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AIBU?

I suspect I am but am still pissed off...

21 replies

TheArmadillo · 24/08/2009 15:49

Ds is the youngest in my family. He is the only grandchild for both sets of grandparents. So he does get spoilt quite a bit by them.

MIL often buys him stuff if she sees things he would like - nothing big, but stuff like a comic or sticker book. Once a week she takes him to McDs and he gets a toy. I don't mind this. It is nice she is so fond of her grandson. She is also very generous at christmas/birthdays to all of us. Again this is very nice of her and taken in the spirit it was intended. She is a lovely woman and we get on well.

But I am sick of my house being filled up with crap by MY side of the family. Hey someone clearing out their junk? Dump it all on me. Clearly I don't mind Clothes, toys etc. I don't ask for this and I don't want it. Noone asks me if I would like it. It's stuff that we have no need for, ds doesn't play with any of it and I have no place to store it.

I have just cleared out ds room and most of it was stuff he had been given. There are 3 black sacks of it - I haven't even started on downstairs. I cleared it out in december so gives you an idea of how much stuff we get.

My mum I suspect encourages it She encourages her friends to give me the contents of their attics (bearing in mind the kids are my age or older). She also got very angry when I was pregnant if ds was brought anything new. Everything he had was handed down - some of it 20 or 30 years old. It wasn't all in particularly good condition. Also some of them want it back or want me to sell it for them (yeah cos I have the time to put in that much effort and energy) and I'm can't remember whose it whose. or they tell you they want it back after you have got rid of it.

I want ds to have stuff he likes - not stuff he gets given cos no one can be bothered to take it to the charity shop. We don't have a car so it is a real pain to get rid of it. It is sometimes lovely when people give us stuff - like dp's mate gave us a bike that his ds had grown out of.

It's not about new stuff versus old so much as feeling like we are everyones dumping ground (broken incomplete toys that ds has no interest in). Especially when my family criticises the state of my house and how cluttered it is

When we moved I cleared everything out, ruthlessly. But our new house is already beginning to clutter up again. I don't know how to stop it. I can't really turn around to people when they have brought it a long way and say 'sorry but I don't want your junk'.

It was really pissing me off today when I was clearing out ds stuff. he has way too much most of which he has never touched that we never wanted in the first place.

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BitOfFun · 24/08/2009 15:51

You have to say to your mum though- she shouldn't be encouraging it.

belgo · 24/08/2009 15:53

I understand, my house is also a dumping ground for rubbish, especially as there are no charity shops in my town and getting rubbish collected is expensive. You have to be very strong and refuse to have any of it in the house. And then of course the giver will get offended and interrogate you on exactly why you don't want it .

TheArmadillo · 24/08/2009 16:00

You're right I should.

It's just she will get pissed off and the whole family will think I'm an ungrateful bitch. (cos only immoral wastrels buy new stuff)

I have mostly managed to stop the clothes (at least from my mum). A couple of months ago I realised that ds was finally wearing clothes I had chosen and looked like 'my' son (for lack of a better term) - ds is 4yo. Probably didn't explain very well.

But when he was born the only new things he had was a snow suit, a toy (that my mum was angry that we 'wasted our money on') and cot mattress.

I suppose it's a territory/boundary thing and I'm getting annoyed at the people doing it rather than my mum for encouraging them adn creating the situation.

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cocolepew · 24/08/2009 16:01

Tell your mum to stop, or throw it straight in the bin.

TheArmadillo · 24/08/2009 16:02

Thanks belgo -that's what I'm worried about happening but it'll probably be better than me seething quietly.

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cocolepew · 24/08/2009 16:04

Tell them say "sorry I've no room," then close the door, bolt it and draw the curtains until they've gone .

Flibbertyjibbet · 24/08/2009 16:04

How about, next time you get given something, you say

'thankyou, we already have everything we need for us/ds/house already, but I'll have a look through and if there's anything we don't need shall I give it you back or should I just take it to the charity shop?'

