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to be really annoyed at this!!

(39 Posts)
welshone51 Sun 23-Aug-09 17:03:22

Hi My son and his little friend ( both nearly 2) were playing yesterday evening during a get together amongst my friends and their children.
They appeared to be playing nicely just the two of them however they then had a minor disagreement over a toy car which just involved lots of loud babbling at each other- I then witnessed my sons friend bending down by his leg, I briefly turned around then all of a sudden my son screamed out and came running to me pointing to a large angry looking bite on his leg. I pointed this out to my friend ( mum of the child involved) who was sat near by and she immedietely looked at the bite and went to confront her daughter -she asked her daughter if she had bitten my son and her daughter said no- she then asked if anyone had seen her do it- I announced that I had as good as seen her do it and then she turned to her husband and said '' well what do I do shes denying it so I can't really punish her''and then in the next breath said that there was a really nasty bite mark on my sons leg that looked like it had just been done but she didnt feel she could tell her daughter off properly because she denyed doing it.
The bite mark on my sons leg has now turned into a nasty bruise.
I appreciate that all children have their rows and lash out especially as toddlers and bites often happen but I am just rather annoyed by the reaction of my friend who let her daughter get away with biting. She has bitten my son before but I am often told it s because my son was '' getting her in way' or ''annoying her''
I am not saying my son is perfect and as toddlers do he sometimes lashes out in frustration but is always reprimanded!
I just felt that my friend needed to at least acknowledge that her daughter did wrong! Have I being unreasonable in being annoyed at this? She is a really good friend of mine but situations like this seem to regularly occur.

HecatesTwopenceworth Sun 23-Aug-09 17:07:48

Yes, she did. Children don't always tell the truth. She is starting something very stupid because her daughter will know that no matter what she does, her mother will accept her denials rather than deal with it.

do you have to get together with them?

TAFKAtheUrbanDryad Sun 23-Aug-09 17:07:52

If situations like this regularly occur then perhaps you should stop seeing them?

Flyonthewindscreen Sun 23-Aug-09 17:08:19

YANBU to be annoyed. Obviously it was your friend's DD who bit your DS and nearly 2 is not too young to be told that biting is a nasty thing to do.

welshone51 Sun 23-Aug-09 17:11:34

The thing is both her and her partner are truly lovely people. They are good company and we have just returned from a really nice holiday with them. It just seems that they cant see any wrong in their only daughter and when situations like the above do occur very little is done. I must admit to getting a bit miffed by the whole thing as bites can be nasty.

purepurple Sun 23-Aug-09 17:11:48

Poor thing, yes children do bite, but I think the mum in question needs to acknowledge the fact that it was maybe her precious child that did it.
FWIW, at work, in the nursery, if I don't see something but strongly suspect that a child has done something untowards, I would say
"I hope you haven't bitten/ hit/ smacked. we don't do that. It's not nice"
That way, they get the message without being falsely accused.
Maybe the mum is embarrassed and doesn't know how to handle situations like you described?
YANBU to expect her to do something about a child biting.

AmazingBouncingFerret Sun 23-Aug-09 17:12:09

Unfortunately if you say anything about the way she parents then she is likely to take offence. You are not unreasonable to be annoyed.
Im not sure what else to say...
Take comfort in the fact that your DS will grow up to know right from wrong and her DD will be a brat! grin

SummerC Sun 23-Aug-09 17:12:38

YA DEFINITELY BNU! I can't believe how this mother is choosing to parent. Hecates is very right - this little girl will quickly learn that denying her involvement will get her off the hook. That is insane.

Personally, I would stop seeing them for awhile and see if she takes the hint. If she can't parent her child, then for your ds' safety, they can no longer play together.

cancantcan Sun 23-Aug-09 17:16:36

YANBU - It doesnt matter whether your son annoyed her or got in her way, its still no justification for biting. Since she is 2 years old however, and has no idea that biting is not an acceptable form of communication, its up to her parents to teach her this.
What they have actually taught her is that its perfectly OK to bite someone as long as you deny it afterwards.
And of course she will deny it, she is 2 years old and probably doesnt really even understand that saying you didnt do something when you did is wrong, again parents job to teach her. I'm assuming there was no other child around who could potentially have bitten your DS? If not, then I would rely far more on what was seen than on the word of a 2 year old!

LilyOfTheMountain Sun 23-Aug-09 17:19:10

Well- yanbu

but at the same time we all make mistakes when starting out as parents, this may be hers- sometimes people expect us to come into the job fully trained and what d'ya know, I am still learning with ds4.

What she should have done was take her child and firmly say 'biting is NOT nice', but I don't think her lack of inspiration was a massive worry- she probably walked away, asked her Mum and was laughed at for beleiving her child, or just now feels very silly.

