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to cut off this friend?

(9 Posts)
debs40 Sat 15-Aug-09 10:20:24

I have an old school friend.

We used to be very close when we lived in the same city but when I moved out with dh to live somewhere else, she became a bit distant.

Shortly after this, I was then pregnant with my first child, we had an argument about how rubbish I thought she was about keeping in touch. She was always too busy too meet etc. I was lonely and hormonal and probably spoke more frankly than I would have done ordinarily about my need for her to keep in touch.

She freaked out and cut me off for months despite me writing to apologise. I explained that I had been having a bad time (and looking back I probably had ante-natal depression). This made no difference. She accused me of trying to manipulate her and at one point, she just sent me an email link to a psychologist website!

Eventually, she came back on speaking terms with me but things have never been the same.

This was SEVEN years ago and I've had another child since then and she's had two! But this hasn't altered her passive hostility and I'm tiring of this a little.

Of course, I look back and see how I should have handled things differently back then but I can also see that I was going through a bad time. I was pregnant for the first time with no family or friends around and not a lot of money. There were problems with the pregnancy too which led to my son's early birth. I just needed a bit of support. I'd never asked for anything from her in years of friendship and she was obviously unable to cope with offering support.

Anyway, I've moved on from that (not surprisingly after 7 years). I wouldn't let that falling out stop me being friends but my problem is that this friend clearly still has not 'forgiven' me for my transgression.

She sends presents to the children and a card on my birthday but we don't have any other contact unless I initiate it. We went to see her each time she'd had a baby and she was perfectly civil but she never keeps in contact herself.

We have another friend from school and the three of us used to meet up together. I suggested this earlier in the year and she ignored my emails. DH advised me not to pursue it so I didn't and made excuses why we couldn't meet. I then got an email back saying 'what a shame' and the other two met together.

I suggested she might like to come and visit us sometime. Again, she just ignored me and I've heard nothing since.

I saw the other friend last week and she is always nonplussed by it all. She can't understand why a silly disagreement would cause all this rancour years later on. She doesn't see the mutual friend much but does get letters, cards and the occasional visit.
I have tried to explain that I don't even have that level of contact from her. I feel like I'm flogging a dead horse

Anyway, I suppose I want comments on whether IABU to stop sending cards/presents now and just let this relationship fade. It seems sad to do so but I think I've sort of got to take the hint and I can't see the point of sending presents to children who haven't a clue who I am and whom I never see. Or is that mean?It's just that, seven years on, things are never likely to get better are they?

I didn't send this friend a card for her brithday but her DD birthday is coming up. I kind of feel a clean break is the only sensible solution.


GrinnyPig Sat 15-Aug-09 10:24:24

I wouldn't send a present for her DDs birthday. I think she'll get the message. It sounds as though the friendship has run it's course and if she's still upset after an incident seven years ago she's never going to get over it.

2kidzandi Sat 15-Aug-09 10:35:02

All relationships need imput from both sides if it's to survive. You've not been in a hurry to cut her off and have given her lots of time to get over the incident. True friends can argue passionately and then makeup and move on. I think it has run its course, but you never know, giving her the silent treatment may cause her to rethink how much your friendship means.

proverbial Sat 15-Aug-09 10:47:51

Let it fade? I think its long since faded into nothing. She is not your friend. Let it go and put your energy into other friendships/

debs40 Sat 15-Aug-09 10:52:03

Thanks folks. I agree. I think just seeing the other pal last week made me doubt this a bit. She was a bit taken aback when I mentioned I was going to let it fade.

junglist1 Sat 15-Aug-09 11:24:59

So she hasn't forgiven you for wanting a bit of support from her inconsiderate backside? Cut her off. why doesn't the other friend understand your position when strangers on the internet do?

debs40 Sat 15-Aug-09 11:34:20

I think that's more to do with her wanting things to be back the way they were and feeling that there is a chance of that if there are still lines of communication open. I had to tell her that I'm flogging a dead horse.

landrover Wed 19-Aug-09 19:17:53

forget her

landrover Thu 20-Aug-09 13:12:12

any news

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