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to want to sod the lot of them and move on? (sorry long but needs it!)

(12 Posts)
sweethoney Mon 24-Aug-09 20:56:16

Right here we go..
Don't have any relationship with my dad (haven't seen him in 4 years), he was pretty rubbish growing up and never supported me in anything I did and made me feel miserable many many times. Amongst other things he has done:
No interest in me or my life
Didn't reply to my wedding invitation let alone walk me down the aisle.
Never remembers my 3dc at Christmas or birthday (his only GC)
He has never even met my two youngest dc (until last week)
Never financially supported or visited me at university
The list could go on and on..

All the above is hurtful enough, but in contrast he dotes on my younger sister who he financially supported at uni/law school, pays her rent, visits her/telephones her, buying her a car, he even went to visit her in Oz for 6 weeks when she was travelling, takes her places etc

Despite all the hurt, over the years I have tried to contact him and try to build a bridge, but he has never replied. I have tried to move on and accept it, but I have simply got used to it.

My sister has refused to get involved and wants nothing to do with it, yet she is often insensitive and talks freely about dad visiting her, spending money on her and everything he does. I don't think she does it maliciously, but surely it is reasonable to expect her to be more thoughtful. She accepts that my dad is unfair, but refuses to get involved or tell him how unfair he has been towards me and she has tried to keep the two issues separate. I have accepted this even though I have often felt disappointed that she hasn't been able to say to our dad that his treatment of me has been awful.

Anyway they were going away last week to visit relatives and on the way my sister wanted to drop something off at my house. I was at work and my 3dc were at my house with my MIL. So to cut a long story short, she brought my dad to my home where my 3dc (2 of which he has never met) were there. They just turned up and ended up having coffee in my house with my 3DC. Both me and DH were unaware and at work!
I was very upset at this intrusion in my home. My sister and I had words about it and I explained how hurt I was with everything. I mentioned that DC1 was spending a week with my mom and that despite everything DC1 could see my dad (they are divorced) if my sister could say to our dad to remember the DGC on their bdays and xmas. She flipped and said she wasn't getting involved and wouldn't say it and she couldn't cope anymore!!!

I have basically had enough of my family, their lack of thought and sensitivity. Am I unreasonable just to forget them all and move on and put all my energy into my lovely DH and 3DC? It has gone on too long now and I can't take much more!

Fluffypoms Mon 24-Aug-09 21:05:18

bluejellybean Mon 24-Aug-09 21:07:02

Whats gone on in the past to get you here sweethoney, really feel for you

skidoodle Mon 24-Aug-09 21:15:50

She got involved when she brought your estranged father around to your home uninvited and introduced him to two of your children without your knowledge.

She sounds like a self-serving bitch and I think it would be perfectly reasonable to cut her off. Your dad is a dead loss. Don't waste your time.

sweetkitty Mon 24-Aug-09 21:15:58

I kind of know what this feels like, I have a Mother like your Father, dotes on my brother, toxic to me.

In the end I did say sod it, I got to the stage I was fed up trying to invite her up to see her GCs and stopped phoning or making an effort whatsoever, she hasn't seen the DDs since before Christmas.

I got a not in with my birthday card shock she sent me one, saying I'm sorry you feel it is my fault, don't hold a grudge, phone me when you get this, this is typical her, now she is all wounded that I think she is at fault, I wrote her a letter telling her why exactly I make no effort with her and it's her that's missing out not me, nothing will change though I have come to realise leopards don't change their spots and am focusing on DP and my DDs now.

sweethoney Mon 24-Aug-09 21:24:34

Nothing has gone on, I really wish it had as it would make things so much easier for me to understand. My dad is a v difficult person and was v much a mental bully in a passive aggressive way when we were growing up. He was a naff dad, never went on holiday, never watched us open our xmas presents etc.
My mom finally left him and I used to go and see him. About 4 years ago my DH were moving to Oz for a year and I asked him for a small favour the day before we went (to borrow his car for a few hours) as he was visiting my sister who lives 5 mins from me. He said he would have to see as he wasn't sure if my sis needed him to take her anywhere! I was so upset, stressed (4 months pregnant) and was moving to oz the next day. He came round and I said how upset I was and he just walked out. We haven't spoken since, I went to Oz had a baby out there, came back to the UK, got married (invited him no response) and had another DC. No contact from him. Got used to it moved on.
But my DS who i am/was close to has so disappointed me, she laps up the attention from dad, insensitive to my feelings, brings him to my house behind my back after 4 years(she apologised), but then says it has nothing to do with her and its not her issue and nor will she mediate or say anything to him.
Do I just drop the both of them (we ll mt dad has dropped me anyway!), but my DS am AIBU to have expected her to stand up for me re my dad? I find it v difficult to accept that she can't do that for me or my DC.
Please tell me as I think I am going all this normal in families?

SE22 Mon 24-Aug-09 21:27:39

I think she has been thoughtless and you have every right to be furious. I would be.
I don't know the history but I would say trust your judgment and do whatever feels right as you are the one dealing with all that anger everytime you are let down.

shaninemb Mon 24-Aug-09 21:29:36

OOOOO I think your sister might feel bad, but only when you talk about it, which is why she says she can't cope. What she can't cope with is feeling bad, as for your dad, forget him. It will just eat you up and consume you if you try to analyse it. I would either just never bother with them again, or write to explain why if yoy feel the need. Also you should feel so proud of yourself, everthing you have is through your own hard work. You sound increadably resiliant and resourceful , I really don't think you need them. Enjoy the family you have now, it sound like they make you happy!!!!!

JackBauer Mon 24-Aug-09 21:32:57

Wow, that sounds awfully familiar! (well the first bit anyway)
I haven't spoken to my father for about 6 years now but 2 of my siblings still do ona regular basis.
I have said to them to plesae not discuss him with me or mention him as I do not want to know. As far as I am concerned he is the parent and if he wants to fix things it is up to him to make the first move.
So YANBU, tell her in no uncertain terms that if she is unwilling to talk to him on your behalf then you need the same in return from her, no mention, no visits.

And I would be spitting angry if either of them brought my father to my house.

lisbey Mon 24-Aug-09 21:37:19

Was your dad a dead loss to your sis when you were growing up too?

If so, maybe she's scared that if she sticks up for you, she'll lose the relationship she now has with Dad?

Has your mum ever been able to suggest why Dad shows such favouritism?

sweethoney Mon 24-Aug-09 21:57:34

Dad was a much better father to my DS (6 years younger). He was rubbish to all of us until DS turned 10ish and she took up sport which he is interested in. From then on he spent time, money etc on her. She is now 25 and I am 31.

I feel sad around my sister, she reminds me of the dad I would have liked. I don't really want him as dad as he has let me down and will never be the dad I want. I just find it hard to be around her and be close to her when she has never stuck up for me. You are right lisbey, I think she thinks she will lose her relationship with dad if she sticks up for me (and all the cash he gives her!).

My mom tries to ignore it (she hates confrontation) and would rather pretend all is ok (they are divorced). But this frustrates me too as I feel I have no family support.

I can forget my dad, but should I ditch my sis. I have a lovely DH, great DC and am so happy and lucky in every other area of life.

I really appreciate your comments, as I am normally the person people turn to for advice.

mamas12 Mon 24-Aug-09 23:49:47

I feel you need to tell or write down how hurt and upset you are and give your exact point of view to your sister. and leave it in her hands.
No need to rant and rave but say it calmly and in a dignified manner how you have been sensitive to her needs all along and you need her to do the same to you now.

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