If this was a pattern I'd say different, but I'd ignore, maybe model a bit of works for you in case she is finding discipline hard (and many of us do)- but if they are good friends I wouldn't get hung up too much: parents learn, 2 year olds bite and good friends are hard to come by.

welshone51 Sun 23-Aug-09 17:20:21

There werent any children nearby which makes it all the more bizarre as she must have known it was her child. hmm

HolyGuacamole Sun 23-Aug-09 17:20:57

Bite your friend, then tell her you never done it so she should have no reason to be mad about it.

lilymolly Sun 23-Aug-09 17:23:57

something similar happened to me last month when my friends dd bit my dd....... we have ahd numerous problems with her dd over the last few months as she seems to be always attacking my dd and it has happened at nursery a few times too.

TBH her parenting skills imvho are awful and she lets her dd get away with murder and It gets on my nerves as I am strict with my dd and will not allow my dd to get away with half the stugg her dd does.

I have decided to keep away from her for a few weeks until nursery starts again, and reassess the situation.

I have to protect my dd, as she is constantly getting hurt by this child. Unfortunately this may mean losing out on the company of a dear friend sad

screamingabdab Sun 23-Aug-09 17:34:17

YANBU.

I have a theory about this kind of thing (humour me).

Some people with PFBs who regularly do this kind of thing (as lots of children do...), sometimes don't know what to do about it, wish it wasn't happening, and almost go into an state of denial about it. I've seen it happen with otherwise nice people.

It's just unacceptable to not discipline a child for biting. I speak as the mother of a biter, and of another child who was regularly bitten.

What do you think would happen if you disciplined the friend's child, if you see her doing it again ? For instance, take your child aside, make a big fuss of her, and then say to the biter : "littlewelshone is very sad that you bit her. We do not bite in this house. It hurts"

lilymolly Sun 23-Aug-09 18:21:12

screamingabdab
I think your theory sounds like a solid one.

My other theory is that they will blame / or take out their anger on anyone but the childsad

screamingabdab Sun 23-Aug-09 18:50:29

Thanks, lilymolly.

Just to add, it is really common for children of this age to bite, but it just pisses everyone off if the parent is not seen to be doing anything about it. At the very least, apologising profusely to the bitten child and their parents!

OrmIrian Sun 23-Aug-09 18:53:58

I wouldn't have asked the girl if she's done it. She was bound to say no. I woul simply have told her and off and told her why that was not OK. And apologised.

lilymolly Sun 23-Aug-09 19:12:46

My friends dd is 3 and a half, so really should have grown out of it by now imvho

screamingabdab Sun 23-Aug-09 19:16:42

lillymolly, sorry I meant the 2 year-old in the OP.

I don't know the stats, but yes, I'd think 3 and a half is pretty old to still be doing it

piscesmoon Sun 23-Aug-09 19:23:55

I'm another one who wouldn't have asked her if she did it, I would just have dealt with the fact that she did do it.

ADealingMummy Sun 23-Aug-09 21:12:15

YANBU . A similar thing happens with my 2 year old DD when she mixes with our neighbours 3 year old .

He had a tendency to pinch/push her , and he wasn't reprimanded for it. Eventually all was quiet on the slide , and then my DD was absolutely sobbing her heart out (very unusual for her) ... I couldn't work out what had happened but I knew he had hurt her somehow . Lifted her top down ,and she was bleeding from a mark about the size of a penny ! He'd pinched her that hard. His mother didn't believe he did it , because he denied it . She still has a scar there .

I just don't mix her with him anymore .It's just not worth it.

hatesponge Sun 23-Aug-09 21:19:45

YANBU to be upset that your DS was bitten.

However, this reinforces the fact that we all have different parenting styles; I doubt discussing it with her would have any benefit, would just end in a row. I think that in these situations you inevitably become more selective about who you spend time with - and if she is a friend you get on well with irrespective of this, possibly just meet up without children where possible in future?

Slightly different situation, but when my DS was little (18 months old or thereabouts) he got into a biting phase. He bit my friend one day. She bit him back shock I was somewhat taken aback by that, but as he NEVER bit anyone else from then on, felt I couldn't really have a row with her over it........

screamingabdab Sun 23-Aug-09 21:47:34

shock @ hatesponge.

mathanxiety Sun 23-Aug-09 21:52:09

She sounds lovely all right. I like Screamingabdab's suggestion, but sometimes you have to just drop people. In about ten years they'll begin to wonder why.

junglist1 Sun 23-Aug-09 22:04:45

That child will be a right one, they'll regret it big time.
Also shock at hatesponges friend. My God!!!! Don't let her babysit!!!!!

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