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to be pretty sure I don't want any more?

(19 Posts)
BunnyLebowski Thu 20-Aug-09 09:59:31

kids that is!

DD is 10 months and we love her ridiculously! I've found motherhood very fulfilling. I loved being pregnant, gave up work to be with her and have loved breastfeeding (still am) so generally have felt quite earth-mothery.

However I'm leaning towards not having any more. DP and I have spoken at length about it and we're both on the same page at the minute. Some reasons being....

1. Firstly I'm not sure I want to cope with 2 or more. The organisation needed and the possible squabbles etc. The prospect of dealing with a newborn and an older child scares me!
2. DP and I want to travel and take dd all over the world and doing so seems feasible with just dd, in fact it seems very exciting! With 2 or more it seems to me that it would be much more hard work (and more expensive).
3. Financially we would be much more comfortable with just dd.
4. I want to go back and finish my degree and finally get myself a career rather than just a dead-end job. Again this would be much easier with just dd to work around/arrange childcare for.
5. Hope this doesn't sound shallow but thanks to bf'ing I'm actually smaller than pre-pregnancy. My boobs are still relatively ok. I'm worried that I wouldn't bounce back quite so bouncily after another pregnancy/birth/bf'ing.
6. I miss having a social life! We have no family near us. DP and I haven't been out once together since dd was born. We're just getting to the stage where leaving her with a babysitter seems possible and I'm really looking forward to going for a meal and a drink just the 2 of us. Again this will be easier with just dd.

On the other side of the argument I worry about dd being lonely and missing out on having siblings. I'm one of 4 and have wonderful memories of holidays/summers spent playing out etc. I don't want to deprive dd of this for my only possibly selfish reasons.

Anyone been here or have any thoughts? Am I being a selfish moose?

itsmeolord Thu 20-Aug-09 10:07:05

YANBU. If you and partner are both happy with one and have plans around that then I fail to see why it would be selfish.
Only children are just as happy as children with siblings.

My dd is my only biological child, I have a stepdaughter as well who is here most weekends and lots of the holidays, but inbetween dd has long periods of being an only. She can still play out etc, just with her friends in the are rather than siblings, both are equally as much fun.
DD also seems to meet plenty of children on holidays to pay with as well.

AMumInScotland Thu 20-Aug-09 10:14:55

I've got an only - I'd always vaguely assumed I'd have 2 or 3, but it was hard work when DS was small which put us both off the idea of having more. That said, if I'd felt the same powerful biological (psychological?) urge to have another as I had when I wanted to get pg the first time, that would almost certainly have over-ruled any practical considerations!

If you and DP are happy to stop at one, and neither of you change your minds about that over time, then do that. There's a lot of advantages to having an only - as you say, you can do things which get more difficult with more children, and the time and money doesn't have to be shared out as much.

But 10 months is fairly early to decide 100% for sure, so just make it a "working decision" for now, and reconsider if things change later. But if they don't, be happy as a threesome. We are.

woozlet Thu 20-Aug-09 10:15:09

YANBU, I am feeling the same right now, just seems like such hard work to have 2 littlies!

thirtypence Thu 20-Aug-09 10:18:02

I have a six year old only - and it's great.

Like Amuminscotland I never felt the same powerful urge again.

BunnyLebowski Thu 20-Aug-09 10:25:20

Aw thanks everyone. It's good to know what I'm feeling is common. And that onlys aren't necessarily lonelies!

There are days when I see a newborn and my womb momentarily explodes with longing but pretty quickly I remember the pain of labour, the sleepless nights, the teething and imagine doing it all again with another child to cope with.

AMumInScotland - I agree that 10 months is too early to decide for sure. We'll see what happens in a few years. For now we are really happy as a threesome. DP and I are stronger and better than ever and I worry that another baby would negatively affect the great family dynamic we have at the moment.

Thanks all for taking the time to read smile

pinkthechaffinch Thu 20-Aug-09 10:36:59

well when my ds was 6, I decided I wanted another one and am now the mum of dd aged 6 months.

I love her very very much but in hindsight I often wish I hadn't conceived again.
Life was much simpler with one ds, my figure still hasn't recovered, my career has again stalled, and I'm much more tired than I was first time round (31 compared to 24).

Also, I hate to admit this, but i haven't felt the overwhelming sense of love and pride that I did with DS.

Def. take my adivce and stick with one if that's what your instincts are tellng you now.

mollythetortoise Thu 20-Aug-09 10:37:12

i think they are all good reasons. My theory on only children is that they can actually be better at making new friends than childen with close siblings. My dd isn't an only as she has a younger brother but on holiday etc she might as well be as her brother is too young to play with her. I've always encouraged her to seek new friends by going up to girls she likes the look of and asking to join in/ be friends. She is very very good at doing this now and 9/10 times she is successful. perhaps if she had a brother or sister closer in age, she would not need to do this and would not have developed this skill

UndomesticHousewife Thu 20-Aug-09 10:40:40

It's entirely your choice how many children you have, it's not something you should have to justify to anyone.

I have 3 and it is hard, I would love more but financially it's impossible adn quite frankly I wouldn't cope!
My youngest is 2.4 yrs at the moment and he is very hard work.
But I also know that it won't last forever, the sleepless nights etc don't last and befor eyou know it you have grown up children and you're wishing for their babyhood again.

Also, I have a sister and we are close and I'm glad that when my dc's grow up they will have each other, hopefully to support one another and be friends.

