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to be f***** off with DH ...

(51 Posts)
TamTam29 Wed 26-Aug-09 07:55:11

DH gets up & goes to work 6-630ish

10 wk old Baby work up this morning at 630 after sleeping t5hrough the night for first time.

Got up to change & (BF) feed him but wipes were in front room, so plodded in to front room to get them and and got quite a shock instead!

DH sat at computer naked, porn on screen, tissues at hand!

Yes im worn out and our sex life has been non existant the last few months
(from having 2 under 2, BF has stolen my MOJO, we still havent done it yet as had mainly 2nd degree tearing & small area of 3rd degree so im still cautious - we nearly got there a couple of times but had no contreception & dont want to rely on BF as form of contraception, also have big body issues after carrying a 10 pound baby)
but is that any excuse for w**** over some cyberslut?

Or maybe im in the wrong here? Didnt think I was a prude maybe i am!

The thing that gets me is that we have always been able to talk quite openly about things so dunno if i am so angry because of his secrecy rather than the act itself?

Also he knows even less about computers than me but has managed to delete todays history of the computer! I used to know how to get it back but dont know what to do on vista (although why i need to look I dont know)

so am i being unreasonable here?

MagNacarta Wed 26-Aug-09 08:00:34

No, my love you are not being unreasonable to be upset by it, especially the way you stumbled upon him. Please don't start blaming yourself, lots of people take ages to get around to having sex again after having a baby.

However, I'm not anti-porn so the porn itself wouldn't have upset me, more the secrecy and the shock of seeing him like that. It sounds like you have a lovely relationship and perhaps he didn't say anything because he does understand why you're not up for it at the moment and didn't want to put any pressure on you.

What did he say when you found him?

MmeLindt Wed 26-Aug-09 08:04:32

YANBU to be upset by the secrecy.

I am not against porn so that would not bother me, but it is better to talk about it so that there are no misunderstandings about why he is looking at it.

You need to talk to him about it.

QuintessentialShadows Wed 26-Aug-09 08:07:39

The images on the screen were just aiding him in a rapid climax, nothing personal, as it meant nothing. (And lets not enter into the philosophical debate about porn)

It really means nothing. He wanted a quick release and used a visual aid.

I understand you are upset, but please let it go. Focus on baby, breastfeeding, and getting yourself back in health.

See if there are other things your dh can help with, so you can have a rest maybe, and start getting your mojo back.
Not wanting sex so early on after birth is normal. But his body has not gone through the same ordeal as your, so he is probably as keen on sex as before, and as you are at the moment not up for it, he helped himself.

CyradisTheSeer Wed 26-Aug-09 08:17:31

Message withdrawn

TamTam29 Wed 26-Aug-09 08:18:36

he didnt say anything -

I said "no wonder the computer had so many bloody viruses" and went back into bedroom to sort out DS2 before his crying woke up DS1

DH came into room dressed about 5 mins & asked if he could get me anything (but he usally asks me this if im awake at this time)

I said no, he gave me usual kiss & went!

Im not against porn either but not really into it myself & but im also not nieve enough to think that DH has never in the history of our relationship needed to w**k before.

just bloody annoyed about how I found him!

soopermum1 Wed 26-Aug-09 08:34:04

Wouldn't really be bothered about the porn or the secrecy, the two really go hand in hand. I can't imagine your DH would really feel happy about having to announce he's now off to look at some naked ladies on the internet and is going to have a w*

Not having a go and genuinely curious, how would you have preferred to have known?

BalloonSlayer Wed 26-Aug-09 08:36:05

I would be upset - not about the wank, or about the porn, but about him doing it where he could be walked-in-on. It's a private act, or should be.

Whatever happened to the good old-fashioned behind-the-locked-bathroom-door? << hooches up bosoms Les Dawson style and purses lips >>

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Wed 26-Aug-09 08:40:05

I would not be impressed to find DH this way. It's just so...undignified! Why can't he knock one out in the shower like normal men? Lol...

Seriously, I don't blame you for feeing anxious/flabby/unsexual since the birth of your baby, and hormones don't help with the confidence. However, masturbation is a release, that's all, and is also something that plenty of people with full, active sex lives do alongside that. So it's not about lack of sex, necessarily, and there is nothing wrong with it. As long as the porn was regular, nothing dodgy, I'd say let it go. Man was just having a wank, it's really not a reflection on you, and nothing to do with you. I don't feel the need to tell DH whenever I have one, nor he me, so I'm not sure why people are bothered by the 'secrecy' - is he supposed to come and say 'by the way darling, just FYI, I sometimes like to masturbate with the aid of pictures of pretty ladies' - why? isn't it a given?

Lizzylou Wed 26-Aug-09 08:47:17

Goodness, what a shock for you.

I agree with Quint though, it was a release for him, although he'd have been better off "seeing to himself" somewhere more private.

YOu have a lot on your plate, I had a 10lb+ baby 2nd time round as well and didn't feel like sex for ages, there's no shame in that. Try not to worry about this, it's no reflection on you whatsoever.

I would try and talk to him and maybe suggest that he tries the shower next time? wink

usedtobeme Wed 26-Aug-09 08:49:26

Sorry but lol at the 'no wonder the computer keeps getting so many bloody viruses' great ambigous line, well done for coming up with that one!!!

