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To be gutted at this treatment, and think that actually, i dont deserve it.

(10 Posts)
sunburntats Sat 22-Aug-09 15:25:54

So briefly,
really good freinds having a really rough time, on the verge of a split.(friends for over 30 years)
She is suffering badly because of it all, huge wieght loss, not sleeping, panic attacks when out. Telling me she wants to die, cannot cope.
3am texts "please please help me", i go round and sit with her.
She wanted me to speak with her hubby as he is not really trying to put the marriage back together, highteneing her severe anxiety about it all.

I did not want to do this, in case he told me some thing that i felt uncomfortable about (he no longer loves her, doesnt want to be there etc etc)

She wanted to know what what was said...i advised that the two of them talk to each other.

So afew days went bay and i popped round.
She was off with me.
then let out a tirade of how i had abandond her, let her down and she would never ever rely on me for any thing ever again.I am keeping things from her and should be loyal to her only.

I am gutted, she really cannot see it from my POV at all.

I did try to explain that it put me in a very difficult position, and that i was worried about her mental health and didnt feel that i could tell her what was said etc

am gutted and feel like (its NOT about me at all i get that) because i have not done something to her liking she is punishing me.
What do you think?

Nancy66 Sat 22-Aug-09 15:30:07

No, you really don't deserve it but I think you just need to cut your friend a massive amount of slack right now - she's going through an horrendous time, her whole world is falling apart and she is frightened.

In a few months time she will see how unreasonable she is being to ask you to referee between her and her husband - right now she is thinking straight.

Morloth Sat 22-Aug-09 15:39:03

Nancy66 is right, cut her some slack - however do not get involved as a go between. If she is angry at you for this she will end up hating you if you do get involved.

sunburntats Sat 22-Aug-09 15:42:42

What if she doesnt ask me to help in any way again,i really want to be there no matter what but need her to not think like this about me. I want her to know i am there no matter what because i am.
I have been trying to find out about financial help for her when he goes, you know to pay the mortgage and bills etc, and dont know where to start.
Think if i can get this info for her it is good practical help iyswim.

sunburntats Sat 22-Aug-09 15:43:42

i think i will ask on the financial bit, there are loads of people who have been through similar on here arent there.

I will ask over there.
sigh

Nancy66 Sat 22-Aug-09 15:51:02

my post should have read ISN'T thinking straight.

Give her a couple of days and then call her and tell her how much she means to you and that you will support her all you can - you just didn't think talking to the husband was a good idea and had to make a judgement call.

email her all this if it's easier.

Do you have reason to believe the husband won't still support her financially? do they have kids?

elmofan Sat 22-Aug-09 15:54:59

oh sunburntats , what an awful situation to be in , sad you sound like a great friend , agree with nancy66 , your friend is going through a horrible time & it seems like she is lashing out at you ATM but i doubt she means it , she is not thinking straight . if i where you i would just send her a text message saying you will be there for her whenever she needs to talk , cry etc . good luck

sunburntats Sat 22-Aug-09 15:57:32

Husband is on a low wage and when he leaves he will have to pay rent etc himself so he will not be able to support her and the 2 kids no.

I have sent texts to her over last few days to say all of that and she is being ok about it all now.

im so sad that she felt like this.

PixiNanny Sat 22-Aug-09 16:06:18

Don't be sad about it, she probably lashed out because she knows you'll still be there at the end of the day, iyswim? She's just having a stressful time and the fact you're still here for her shows that you care about her and then she's pretending that it didn't happen, which is her saying she's embarrassed about it... Different cause of situation but this happened last week with a friend and now the situ has clame3d everything is right again, but it still makes you feel a bit doubtful doesn't it? Chin up and keep being a good friend

pigletmania Sat 22-Aug-09 16:25:24

NYANBU, you friend obviously has some mental health problems and needs more help than you can provide for her, like counselling and mabey seeing a psychologist. You have tried your best that all you can do, you are a great friend not many would do what you do for her.

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