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to feel used by a childhood friend

(17 Posts)
woodlands35 Sun 16-Aug-09 19:31:44

hi could use other peoples opinions please ,
i have been friends with this girl for 21 years , but these days (since she married ) we hardly ever see each other , maybe once a year if i make the effort , anyway over the last 4 or 5 years seeing as we only see each other around Christmas time i have spoiled her dc's eg= full outfits of clothes & toys etc for each of her dc's , last year she came with me when i bought her dc's the clothes for xmas so she knew what i was getting them yet when she came to my house over the Christmas she handed my ds the cardboard off a toilet roll & it was wrapped in xmas paper & filled with melted Halloween toffee's shock & my baby dd was handed a keyring which fell apart when the wrapper was opened ( choking hazard)
i have spoken to her recently & have explained that due to dh having to take a pay cut (recession) we will not be able to exchange gifts this year , i have not heard from her since . AIBU
to feel used .

moondog Sun 16-Aug-09 19:33:46

Well, I don't thin kfriendship should be based on presents or who gave what tbh.

Why were you giving her such flashy gifts if you rarely saw her?

dollius Sun 16-Aug-09 19:37:34


You don't give presents in anticipation of what you will get back.

By telling her that you would not be able to exchange gifts this year because of money issues, you have made it very obvious that you are annoyed that she hasn't been as flashy with the presents as you have.

Not everyone can afford to give all their friends' children outfits and expensive clothes.

I agree, she should have said, Oh no don't buy all that for my children, or somesuch. But perhaps she was embarrassed?

TotalChaos Sun 16-Aug-09 19:38:06

sounds like the friendship's run its course and the pressies are a bit of a symptom rather than a cause..... I can see why you were so pissed off by receiving such appalling shite as presents, even if you are skint either give something appropriate or don't bother!

woodlands35 Sun 16-Aug-09 19:42:15

sorry i didn't mean to make out that its all about the gifts , i suppose i used that as an example of the difference to the way she & her dh act towards my family iykwim , we don't like her dh , he is very controlling (scans her emails etc) last year he gave a very smarmy grin when our 18month old dd cried for the keyring to be opened only for it to fall apart ,

moondog Sun 16-Aug-09 19:45:52

Oh God, drop her. No point wasting any more enrgy there.

woodlands35 Sun 16-Aug-09 19:47:59

dollius , we are a 1 income family whereas they both work so its not a money issue ,
& i would never expect any1 to but my dc's expensive gifts .

katiestar Sun 16-Aug-09 20:26:06

Move on

honeybehappy Sun 16-Aug-09 20:42:37

Why have you done it for the last 4 years if she gives your DC such crappy pressies?

OldDoe Sun 16-Aug-09 20:51:49

If her DH is like that, maybe he's keeping her short or denying her the chance to reciprocate with nicer gifts. Maybe he prevents her from contacting more often. Maybe she feels embarrassed that she can't do more with you, hence, the zero contact.

Keep in loose contact because it could be, she'll need every friend she can get when she realises she married a twat and want's to do a runner.

serendippity Sun 16-Aug-09 20:55:42

Oh god I have a lovely freind who spoils both myself and my DC at birthdays and, altough we don't buy gufts for each others dc at christmas we buy eatch other something. She has always been lovely and generous and not moaned even a teeny bit when I had her over a crappy £10- £15 gift because I simply cannot afford any more. She knows I would do more if i could and our freindship is still good.
However, I can see why you might feel a little used if you have had no response since telling her you won't be able to do it this year. Having said that if you weren't hearing a whole lot from her prior to this, and it sounds like you haven't, maybe it was coming naturaly to end anyway.
Her dp does sound like a bit of a git tho btw, could he be involved somehwere?
hth a little

woodlands35 Sun 16-Aug-09 20:58:39

as i said earlier it is not about the gifts tbh blush last year my friend told my dc's they where NOT allowed to open their gifts until she had gone home hmm but then her dh said " no let them open them i want to see their faces" which makes me feel that my friend is led & said by her dh , he is an arse who feels its not a good night unless he starts a row with some one , every party we have had he has annoyed some of our guests , none of my family or other friends like him , my friend met him through a dating agency & did not know him for very long before she married him . he was divorced when she met him .

serendippity Sun 16-Aug-09 21:41:30

that doesn't sound great woodlands- That he was smirking as the keyring fell apart etc.. I'd be embarresed if it were me.
It does make me question whether to dump her or not, as she may need some support- some men can make their wives behave very strangly.
Reading my earlier post back it probably didn't help in the slightest, there wasn't really a whole lot of clear advice in it blush

woodlands35 Mon 17-Aug-09 11:42:58

hi serendippity , yes i definitely think her dh is behind all of this , no body likes him & he knows it , my friend is very quiet but even more so around him imo , he is a know all iykwim - & a bare face liar , even when we have caught him out on lies & told him he still continues with the lies . at our dds christening straight after he had eaten his food (i was told this by our other guests who were sitting at the same table as them) that he ordered my friend " its time to leave" she asked him if she could finish her drink & he said NO angry so they left . she wont speak up to him at all . i have tried in the past to gently bring up his behaviour but she just annoyed at me so i left it .

Silver1 Mon 17-Aug-09 11:47:43

If you think it's the husband and not the friend then surely this is the time to step up and stay a friend regardless of presents. Just graciously smile and accept what he offers, carry on as before and let your friend keep some dignity outside of the home.

QuintessentialShadows Mon 17-Aug-09 11:50:58

I am surprised you would tell her upfront that you wont be able to buy her kids expensive presents this year. Why not just buy them something smaller and not make an issue?

To me it just shows how much emphasis YOU put on the high value of the gifts you were giving out of your own free will. I think you were quite rude, as your friend now will think of herself as a "charity case" getting handouts from "her wealthy friend who now has hit upon tougher times", rather than you doing it from your own good will. Especially as you have shown her you were miffed at her present efforts, which may have been influenced by a twattish husband.

landrover Wed 19-Aug-09 19:31:26


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