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to want DH to come to bed same time as me?

(19 Posts)
woozlet Thu 20-Aug-09 08:45:37

I think maybe I ABU, but would like to know what others think about this.

We have a 6 month old DS. I go to bed between 10 and 11 - already pushing myself to stay up to spend time with DH. He stays up til about 1am. I get up any time DS wakes in the night, then in the morning DH is all grumpy cos DS is making a noise before he is ready to get upfor work - I am talking DS making a racket at 7am, he has to get up 7.30am.

So AIBU to be annoyed that he doesn't just come to bed with me? And sex is out the window when he does that cos I am always asleep or half asleep by the time he comes to bed.

Sometimes he does come to bed with me, but only if I have said something to him.

EyeballsintheSky Thu 20-Aug-09 08:52:31

We have this situation but in reverse. DH takes DD up to bed at about 9.30pm (she's a holy terror) and because she was sleeping in our bed, he had to stay with her. Now she sleeps in her cot for the first part of the night anyway so he doesn't need to stay up there but is in the habit and loves going to bed early. But he's a morning person.

On the other hand I am a night person, can't do mornings so I would hate to go to bed that early and it's often 1am before I go up. If I went to bed earlier I wouldn't sleep for ages so it's pointless.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Thu 20-Aug-09 09:10:38

my DH occasionally does that but he knows sex is not on the cards! He also knows he can only do it when he has nothing to get up for the next day and he can lie in because I fucking hate prising him out of bed when he's been up late and it's not worth the grief for him these days!
He's naturally nocturnal and I'm not so it has taken some adjusting in our relationship. I would not be happy if he was coming to bed late every night.

harleyd Thu 20-Aug-09 09:11:30

maybe he likes to get those couple of hours to himself

screamingabdab Thu 20-Aug-09 09:18:53

Is he complaining about the lack of sex ? What does he do until 1 am ?

I don't think YABU. It sounds as if DH has not yet realised he will have to modify his routine to fit in with DCs, if he's complaining about noise in the mornings when he is tired.

He's actually lucky it's 7 am. my DC1 used to regularly wake at 5.30am

On the other hand, to be fair, maybe he does feel he doesn't get much time to himself when he gets in from work (assuming) he's a WOHD and you are a SAHM, so maybe you need to negotiate that he gets a bit of time to himself when he comes in, or at the weekend.

bubblagirl Thu 20-Aug-09 09:20:14

in all honesty i used to think it was important then i realise dp never actually got any alone time in the flat i was always there and so was ds sometimes its nice to just have breathing space alone

if his getting too tired tell him to come to bed early and pop yourself to bed hour early if your struggling if you want romance set up romantic evening and take it from there apart from that i cant see anything wrong i go to bed before dp i just say dont be in too late you know ds wakes early he'll come through around 12

my dp likes watching his comedy channel and just having real time to relax on his own understandable i get few hours alone when ds is in bed to read book etc but he doesnt have alone time until i go to bed

ABetaDad Thu 20-Aug-09 09:20:35

woozlet - YANBU.

We have just put in place a plan to go to bed much earlier and together and have redesigned our bedroom to make it a place we can actually enjoy and spend time in. We have put a TV there, a place to make drinks, and we both have WiFi laptops but the imporant thing is having a routine of getting in to our PJs and ready for bed early otherise we end up going to be at midnight.

We get up at 6.45 a.m so no lie in for us either.

screamingabdab Thu 20-Aug-09 09:23:14

Following from my last post . Make sure you also get time to yourself as well, of course.

I remember that a source of tension in the first months with my DC1, was that when DH got in from work I'd want to chuck the baby at him as I was so fed up by then, but DH wanted a few minutes to wind down after work.

Maybe relevant to your situation ?

Stigaloid Thu 20-Aug-09 09:24:09

YANBU - when you have a baby any alone moment with your DH is precious. Ask him to come to bed with you at least 2 nights a week so you can chat in bed and just have some cuddle time.