Worked a treat for us - if they decide later on they want it back, say 'but I did ask you what to do with the items I didn't need and you said ok to pass it on to someone else'

For the ones who ask you to sell stuff for them:
'oh I can't do that, the Inland Revenue have inspectors all over ebay these days and if you sell for someone else its classed as trading and I'll have to pay tax on it and everything. So I'd really rather not thanks!'
Tell people to take stuff to your mums as you have nowhere to sort/check/store the stuff. That should stop her saying you'll have all their tat!

Try checking websites for british Heart FOudation or barnados, Age Concern in my area definitely has a little van that goes around collecting stuff. So bag it all up, get some charity phone numbers, and get rid. Then get tough with the people who keep giving it.

beanieb · 24/08/2009 16:04

just say 'NO!'

As soon as I got my first house I had all sorts of crap landing on my doorstep. I still have a lot of it but am now in a smaller home so I just have to say no all the time!

rookiemater · 24/08/2009 16:05

YANBU unfortunately you will have to say something to her. Perhaps remark that you had to clear out 3 bin bags of stuff and you are so glad that DS has room to play with the toys he wants.

I do get you re the clothes as well. Its not so bad when they are younger and get through loads of stuff but once they are a bit older it's nice to be able to pick things for them. My mum, bless her, tends to buy lots of cheap things in the sales for DS. I don't mind but a lot of it isn't great quality and I'd rather spend the money on one or two nice things that last, but wouldn't have the heart to say anything.

HumphreyCobbler · 24/08/2009 16:06

practise saying "No thank you, I don't need it".

I found it useful as I hate seeming rude and would accept useless junk rather than give offense, it drove dh mad.

SoupDragon · 24/08/2009 16:08

Just say no. Be polite but just say no.

TheArmadillo · 24/08/2009 16:16

I think I will have to grow some balls and say thanks but no thanks.

Nice to know IANBU though.

Hey my family's opinion of me can't sink much lower so I;m pretty much on a winner.

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kitbit · 24/08/2009 16:19

Can you do swaps? Gaily trill "in this house it's a one-in-one-out policy!" and have little bags of junk ready by the door so that when someone gives you some crap you can return the favour... "oh THANK you, ds will LOVE this panda with one eye/pointy stick/single piece of grubby lego/large plastic thing, DO let me give you a little something to say thank you, you've been SO kind we REALLY must give you this...."

LuvLee · 24/08/2009 16:23

Seriously, how hard is it to say NO? Failing the assertive route, do you have a shed you can chuck the junk in?!

TheArmadillo · 24/08/2009 16:24

lol kitbit I love that idea.

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kitbit · 24/08/2009 16:27

I always find that behaving in a manner slightly unhinged gets good results, no matter what the problem!!

TheArmadillo · 24/08/2009 16:28

I should try that more often.

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deepbreath · 24/08/2009 16:58

YANBU. We have the same here, especially since I lost my job. People turn up with bin bags full of toys that are broken or have pieces missing. One that came here had looked at the current prices that the toys sold for in Argos, and told me how much the toys would cost if I'd had to buy them

My sil made it clear to everyone when she had her ds that second hand things wouldn't be welcome, and I thought she was being a bit of a snob. I was only going on the kind of thing that I would offer to anyone though!

gingerbunny · 24/08/2009 17:08

you have to start saying thanks but no thanks. hopefully they'll be offended by it and won't offer again!

LadyStealthPolarBear · 24/08/2009 17:09

yanbu and the worst thing is that you feel ungrateful in some way. It's lovely if people genuinely pass on things they have considered that you will use (or even better asked first) but you're being used as a guilt-free (for them) flytipping ground.

TheArmadillo · 24/08/2009 17:43

I am definately going to say no more then.

Just have downstairs to clear out now - will remember this when I next get offered stuff.

I do feel guilty though when they seem to do it with at least partially good intentions. I just don't want it.

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