09 14:00:39

Sure, that's understandable tracey. Maybe you can ask OH to take steps to safeguard the computer so that the DCs won't be able to follow the 'trail' as it were.

KiwiKat Wed 26-Aug-09 14:11:49

Looking at porn needn't be the end of the world - that's usually just having a quick fantasy. However, looking at a dating site is a completely different kettle of fish, as that brings people together in real life, which will enable him to have a real life sexual encounter. That planned deceit is what I believe to be the real betrayal.

I certainly wouldn't advise you to leave him for this, but I would make him realise that this is NOT on, and if happens again, it's a dealbreaker. And now he has to start the slow journey back to regaining your trust.

Malificence Wed 26-Aug-09 14:15:28

I'm sorry but men shouldn't use porn as a substitute for a sex life when they know their partner hates it, most women would feel completely degraded by this and feel that it shows a complete lack of respect for their feelings.

The dating sites are a bit odd don't you think? That's not "run of the mill" by any stretch of the imagination - these are real people looking for sex and getting into highly sexual conversations - it's cyber-infidelity.

Porn isn't harmless when it can be the catalyst for the destruction of a relationship.

Perhaps if he showed his wife more attention instead of the sleazy bints online, she would actually be attracted to him?

If I thought my husband was running off to the net for sexual relief every time I didn't want sex, it would probably put me off sex with him altogether - the fact that some women accept their partner's solo use of porn doesn't mean that the ones who don't are wrong.
My husband gets his sexual pleasure from me and only me - he has done for 25 years, if I thought that he sat wanking to online porn alone, I would be very upset.
If he wanted both of us to watch porn together, I would be open to it but we both find it funny rather than stimulating, the limited amount we have seen has been dire.

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