Also - don't always get up to your DC. He is a daddy and 50% responsible for your children - give him a kick and say 'the baby's crying' and make him be a parent!

screamingabdab Thu 20-Aug-09 09:24:45

ABetaDad. That's a good idea about watching TV together in bed. It works for us

allaboutme Thu 20-Aug-09 09:27:28

I dont think it can be helped if you need more sleep than he does or if he is a night owl and you are not tbh
I go to bed about 10pm ish. I'm knackered by then.
DH goes to bed anywhere between 1am and 3am every night. He gets up at about 7am (but isnt very 'with it' in the mornings!)
Thats just him.
If I insisted he came to bed with me at 10pm, that would be like someone insisting I went to bed at 6pm every night!!!

Some nights we compromise and I stay up a little later or he comes to bed earlier and has a little light on to read.

Meglet Thu 20-Aug-09 09:27:38

yanbu. My ex p used to come to bed a long time after me, he wouldn't even watch tv in bed. It really got me down and left me feeling pretty lonely tbh. I can appreciate people need some time for themselves, but every night isn't on. To make it worse ex p would often try and wake me up at midnight for sex when I was asleep, I made it quite clear that an hour or two earlier would have been fine, but not when I was already tucked up.

ChasingSquirrels Thu 20-Aug-09 09:29:11

we had the same, quite a lot of the time ex used to come to bed with me, then get up again for a few hours when I went to sleep.

woozlet Thu 20-Aug-09 09:32:06

screamingabdab - No he isn't complaining about lack of sex, that's me! But then I know sometimes he looks at porn when I go to bed, don't get me wrong - I don't mind that, but I don't like it being instead of sex iykwim. Other than that, he is watching tv, on laptop or playing playstation.

I suppose maybe he does need some time to himself, although he does play football twice a week and goes to the gym 3 times a week, so he gets alone time then!

Just pisses me off that he seems to be so fecking tired in the morning and he could just come to bed earlier and I think our relationship would be better for it. Like when we first got together we always went to bed at the same time, suppose that's cos we were in the bonking all the time phase!

woozlet Thu 20-Aug-09 09:35:31

stigaloid - that's a good idea, I think I will ask him to come with me at least a couple of nights.

As for making him get up to DS, I wouldn't do that because I am already awake so wouldn't want both of us up, and he does have to get up for work and not be even more knackered!

bubblagirl Thu 20-Aug-09 09:37:11

lol same here always in bed but we used to also talk till early hours lol now we more sensible and need sleep lol go to bed and just say come through by 12 so your not too tired and other nights say come cuddle with me in bed and watch a movie or something i just give dp time alone as i know he needs it works very long hours and just needs time out

we did just recently go through stage of not cuddling or kissing in bed and becoming quite distant but we have addressed this now and he will give me kiss and cuddle when he comes to bed

screamingabdab Thu 20-Aug-09 09:45:00

woozlet you last post makes it a lot clearer. You are definitely NBU. Porn shouldn't substitute for sex, and he is getting a lot of alone time !

It sounds to me as if you are being very accommodating to him. It does sound as if you need to seriously address this with him, or your relationship is at risk of becoming more distant. It sounds like you need much more intimacy.

ABetaDad Thu 20-Aug-09 09:53:12

woozlet - it is easy to slip into bad habits in a relationship. I was not very well for quiet a long time and tended to start sitting up late on the odd evening but it started to become a habit and DW I think did feel unhappy. I stopped doing it unless I rally was very ill.

Sounds to me that a proper talk about this with DH and say a rearrangement of your bedroom, some night lights for reading, a TV with headphones, a laptop and WiFi system would accomodate your husband BUT in return for a commitment to come to bed at 9.00 p.m -not to sleep but just be together as a couple without DCs and other distractions.

landrover Thu 20-Aug-09 11:41:58


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