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what? banned from funeral?

(16 Posts)
stressedout29 Mon 24-Aug-09 14:15:24

Hi 1st post registered a few years ago but haven't been on in a while.

Basically both my in-laws were terminally ill and it was up to my husband to oversee their care and naturally we had to be with them and we wanted to be. Out new baby brightened their day and in the later stages he was the only person the recognised.

My Mum is very volatile she grew up on a rough estate and was always fighting swearing getting arrested and drinking. She became jealous of the time spent with the in-laws despite the situation and started drinking and became aggressive and threatening – calling up early in the morning making threats. I let her sober up and calm down but she disowned me 2 years agobut still rings up drunk about once a month so I feel for my family it is best she is out of my life.

My Granddad is a saint – as my mum had me at 15(father unknown) he is the closest thing to a parent I have ever had and spends a lot of time with me and my son we see him most days – i love his so much. However now he is 80 my mum is helping him get his affairs in order and he has told me that my mum thinks if anything happens to him I should not attend his funeral due to the situation with my mum but if I apologise and make up with her it’s ok if I go.

It breaks my heart.

I can’t have such a violent aggressive abusive person in my son’s life but he doesn’t see that he just wants everyone to get on. My son has no grandparents he sees now as my dad is unknown and the in-laws have passed away and he says I should make it up with her. To be barred from his funeral as he is the closest thing to a parent I have if tearing me apart even though I know it was her idea.

Any advice anyone please?

PeedOffWithNits Mon 24-Aug-09 14:19:59

how well do your mum and your grandad get on? sounds like she should be the one to stay away, not you. have you asked your grandad what HE thinks

very sad for you though.

mosschops30 Mon 24-Aug-09 14:20:01

Why is he telling you this? Did he say he agreed with her view that you shouldnt attend his funeral? Does he want you there?

Its a very personal thing, funerals IMHO are overated and are not the be all and end all. You can still show respect and love for your gf without going to his funeral and having problems with your mother. But you may feel that you need to go to pay your final respects.

I wouldnt be manipulated into forgiving her or making amends so that she 'agrees' to your attendance at the funeral. Its not her funeral and she should respect your gf's wishes whatever they may be

pinkthechaffinch Mon 24-Aug-09 14:21:31

So presumably your Granddad wants you at his funeral. I think you should reassure him that you will attend, after all it's not up to your mum, without making any false promises to your grandad.
Does he understand why you don't get on with your mum?

katiestar Mon 24-Aug-09 14:21:44

he won't really be in a position to stop you going will he?

kitbit Mon 24-Aug-09 14:27:09

Stick to your guns and don't give in to blackmail. You're right to trust your instincts, and when it comes down to it if there really will be world war 3 if you try to go to the funeral, then you may just have to say goodbye in your own way. Holding on for just one day in the future is no reason to compromise your happiness now, and your grandfather would not wish you to.

But it may mean you miss the funeral if your mum is taking control of it. If it were me I would be upset, but would make sure I spent as much time with my grandfather now that he's here, and say goodbye in my own way when he sadly goes.

HecatesTwopenceworth Mon 24-Aug-09 14:28:02

don't allow yourself to be manipulated.

I think, if I was in this situation, I'd sit down with him and say "If you don't want me at your funeral I will respect your wishes. But you need to understand that my mother has done too much to me for me to ever allow her back into my life. That's non-negotiable. It will never happen, even if the consequence of that is that you don't want to continue to see me. If you want me out of your life because of that, I'll be sad of course, but that's your choice. You just tell me what it's to be."

fwiw, I think your mother is manipulating him. Tell me, is he a wealthy man? Does she have her eyes on the prize, so to speak? That would be worth her trying to separate you from your grandad, wouldn't it?

letsgostrawberrypicking Mon 24-Aug-09 14:32:46

Dont let her carry on dictating other people's lives. Is your grandad ill? If not he could live on for another 10/15 years - does he think she should be allowed to manipulate you for that long? He sounds a lovely man trying to toe a line unfairly set by his daughter

GoldenSnitch Mon 24-Aug-09 14:43:42

My Father decided that I wasn't allowed at my Grandma's funeral when she died.