On a more serious note, i would be pissed off in your situation because at 10 weeks post natal your still very tired and hormonal and its not easy. I know i've been there 3 times with babies who never sleep thru until at least a year. I would just feel like i was muddling by and then feel that he has another agenda whereas sex was the last thing from my mind. BUT HE didn't give birth 10 weeks ago that is the reality. I wouldn't give him a hard time tho as he'll be embarrassed enough! And the actual porn and wank wouldn't bother me it'd be more the way i was feeling tbh.

Book yourself a massage and leave him with the kids, announce 'you've had your bit of relaxation, now i'm going to have some too' wink

Tillyscoutsmum Wed 26-Aug-09 08:53:22

YANBU to be upset. I'm another who doesn't have too much of an issue with porn but would be pissed off at the secrecy. I actually caught dh once (also not long after having a baby) - he had Top Gear on the tv though hmm

We had a good chat and he now makes sure its in private or in bed with me being involved a little bit (but not too much iyswim) smile blush

Congrats on your baby

skybright Wed 26-Aug-09 08:58:12

I think for me knowing that my OH sometimes watches porn is one thing,or if fact watching it with him but walking in tired and post natal would bring up loads of emotions that are probably not how i would normally handle it.

My view is that it is fine to watch porn,i don't think it has a reflection on your OH,i quite like porn on occasion without my OH and i would hope he did'nt think it was a slant on him.

I would hate for him to catch me vibrator in hand without the porn as well.

RealityIsNOTDetoxing Wed 26-Aug-09 09:00:10

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usedtobeme Wed 26-Aug-09 09:01:28

tilly lol at the little bit of involvement but not too much iyswim, ... At the ready with the box of tissues! grin

Tillyscoutsmum Wed 26-Aug-09 09:09:50

usedtobeme Oh no - the clean up operation his strictly his job. I'm normally asleep by then wink

mayorquimby Wed 26-Aug-09 11:34:48

i think yabu. as you say yourself your exhausted from the children and are not in the mood for sex. so he had a wank instead rather than heaping pressure onto you to have sex and upsetting you both.

mayorquimby Wed 26-Aug-09 11:45:32

"DP does quite often tell me that by the way he had a wank last night, just so I know. To which I always smile and say, thanks"

smile does he really? that's quite funny.
i can just imagine my gf's reaction if i just sauntered into the living room of an evening and proudly declared my act of self-love the night before. i can imagine it woul be eaxactly the same as yours. "eh...cheers for the update.but don't tell me in future."

gscrym Wed 26-Aug-09 11:46:13

I'm laughing at the one who had Top Gear on when having one. Clarkson, Mays, or Hammond? Was it possibly the Stig was his inspiration.

I agree these occasions should be done in the bathroom. Makes the clean up easier and no need for the box of tissues, thus saving money in these difficult times.

My DH thinks I'm oblivious to him doing it but I know where his stash is and what he gets up to when I'm on nightsgrin.

girlsyearapart Wed 26-Aug-09 11:49:56

Tilly- haha at the Top Gear. Think your DH was multi tasking- fave activity and fave programe all at same time!
Poor you OP it's not much fun to be up dealing with kids that early without seeing your DH having fun..
I wouldn't be upset at the porn more upset at doing it where he could be found. (How old is your eldest?)

Congrats on baby and hurray for the baby sleeping through- if that continues you may feel human enough to join in with dh yourself next time!

RealityIsNOTDetoxing Wed 26-Aug-09 11:55:55

Message withdrawn

PolarBear74 Wed 26-Aug-09 12:05:05

YANBU - I had a similar situation, had been out for the day with my Mother to return home to DH sat at computer with tissues at hand. Fortunately Mother was behind and I was able to shut door before embarassment was maximised!

Again I was more upset about catching him at it than the porn itself. Although I did feel a touch insecure for a while. We did talk about it after a while and he now doesn't tell me and to be honest I don't feel the need to know.

I think they should get back in the shower really to do it - much less mess!

mayorquimby Wed 26-Aug-09 12:26:47

aw no doing it in the shower isn't good. just feels weird.

cheesesarnie Wed 26-Aug-09 12:29:47


Malificence Wed 26-Aug-09 12:30:39

I'm ( one of the few?) that thinks it is completely unacceptable, I would hate to think my partner used porn secretly and to do that when you've had a baby and are feeling pretty crappy anyway is like a slap in the face.
Masturbating is perfectly normal, why couldn't he do it lying in bed next to you and touching you? At least he'd be thinking about you and not some random shaved and genitally bleached automaton faking exctasy.
Sitting alone in front of a screen watching other people whilst doing it is pretty sad imho.
I'm not totally anti-porn but I do think the fact that some men use it secretly is becoming a huge problem within relationships.
A lot of men really should be able to learn self control, they won't die if they don't relieve themselves! He should consider you feelings and the fact that you would love some intimacy too, why should he get his rocks off if you can't?
My husband masturbating wouldn't upset me, but if he did it thinking about someone else and watching other women, it most definitely would.
My hubby was uber horny last week but due to a very nasty, painful period I wasn't able to oblige, he managed to wait a few days till I was feeling better without selfishly "pleasing himself" - he knew I wanted sex just as much as him but simply wasn't physically able. I offered him a BJ but he said he'd rather wait. It was exactly the same when he had his vasectomy recently, we went 12 days "without" and I was like a bitch on heat but it would have been utterly selfish to give myself pleasure when he couldn't partake so I waited unitl he was ready, just like he's done many times for me.
Are most men really so selfish and inconsiderate? If they are I consider myself extremely lucky!

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