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To not want to go and scatter my step fathers ashes?????

(12 Posts)
mosschops30 Fri 14-Aug-09 09:55:18

Some of you may remember my father passed away in May after committing suicide and having quite a slow drawn out death.
They removed his brain, and we decided to go ahead with the funeral, and are still awaiting coroners results and verdict.

I was in early pregnancy at the time, am now 27 weeks. It took a terrible toll on me as I have no siblings, my step father's biological daughter wouldnt help in any way and I spent about 6 weeks driving the 200 miles to my parents house sometimes twice a week, in between balancing my own family life.

Mum has been increasingly demanding ever since and I have had to tell her I cannot look after her like a child.

Anyway last night she said 'you know we still have to scatter the ashes, I cant get closure until its done'.
The problem is, if I drive up to do it, she wants to drive another 100 miles to a place 'he liked' hmm to scatter the ashes. I find it bizarre that she didnt want them scattered close by because theyre not him and it wouldnt mean anythng, but wants me to drive 600 miles round trip to some random part of the country.
Also for me its not about closure, and means nothing, and I dont really want to be involved.
The next time I can get there is BH weekend, but will have kids with me, and dont want to have them involved in it really, and after that I will be in no fit state to drive that sort of distance on my own.

So as per usual she sat in a huff saying 'oh dont bother I'll drive and ask {friend} to come with me'


msrisotto Fri 14-Aug-09 10:02:05


So as per usual she sat in a huff saying 'oh dont bother I'll drive and ask {friend} to come with me'

Problem solved!

TBH, it's her issue not yours. She sounds controllng and if she can drive, why does she want to make you??

mosschops30 Fri 14-Aug-09 10:03:37

because she 'really wants me there', not giving any thought to whether I want to be there or not, or how it will affect me!

msrisotto Fri 14-Aug-09 10:22:16

It is difficult.

On the one hand it is important to provide support but on the other hand, you feel you've done enough already and don't want to do this bit.
If you've made up your mind you just have to be honest and stick with it!

zipzap Fri 14-Aug-09 10:51:01

Could this be a good time to say that the midwife is a bit worried about you and that you really shouldn't be driving that distance now rather than after the bank holiday?

I know it is a bit of a white lie but you sound pretty stressed and I am sure most midwives would tell you to prioritise yourself to reduce stress to help with the baby - there may even be one on here who would tell you that - so it wouldn't really be telling lies.

and it would take the blame off you directly and maybe make your mother realise that you need some looking after too and that as you get more pregnant/baby arrives you are going to be able to do less for her and have to focus more on the baby, your family and you.

Depending on how much you think she wants to get it done now, try saying that if she needs you to do it, you would be happy to - but it will have to be after the baby is born and everything has settle down so at least a year from now. Risk is she might take you up on it, but if she reallly does want to get it done sooner, then at least you will she will be the one turning down your offer of help - and you have a pretty valid reason for not being able to do anything sooner!

which reminds me - forgot to say - YANBU!

screamingabdab Fri 14-Aug-09 11:07:02

You poor thing OP. I can see why your mum is being demanding (sorry, I don't know the background, or your relationship with her or your step dad), BUT you simply have to prioritise yourself at the moment.

I know what is like to be dealing with grief (and in my case, anger) while pregnant sad. I ended up having counselling, which helped a lot

zipzaps idea sounds good.

mosschops30 Fri 14-Aug-09 13:13:14

thanks again for replies. Zipzap, thats a good idea. She did say 'i know you wont have time after the baby and I need to get it done asap for closure'.
So yes I think I will say to her that I will go with her, but it will be next year and she either goes herself with friend or waits and I will take her next year.

Im not particularly stressed, apart from where my mother is concerned, shes hard work, but I do what I can (drove up yesterday 3 hours to get up at 5am this morning to take her to airport then drive 3 hours home) but she doesnt seem to see that any of these things are hard for me. I already worked 31 hours this week, then she asked me to get potatoes on my way because she didnt want to go to Tesco angry

pinkthechaffinch Sat 15-Aug-09 08:07:05

YANBU at all!

This thread has interested me as I too am going to have to be involved in the scattering of late MIL's ashes very soon.

I have been feeling guilty for not wanting to come along and generally feeling fed up of providing emotional support to OH.

I personally wouldn't drive all that way.

pinkthechaffinch Sat 15-Aug-09 08:07:59

Especially not while pregnant x

landrover Wed 19-Aug-09 19:19:33

you poor thing

MummyDragon Wed 19-Aug-09 21:05:02

Hi mosschops, I do remember you posting about your dad, I'm so sorry.

My mum also turned into a total nightmare after my dad died - it's part of the process of being widowed, but it's a right bitch pile of pants for the rest of the family. The first year after someone dies is so hard.

How do you think you will feel, in months/years to come, if you are not there when the ashes are scattered?

If you think you'll be fine with this, then tell your mum that you can't be there. You are pregnant and also have other DCs. You have to put them (and yourself and OH) first. And I'm sorry to say it, and I'm only saying it because I have been through exactly the same situation myself, that your mum is taking the piss with regard to you doing all that driving, picking up the potatoes from Tesco, etc etc - you are still her daughter, and she is still your mother, and you should not have to be the parent in this situation.

Sorry - I really hope this doesn't come across as bitchy or insensitive - I have posted similar things in the Bereavement forum a few times recently, as I know from bitter experience just how difficult, soul-destroying and selfish a widowed mum can be. On the bright side, it won't last for ever. She's had her world ripped apart, but she will build a new life, in time.

I hope you get this sorted, and I hope your pregnancy goes well and that you're managing to get some time to relax ... Hugs x

landrover Thu 20-Aug-09 13:03:02


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