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to want to convince my friend not to have an abortion?

(65 Posts)
coveredinsnot Mon 24-Aug-09 22:59:32

Ok, so it's more complicated than the title. Scenario is this:

She is pregnant. It was a surprise. They have been together since January. It's his first ever 'proper' relationship in his life, even though he's in his 30s (very shy...), she's in early 30s, wants kids. He's decided now isn't the right time, as he wants more time just to experience life in a relationship. So, he's asked her to have an abortion.

I'm really not sure how strongly I should convey my thoughts that this would be a mistake. And I think it would be a disaster on so many levels. But it's his/their decision.

I'm not anti-abortion generally at all, but I do feel anti forcing a woman who wants to have kids to have an abortion just because you had an extended bachelorhood and want a bit more play time.


coveredinsnot Mon 24-Aug-09 23:00:17

my friend is the man in this situation by the way.

mayorquimby Mon 24-Aug-09 23:01:27

it's their decision. he's expressed his desire to not have a baby, now it's up to her to decide.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Mon 24-Aug-09 23:01:36

What does she think? Has she agreed? There is nothing wrong with giving your opinion gently as long as it's about her and not your own agenda, allow her to say how she feels, listen to her, and respect her choice.

itsmeolord Mon 24-Aug-09 23:01:46

It's not up to you to convey your thoughts on way or the other.
The woman is an adult and can make her own choices, my dd's father tried to force me to have an abortion, I chose not too.

Chunkamatic Mon 24-Aug-09 23:01:48

You haven't said what her feelings are though? OK she wants kids at some point, but with someone who dosen't, so potentially on her own, is different.

My initial reaction is that you should be supportive, not so judgemental.

Alambil Mon 24-Aug-09 23:02:34

he should have thought about it a bit longer before playing with fire perhaps!

they need to talk...

MaureenMLove Mon 24-Aug-09 23:02:37

I think, if she is a good friend and you are a good friend, you should keep any thoughts you have to yourself and just let her talk. I mean that in the nicest possible way, of course! I just think this is such a huge thing, if she decides to do something because you've 'convinced' her, as you say, and it all goes horribly wrong, it'll be on your head.

Listen, support, nod and sympathise in the right places, but don't convince her either way. smile

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Mon 24-Aug-09 23:03:01

Oh. In that case it's different. Maybe you need to impress on him a woman's potential emotional attachment to a pregnancy, even an unplanned one, and how it might fuck her up if he convinces her to do this and break up their relationship. And talk to him about what he is scared of.

AnyFucker Mon 24-Aug-09 23:03:04

stay out of it would be my advice

MaureenMLove Mon 24-Aug-09 23:03:39

OK, so HE is the friend, but the same advice goes for both parties, I think.

AvadaKedavra Mon 24-Aug-09 23:04:44


It's upto them/her.

supersalstrawberry Mon 24-Aug-09 23:05:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

kitesarefun Mon 24-Aug-09 23:06:16

Yep it's absolutely none of your business, so unless they ASK you what your opinion is, stay out of it.

beanieb Mon 24-Aug-09 23:07:20

As you don't really know what her feelings are on the situation, and as you weren't there when they had the conversation I don't think it would be fair of you to persuade him either way. This is between the two of them.

He's perhaps come to you for advice? Are you really qualified to advise him or would it just be better to suport him in whatever he chooses.

Has he told you how she feels?

thesecondcoming Mon 24-Aug-09 23:08:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

raffyandted Mon 24-Aug-09 23:10:11

I don't necessarily think you should convey your thoughts. Not unless you are asked for them first, that is. If your frind asks for advice or your opinion then by all means 'tactfully' say what you think.

preciouslillywhite Mon 24-Aug-09 23:12:14

I had a similar one to this- ie a gf in the same position with a younger, self styled "free spirit"of a twat bf.I felt ve-eeeeery strongly that she should have the baby- luckily I kept this gut instinct where it belonged -ie in my guts and she went on to have the abortion.

Three months later he had free spirited off.

Keep schtum is my suggestion

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 24-Aug-09 23:12:20

YABU. It's none of your business.

Speaking as someone who has had an abortion, it's a bloody awful thing to go through and the last thing she needs is some interfering (sorry but you are) person coming along and telling her they think it's a bad idea.

If you must make your feelings known, then perhaps you should talk to your friend (the man) seeing as he is the one who's opinion you disagree with.

Apologies for the rant, but you have rather touched a nerve!

MsHighwater Mon 24-Aug-09 23:12:45

In your shoes, I think I might seek to point out to my friend that if he seeks to persuade his gf to terminate a pregnancy when she actually does want children at some time might very well be the killing blow for the relationship anyway. The very fact that he has asked her this could be enough even if, in the end, they decide to go ahead with the pregnancy.

I am also not anti-abortion in principle but I would be extremely uncomfortable about anyone choosing to terminate in these circumstances.

lilacpink Mon 24-Aug-09 23:16:01

Perhaps he doubts both of their abilities to parent a child at this moment in time. I would listen, and offer my point-of-view if asked, but would be clear that it is my POV, and that I would support their decision.

AvadaKedavra Mon 24-Aug-09 23:23:48

Thank you Alibaba for saying what I wanted to, for same reasons, but deleted.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Mon 24-Aug-09 23:26:28

Avada -

thesecondcoming Mon 24-Aug-09 23:29:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WickedWitchSouthWest Mon 24-Aug-09 23:31:26

I'd keep well out of it. Offer support and friendship throughout but I'd be keeping my opinions to myself - ppl have family to comment on their relationships, not friends!Like lilacpink says, offer your pov if it's asked for only but be prepared to support his decision either way.

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