However, only children I'm sure don't miss out (though I don't kow for sure as I don't know any), their friends I assume become their sisters and extended family.

What about cousins etc?

BunnyLebowski Thu 20-Aug-09 10:46:47

Hmmm she has one cousin but she lives in Spain so we don't see her too often. We have no family at all where we live and that worries me - it will be friends or nothing for dd.

I have considered moving back home for this very reason but small town Ireland after 10 years away in the big smoke is too scary a prospect!

PinktheChaffinch - thank you for your honesty.

ibangthedrums Thu 20-Aug-09 11:13:05

We often thought would have just one but when DC1 was two we decided to try again.

On the flip side part of our reasons were selfish in that we wanted DC1 to have a playmate to was less dependent on us on hols etc.

Part of the reason was also that DH and I are both onlies from small families and we realised DC1 may have a lonely upbringing and no close family when older.

But, you have to do what is right for you and there are often times I think just one is much much easier and cheaper.

expatinscotland Thu 20-Aug-09 11:16:16

You don't have to justify it, but I wouldn't do anything permanent for a couple of years yet.

Your feelings may change.

I've had really bad PND with all three of mine, BUT right around the 9-10 month mark you get this incredible, new surger of love everytime.

I'm there right now with DS who is nearly 10 months.

And he's just this lovely, jubbly ball of baby who's downright scrummy.

Wait and see how your DS's character shapes up.

DD2 would have been all right with being an only, but it wouldn't have been ideal for DD1.

BunnyLebowski Thu 20-Aug-09 11:23:12

expat - we must have had ours at pretty much the same time!

I'm in no way taking my current feelings to be permanent! And I've had no negative feelings towards dd at all. She's been a relatively easy baby and she's the light of our lives.

There are days that I picture her with a new wee sister or brother and my heart flips!

In terms of her character she is already much like I was as a child. Fearless, determined, shouty, affectionate and loves new people essentially an extrovert. I don't think we'll have to worry about her making friends.

So to recap I won't be sending DP off to have anything snipped just yet!

Kayzr Thu 20-Aug-09 11:31:57

I don't think YABU at all.

I have 2 and will certainly be having a third(and 4th if DH would let me). It is so nice to see DS1 cuddling DS2.

I think it all comes down to personal feeling. If you are both happy with just your DD then that is all you need. But then again you may change your mind in a few years.

expatinscotland Thu 20-Aug-09 11:37:57

DD1 was very much like her dad when she was that age.

Now, as a 6-year-old, she's a lot like me.

Glad you're not doing anything perm!

Give it some time and enjoy your baby, you don't need to make any hard and fast decisions just the now.

thirtypence Thu 20-Aug-09 20:46:05

I had a coil fitted when ds was 2.5. Dh had the snip when he was 5. We had just paid the deposit on his school (which was only possible because we had one child, rather than only having one child to make the school possible IYSWIM)

The holiday one depends on what you like to do. Getting a 2 bedroom apartment costs the same if you have 2 or 1 child sleeping in it. Lots of family passes effectively give you a free child so we spend the same as a family of 4 or 5. We do save an airfare.

I teach music from home and so ds has had endless children trailing through the house picking up his toys and giving him a two player race on the Playstation. He is the child who will go up to other children on holiday and befriend them.

choosyfloosy Thu 20-Aug-09 20:57:36

We will only have ds (now 5), and for me and dh that's the right decision, although it took a lot of talking about, especially around 18 months - this is partly simply because so many of your parent friends will start having another around this time. Dh was horrendously ill for the first two years of ds's life, and having had one pregnancy scare 3 years ago, I know that I would be terrified of doing the whole thing again.

However, ds has strong views on the subject himself - he would absolutely love a brother or sister, he is the most sociable child alive, loves babies and plays really well with the younger siblings of his friends. Now, because he's an only, he has had to develop huge friendship skills, which I suppose might not have been the same if he had a sibling, and I am hugely proud of this aspect of him. But it is truly hard when I love him so much, want him to have everything he would like (not in a material sense, but you know what I mean), and am denying him the one thing he wants most. Naturally, if he had a real sibling, they would scrap like all siblings do, and I am profoundly relieved for myself that I don't have to deal with that! But when I see siblings just being together, having rough and tumble, fighting like cat and dog and then turning round and defending each other in the face of outsiders, I feel bereft and so does he.

Friends are vital - I have 3 good friends myself from primary school. But they are not the same - they offer things you don't get from siblings, but they are IMO not completely the same and there's no point fooling ourselves on that one.

I wish you all well in the future. I'd be lying if I didn't also say there are lovely times in our little unit of 3, and I hope you have plenty of those.

rempy Thu 20-Aug-09 21:03:12

I seem to remember when DD was 10 months she was at her most totally and utterly fantastically adorable. Just extraordinarily lovely.

All I would say is to keep an open mind. As she gets up on her feet and starts to toddle about, you may find yourself missing your squishy baby, and decide that, although it will prolong the time that you arent able to go out, and will cost more, another baby is what you want.

skybright Thu 20-Aug-09 21:14:01

You don't mention how old you are but i'm guessing young enough that it is not an immediate decision,i would enjoy your lovely bundle but as others have said i would'nt do anything permanant.

I have a fairly small age gap between my first two then a thirteen year gap with my youngest...i have loved this and it has been much less stressful with the age gap.

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