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to want to scream 'i'm sorry but it's not my bloody fault' at this woman

(41 Posts)
Harimosmummy Mon 24-Aug-09 13:40:53

OK, maybe I am... but I have a 3week old baby and am feeling a little hormonal myself.. .so please be gentle with me.

I have two children - a 14 month old DS and a 3week old DD. I took the two of them to a photo session this morning and got talking to a woman there.

I told her that neither child was planned and that the small age gap was luck rather than judgement...

So she launches into a TIRADE about how unplanned pregnancies make her so mad, as she's had 2 miscarriages and desperately wants a child and how it's so shit that parents (aka: ME hmm) just got to have children without trying.

Honestly, I was pretty much in tears by the end of it. No, my children weren't planned, but they were very much wanted and are adored by both me, DH and my DSDs.

I appreciate that going through a miscarriage must be horrid (I won't and didn't try to say I understood, because I don't think it's possible until you've lived through it and I wouldn't want to negate or somehow belittle that) but FFS, it's NOT MY FAULT that it happened...

At one point, she was ranting on about 1 in 5 pregnancies end in miscarriage, as though it should have happened to me instead of her hmm or that if something had happened to my children, it wouldn't have happened to hers.

Thankfully, we got called in then and she was gone when we came out.........

I honestly felt like reporting her but didn't... because I didn't want to get her into trouble when what she probably needed was a friendly ear... But now I'm home, I'm fuming - because she didn't give two hoots about how I might be feeling or how her stupid ranting might have affected me....

Lifeinagoldfishbowl Mon 24-Aug-09 13:42:23

YANBU and it's not your fault

madameDefarge Mon 24-Aug-09 13:42:52

Oh my, she really lost the plot, didn't she?

YANBU at all to be upset....

did she work there?

Katisha Mon 24-Aug-09 13:43:58

If she was working there she may be in the wrong job...

McDreamy Mon 24-Aug-09 13:44:10

Did she work there?

ThePregnantPhantomPlopper Mon 24-Aug-09 13:45:13

YANBU. Her miscarriages are a very sad thing, but it wasn't fair to go off on one at you.

I would try and forget it, her miscarriages have clearly affected her badly.

jybay Mon 24-Aug-09 13:45:24

Bloody hell, that was utterly inappropriate. YANBU at all.

Maybe you should have a quiet word with her manager? I understand not wanting to make a formal complaint - I'm sure she is going through a hard time. However a lot of a photographer's work must be small children so - if you don't say anything - she may do the same to many other unsuspecting mums!

fuzzywuzzy Mon 24-Aug-09 13:45:27

That sounds awful for you, I don't think the woman needed a friendly ear, I think she might need some sort of counselling.

I don't think you're unreasonable wanting to say it, just so long as you didn't I suppose.

And congrats on the new baby.

MrsBadger Mon 24-Aug-09 13:45:33

YANBU, just hormonal

but it does beg the question wtf were you telling about your family planning choices in the first place hmm

just smile and say 'oh they're 'ovely aren't they, I'm so lucky' in the future

famishedass Mon 24-Aug-09 13:45:51

Report her to who? The nasty person police?

Not much you can do and I can see why you were upset - FWIW I was in a supermarket queue with my 3 kids (a singleton and twins) - when the women behind me proceeded to rant about how irresponsible it was to have more than 2 children.

I agree, unplanned doesn't mean unwanted.

Let off steam here, then erase the whole episode from your memory and move on. Definately not worth it.

GypsyMoth Mon 24-Aug-09 13:46:40

not your fault....and i get it too,if its any consolation. i have 5 dc,and people still seem to think i should have had just the 'normal' 2.4!! i fell pregnant first time with all the 4 that were planned....first one wasn't. so what? i'm not 'lucky',its how our bodies are designed to work!!

MrsMattie Mon 24-Aug-09 13:47:08

I feel sorry for both of you. Poor woman's obviously feeling dreadful about things, for her to be ranting at strangers. However, taking it out on other people (especially very recently postnatal mothers) = not the best plan!

