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To be livid that DH has decided to fast this Ramadan??

(121 Posts)
ready2explode Sat 22-Aug-09 11:45:08

Ok, I know immediately people will think I'm being unreasonable but first some background.
DH hasn't fasted since he was 15 (15 years ago), we have a newborn baby and toddler, I had caesarian and I'm struggling with BF. I feel like we have enough (on our plates...hah ha pardon the pun!) without the added stress of DH fasting.
Fasting will start at 3.45 am - 8.30pm, so no food or fluids throughout the day, waking up early for first prayer. DH will be exhausted and probably bad tempered and I just can't get over the craziness/ selfishness of him deciding to fast for the first bloody time now. I am angry too as I see it as a way of him taking some 'me time' he will basically be attempting to opt out of helping out at home. He works away for long periods but will be home until November now and I'm so mad that he's spoiling this special time we should be sharing and enjoying the new baby and helping toddler get used to new baby.
Also DH usually drinks alcohol, eats pork, doesn't even own a Quran or a prayer mat, no compass, not faintest idea which direction is Mecca and while I support his choice to become a better muslim any time he chooses I thinks he's being a total selfish arse to observe ramadan now when we need him.
I feel like telling him to piss off and stay with his mates and come back when it's over! Also his birthday's at beginning of September so I don't believe he'll let that pass with out drinking alcohol so he'll probably only fast for 2 weeks anyway so why bloody bother??!!! GRRRR!
I know this is an awful long rant but surely INBU??

moondog Sat 22-Aug-09 11:47:08

Hmm, does sound very bloody selfish to me.
What does he say when you say this to him?

saadia Sat 22-Aug-09 11:47:22

I think YABVU, but then as a Muslim I would.

Lizzylou Sat 22-Aug-09 11:50:40

Has he said why he suddenly wants to fast now?
Has something happened to make him want to return to Islam?

It does seem bizarre timing, but it is his choice, not easy for you though, I concede

Klaw Sat 22-Aug-09 11:54:02

I'm assuming that your recent birth and growing family have inspired him to go back to his religion, but yes I can see why you are frustrated.

Ok so he won't eat or drink during the day, therefore you don't have any work to do for him, but when he wants to eat and drink he needs to get it himself! Don't you DARE lift a finger to do anything for him.

Can he prepare drink and food? so that he can bring it to you during the day? How newborn is newborn? Cos I think he, and any other family and friends, need to be looking after you so that you can feed your baby and let your body recover.

vinblanc Sat 22-Aug-09 11:55:34

I think yabu.

However, if he fasts, then he should not use this as a reason/excuse for getting out of helping you or being grumpy. Fasting is between him and God - not between him and you.

Perhaps he really wants to live a more spiritual life and be obedient to the Muslim faith and observing Ramadan may be just what he needs to examine his life and give a kick start to changing his ways.

You should support him but talk it over first to share your concerns and expectations.

(I'm not Muslim, btw - but Christian).

ready2explode Sat 22-Aug-09 11:56:25

He says he feels like he wants to fast and that's that, I'd go as far as to say he's being bloody poe faced about it. I do understand the feeling of wanting to be part of it, but he's never felt tempted to before. His whole family know that he never fasts. He never goes to the mosque either. Ifeel like he's 'getting me back' for being so 'lazy' the last couple of months of the pregnancy and he's trying to give himself an excuse to opt out of the full on childcare/ home stuff

vinblanc Sat 22-Aug-09 11:57:42

If he's doing it to get back at you, then I am sure it won't last more than a couple of days.

ready2explode Sat 22-Aug-09 12:04:02

Hmm after our dd was born 2 years ago, he was making fun of his friends who were observing ramadhan here in UK and I actually told him he should think about fasting himself as he had become a father and had so much to be thankful for. So maybe I helped plant the seed there too. I did say yesterday that I don't think it's fair to use being hungry/ thirsty as excuse to not do things around the house or with dc's he agreed but I know what he's like! He's a grumpy old man when he's over tired and hungry anyway and with the sleepless nights and our toddler waking at 6am it's just going to put too much extra strain on us

AlistairSim Sat 22-Aug-09 12:11:57

I don't know any Muslims who use fasting to opt out of life. They all just get on with it, as must he.

I think you will need to be clear about your expectations of him during his fast.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Sat 22-Aug-09 12:17:07

I think YABU but I do understand. DS was born during ramadan last year and that's something I'll never do again if I can help it. I thought DH should have broken his fast the day I was actually in labour as him being dehydrated/hungry/grumpy wasn't helping me at all - but for him that wasn't a good enough reason hmm
But he's a man who made himself very ill driving all day in the desert with no water when they clearly say that on a long journey when it will make you ill not to you can have some sustenance. Like yours, mine drinks (apart from ramadan and 40 days leading up to it) and isn't very observant but it's his choice and right to participate in any religious customs he wants to, and, I'm afraid, ignore any he wants as well, it's not all or nothing.
If DH is starting ramadan with any motive other than genuine observance he'll fail very quickly anyway.