My Father was/is an abusive person and had physically and mentally abused me for the whole of my childhood. I cut ties with him and he tried to find ways to punish me for it.

I was never given any sort of 'make friends or be barred' ultimatum but I wouldn't have given into one anyway.

Maybe visiting the grave afterwards and taking flowers would be nicer than potentially creating a scene at your Grandfathers (eventual, and hopefully a long way off) funeral anyway?

magicOC Mon 24-Aug-09 15:15:31

Completely understand why you dont want to make up with her.

Could you possibly "lie" to your grandfather and without making any real promises, say you will try your best?

The poor man sounds like he is stuck in the middle and not getting any younger either, it's probably tearing him apart seeing you hurt like this.

As someone else said, there is nothing your mum can do to stop you turning up, may try to keep arrangements private tho so you would have to rely on someone else getting the message to you (undertaker or friend for example).

Hope things will be ok for you

stressedout29 Mon 24-Aug-09 16:04:02

Yes he understands but every few months forgets as he has dememtia and it becomes very painful to go over it all the time.

thank you for you message x

stressedout29 Mon 24-Aug-09 16:11:02

Thanks for your messages everyone - it helps as to think someone can see it from my side as due to his age and love for his daughter even though he has admitted she is aggressive and voilent he says "but shes my daughter"

he isn't wealthy i don't think that is the motavation what money he had he signed over to her 10 years ago for "safe keeping".

The way she is drinking and living even though he is 80 he may live longer.

I think as suggested i will ask him if it's his wishes that i stay away i will respect that but make sure he knows how much I love him and i hope that it is at least another 20 years before we need to worry about this anyway.

Thanks for all your messages they have made me feel much better on a difficult day when i am on my own x


stressedout29 Mon 24-Aug-09 16:20:08

ps: GoldenSnitch

my situation seems so simlar to yours thanks for your advice

hope you made peace with it all

GoldenSnitch Mon 24-Aug-09 16:35:20

It was a fair few years ago now stressed and I think I have come to terms with it all. It was hard at the time but I think it helped that Grandma's mind left long before her body died and I could be pretty sure that it was my fathers pettiness that meant I couldn't attend the Funeral not her wishes.

I retrospect, I wish I could have spoken to her and known for sure how she felt - like you're going to be able to do with your Grandad - but it wasn't to be.

I hope you get to spend many years affirming your relationship with your Grandad before he goes, so whatever happens with regards to his funeral, you'll know for sure that he knew that you loved him

pigletmania Mon 24-Aug-09 16:40:55

I am so sorry about your mums dreadful behaviour. Of course you will be at his funeral, it is his decision not hers she has no say in it what so ever. I dont blame you not wanting her to be a part of your sons life.

Flibbertyjibbet Mon 24-Aug-09 16:47:49

I read the situation as:
mum falls out with daughter.
grandad putting his affairs in order, brings up subject of funeral arrangements.
mum says 'oh well stressedout29 won't be coming to the funeral unless I get an apology'

not that grandad is saying you can't come to the funeral.

Its all a lot in the future at the moment, if in his lucid moments you find yourself keep explaining to grandad why you fell out with your mum, then surely he will be confused when talking to your mother as well? The important person here is grandad, I would just tell him that everything is ok and that of course you will be at the funeral. No need to go burdening him with whatever has gone on between you and your mum.

Then if and when the funeral happens, you just go. Other relatives will be there too and hopefully your mum would not make a scene..... (remembers dps grandads funeral where pil was set upon by mils brothers and a chavvy scrap ensued, while the next funeral party were all standing there waiting to come in the chapel shockshock)

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