Most people are pretty good at keeping a lid on their negative emotions most of the time.

I've had a miscarriage and for a while afterwards I felt very bitter and sad around pregnant women. I didn't actually say anything about it, though. Likewise, I'm pretty sure a friend of mine with serious fertility problems has had times of despair and resentment at the fact that I have got pregnant three times in as many years with ease. She has always remained dignified about it, however.

The facade can slip sometimes, though. I'd let her off the hook this one time and acknowledge that you are lucky (and give your baby a big cuddle).

ZippysMum Mon 24-Aug-09 13:47:24


But she also probably had a good cry afterwards, so try not to feel too cross with her.

IME miscarriage / infertility stuff sends one a bit loopy.

McDreamy Mon 24-Aug-09 13:47:40

shock famishedass I think I would ahve had to say something to that person behind you..............hmm not sure what though!

MmeLindt Mon 24-Aug-09 13:47:55

YANBU to be upset.

Even if she had 2 m/c, that is no excuse for ranting at you.

I had 2 m/c before I had my DC and one after, but have never reacted like that. I might have thought "Oh, FFS" when seeing a pregnant 16yo, but I would never had said anything.

duchesse Mon 24-Aug-09 13:48:06

I think she must be suffering psychologically a lot. It's not your fault and she knows that, and will probably be mortified about her behaviour later. But then engaging you in conversation when you are blatantly fertile and she was feeling in that mood was probably a scab-picking exercise for her. She is clearly not in a good place at the moment. Just try to forget about it.

Harimosmummy Mon 24-Aug-09 13:48:46

mrsbadger - good point... i will simply smile sweetly in future....

yes, she worked there... i meant report her to the management.

MmeLindt Mon 24-Aug-09 13:50:18

Don't report her, put it behind you. She is probably feeling horrible about it now anyway.

minouminou Mon 24-Aug-09 13:51:57

Poor woman - and poor you.
Wrong place wrong time, maybe? She obviously needs some kind of help, so keep telling yourself wasn't really about you, ultimately.
If, as she hopefully will, she's got her baby, she won't bear one iota of a grudge or any anger against you any more.
She's in a bad place right now, and is lashing out.
And famished ass....what were you supposed to do with your twins? Selective reduction?
Hope you answered her back.

Harimosmummy Mon 24-Aug-09 13:52:17

mrsmattie - thankyou.

That post was lovely. You are right. I should simply look at the fact that I am lucky to have two children.

madameDefarge Mon 24-Aug-09 13:53:41

hm, I think it might be worth perhaps mentioning it. as another poster said, she is going drive business away with her attitude...And her employers have a right to know if any of their staff are being abusive to their customers, for whatever reason.

Or if you are feeling brave, you could call her yourself and explain why you were upset, and give her a chance to apologise. Though I know with a newborn its the last thing you need.

minouminou Mon 24-Aug-09 13:54:26

Just re-read that "If, as she" bit...I meant to say "when she's hot her baby, as she hopefully will have one one day....."
The dog is under my feet and distracting me!

minouminou Mon 24-Aug-09 13:55:13

Bloody nora....when she's GOT her baby!

CarmenSanDiego Mon 24-Aug-09 13:58:13

What a horrible thing for you to experience at 3 weeks postnatal when you're feeling really vulnerable.

She must be feeling horrendous to have lost the plot and ranted at a stranger, but yanbu... we have to live our own lives and make the best of them.

Whether or not your children were planned is absolutely nothing to do with her, has no effect on her fertility and takes nothing from her. It's very sad that she has gone through this, but not your fault.

We have to celebrate the good in our lives. Sadly, it's the way of the world that there will always be someone who is suffering in some way, but we can't let that stop us from enjoying our own happiness while it lasts.

simplesusan Mon 24-Aug-09 14:02:07

How the hell do people think that one persons fertility is in anyway related to anothers.

Stupid woman and no I do not have any sympathy for her at all. I would have liked another dc but the fact that I dont have what I want does not make me spout off at those who do.

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