Firawla Sat 22-Aug-09 12:28:52

Yabvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvu
if he has other faults thats another issue, but rather than encourage him in the good he wants to start doing now you call him selfish? astaghfirullah no offense but your attitude is really bad, i dont think anyone would blame a man that would even divorce a women for this attitude. it's not your place to tell him not to fast or make it difficult on him, rather you should try to make it easy for him.
im sure he would be able to cope with doing things while fasting, its not impossible and many people do.

ready2explode Sat 22-Aug-09 12:33:18

GRR now he's just asked me to find all the prayer times and the address for the mosque!We've lived here for 18 months and he has no idea where it is. I'm really getting upset about all this now, we were managing really well this past week juggling the new baby and dd, each getting sleep and giving dd plenty of attention and now he's going to spoil everything.
He evn said that we shouldn't kiss or have sex until after ramadan because even though we're married I'm not muslim. I was pleased that I haven't had the post birth emotional crash yet but now i feel tears brewing.
I'm trying to stay very calm and neutral and hoping that he'll just get tired of it soon enough but I'm raging inside

ready2explode Sat 22-Aug-09 12:36:22

I haven't told him not to fast, I'm being very supportive on the surface and it would be great if he could manage to fast without making all our lives a misery at a special/ difficult time.
I am lucky that my DH is a mature and evolved MAN not a fool who would divorce his wife over an issue like this!!

KIMItheThreadSlayer Sat 22-Aug-09 12:38:15

YANBU at all, he will get fed up with it soon enough, leave him to it.

KIMItheThreadSlayer Sat 22-Aug-09 12:41:49

Also if he wants to plat devout let him look up the rubbish himself, why should you have to do it, if he wants to put on a big display of "faith" let him do what is needed.

Personally I think if he drinks, eats pork and so on most of the time a few days on a mat with his ares in the air and missing a few meals is stupid, not really a "good" Muslim at all really

rookiemater Sat 22-Aug-09 12:52:11

YANBU

Seriously I can't believe that people think it would be reasonable to divorce a wife because she is expressing her displeasure over this.

Fair enough if he was a devout Muslim, but from what you have said he isn't. If he is meant to be off helping you then thats what he should be doing, but unfortunately as its faith related then you are the heel if you say anything about it.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Sat 22-Aug-09 12:52:33

Tell him he's being bonkers about the no sex and kissing - as you are married, whatever your religion, you are halal to each other after sundown. Tell him to go and ask the imam if he has any doubts about that.

Suggesting that you are haraam because you are non muslim during ramadan but not otherwise is stupid, ignorant, and actually quite hurtful. I'd be pretty fuming about that.

I do get the calendar and print it for him, as well as cook his iftaar meal, because I like to support him (but only if he's being nice to me natch) but I agree that if you aren't totally on board with him doing this it shouldn't be your job to sort it all out for him.

And Kimi - there is really no reason to be so rude and offensive.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Sat 22-Aug-09 12:55:15

rookie
for muslims, a spouse trying to stop the other from observing customs such as ramadan would be very serious. Obviously it's different when the spouse is not muslim, but in a muslim couple it would be considered very grave.

SomeGuy Sat 22-Aug-09 13:03:22

FFS, he is a pork-eating infidel, he has no business fasting.

ready2explode Sat 22-Aug-09 13:09:13

I'm glad some of you understand the frustration with the timing of this! that's my issue. I'd be so much more supportive if ramadan was a month or 2 away but too decide to be more devout than the devoutest right now when we have a new baby and we hadn't planned on adding an extra layer of stress just feels really unfair, especially when I know my DH and I can see it won't last long. Why make the next week or 2 miserable for no good reason. I think he's being selfish and immature.
Now the dc's are sleeping, I'm putting together our sainsbury's order and he's moaning about specific foods he should have and I don't want this stress. I want us to get through this next month as happily and stress free as possible as we planned to. He only announced 2 days ago he intended to fast. After birth of dd 2 years ago we had a tough time in our relationship as I didn't feel supported by him in the beginning and the issues of sharing household duties and children are the main cause of arguments for us but we've made a pact/ plan of action to cope with new baby's arrival and now I feel like he's throwing in an opt out clause and his newfound devoutness places him above criticism!
I will try to support him as I do respect his right to decide to fast if he wakes up one morning and feels it's important but yes I am hoping he gets tired of it very fast and I'm very anxious it's going to cause problems in our happy household.
kat2907 i'll tell him to ask imam, he's off to mosque now.. if he manages to find it!

moondog Sat 22-Aug-09 13:09:47

SG, that's not fair. It's like saying a Christian who has had a shag out of wedlock can't take communion or be baptised.

I'd ask him (and yourself) which is the more Godly act; abstaining from food and drink during daylight or looking after his wife, new baby and toddler.(Re the kissing and sex, I am surprised you still want to frankly. An action like this would put me right off my dh.)

ready2explode Sat 22-Aug-09 13:10:24

he he someguy, he's usually proud to be a pork eating infidel too!

ready2explode Sat 22-Aug-09 13:12:01

and only a few hours in i'm finding this new poe faced piousness a bit tedious too

i want my DH back!

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Sat 22-Aug-09 13:14:01

SomeGuy

Nobody ever says about Christians that they shouldn't get married in church because they aren't virgins, or that a jew should not have a bar mitsvah if they don't go to temple or observe kosher - it's only Islam that inspires this sort of sniping. Why is that? Why does it offend you that R2E's DH wants to observe some traditions of his religion and not others?

Oh - and an infidel is someone who doesn't believe in god. Presuming he isn't that.

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