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AIBU?

To be pissed off that dh is out on our 10th anniversary

28 replies

Jklm · 14/08/2009 08:16

I'm really sad and upset that dh is out with ex-work colleagues tonight when its our 10th wedding anniversary today.

I'm not one of those people who gets annoyed if dh goes out but he told me yesterday that he's out for some guy's birthday. When I asked who, he said he couldn't remember his name but he's a colleagues friends and has always turned up to dh's do!
When I said that I'm sure he'd understand that it was his an anniversary and he wouldn't be able to make it, dh replied that it was an awkward situation as the guy changed the date to fit in with dh. When he suggested 'Next Friday, then?' dh said he said yes without realising the date.

Dh has promised to stay out for only a short time, but he is going into central London and will take him about 40mins to get there from work and about an hour or so to get back home.

I'm so and [upset]

When he said 'Happy Anniversary' this morning, I acted very childishly and said 'yeah whatever' and just got back on with whatever I was doing. So he's gone to work annoyed too and will probably prefer to be out tonight instead of home!

OP posts:

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swallowedAfly · 14/08/2009 08:19

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pagwatch · 14/08/2009 08:20

Oh that sucks

Could you not do something together on sat night? Had you actually planned anything for tonight?

I think he is in the wrong and should definately have changed the date. But you should try and salvage something. Especially as it is your tenth.
Poor you.

Jklm · 14/08/2009 08:32

I hadn't really planned much. I just thought we could have a take away tonight and just realax.

I'll leave it up to him if we're going to do anything tomorrow (and he'd better do!)

I think I'm more angry that he only told me last night when he could have told me ages ago. Men!

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CCJD · 14/08/2009 08:46

Oh I would be annoyed in this instance - my dh has been out on occasion over the years for aniversaries and birthdays BUT he has been working (contractually obliged to be there) or it has been with my prior agreement ( as in he asks me if I mind and I am free to say actually yes I do ) -for him to miss it for somebody whose name he can't even remember is rubbish - even though this guy had rearranged plans for him there isn't a man out there that wouldn't understand him pulling out because it's his anniversary !!
To try and salvage the night why don't you arrange to meet him wherever they are going and then you two can go on from there for a bite to eat - perfect solution - he gets to honour this arrangement and celebrate his anniversary.
Hope the evening works out in the end.

MmeLindt · 14/08/2009 08:55

YANBU, but it sounds more like it was a mistake by your DH. Is he often a bit scatty about dates?

Could you get a babysitter and meet him in London later on? If he is going from work you could still time to go out together.

Callisto · 14/08/2009 09:00

Why are anniversaries such a big deal?

HecatesTwopenceworth · 14/08/2009 09:01

YANBU because it matters to you. However, you should remember that anniversaries don't generally matter as much (if anything!) to men as they do to women. Women tend to have these emotional ties to these special occasions, whereas it seems men don't. They do the anniversary thing more for their partner than anything. How many men would choose to celebrate anniversaries if their partner wasn't bothered? Not many, I bet.

I'm basing this on the men I know. I know I'll get lots of "my husband loves anniversaries" posts but I ask you - is he doing it because HE wants to celebrate the anniversary, or because he knows you want to, plus he's hoping for some sex?

WidowWadman · 14/08/2009 09:04

So you actually hadn't even planned anything? In that case I think YABU.

twoclimbingboys · 14/08/2009 09:07

YANBU - I would be annoyed

but, I couldn't show it if my DH did the same thing as a few years ago I forgot our first anniversary tbh , which he just found hilarious.

secretgardin · 14/08/2009 09:19

YANBU - as it obviously means so much to you.

must admit that dh and i have forgotton 5 out of 7 anniversaries, including the first one we have even squabled on wether it was the 24th or 26th and had to dig out our marriage certificate for confirmation

Dizzyclarebear · 14/08/2009 09:29

YANBU - I'd be sooo angry - and why hasn't he planned anything for your 10th anniversary? That's shockingly bad behaviour! I would expect a lot of crawling before you forgive this one. (Ideally crawling with diamonds, it's your 10th FFS! Lack of sparkles should only be allowed if large amounts of effort are put in, he can't get away with neither!)

pagwatch · 14/08/2009 09:37

Anniversarys have sometimes been important to us and sometimes not. But once we got through the first dozen or so they become more important.
It is healthy and enjoyable to reflect upon this thing we have built and worked at and achieved.
Why should we not?

10 years together is usually an achievement. It is great to celebrate that. At least as much so as a birthday which simply celebrates managing not to expire in the previous 12 months

gingernutlover · 14/08/2009 09:40

I think YANBU to be a bit upset that he waited til now to tell you and also that he refused to change his plans. Things like this always make you feel last in line don't they! Like the person who's name he can't remember is more important than you.

Maybe next time make sure you have chatted about what you are going to do well ahead of time, even if it is just, we'll stay in and have a takeaway.

I have say though, dizzyclarebear why is it up to him to organise it?

PrettyCandles · 14/08/2009 09:45

YANBU.

Even if the other guy did change the dates to fit in, dh should be man enough to phone up and say to him "Sorry, I goofed."

I hope he said "Sorry, I goofed." to you!

You, his wife, should come first, before some guy whose name he can't remember.

I forgot our anniversary this year, and made plans for the date. Dh was very hurt and I apologised to him and phoned up immediately to cancel my arrangements, which, as with your dh's, were for the following day.

Jklm · 14/08/2009 09:50

We'd actually planned to go away but it didn't work out.

Dh never mentioned anything about going out on Fri night. He did know that we were going to celebrate it as I did mention it. We have a 3 and 1 yr old so we wouldn't have been going out in the eve.
If he'd told me before last night that he had to go out then I wouldn't be so disappointed today.

I don't make a big deal of anniversaries or birthdays in the way of presents but I do like to mark them somehow - a day out or a nice meal in or out. It is important to me and I love to celebrate achievements and dh does know this after all this time.
And I do think this is an achievement after all the ups and downs we've been through.

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Jklm · 14/08/2009 09:53

Gingernutlover I think you've got it spot on. I do feel less important than the guy who's name he can't remember.

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Sn0wflake · 14/08/2009 09:54

OK if this were my husband I would be miffed but we are only coming up to our first anniversary (been together for 7 years through). However I have learnt it's better just to tell him what I want out of an event rather than expecting him to mind read. And he does like celebrations, marking anniversaries especially when there is nice food involved... definitely the way to his heart is through his stomach.

I also sulk when I get upset but it doesn't usually get me anywhere.

If I were you I would send him a calm e-mail explaining why you are upset. That you want to salvage the evening and that from your perspective 10 years of marriage trumps a drink with a man he can't remember the name of. That he should just explain the situation to the friend and come home or whatever else you want to do.

Don't just sit at home fuming and allow this to go ahead and then throw it back in his face for the next 10 years. Give him a chance to rectify things....then if he doesn't take the hint - you have every right to throw a wobbly I would say.

Dizzyclarebear · 14/08/2009 09:55

well, Gingernutlover, I tend to think just because he's married me doesn't mean he gets away with not spoiling me every now and then.

pagwatch · 14/08/2009 10:00

I agree with snowflakes approach. Sending him an email explaining your point of view. He may just be being really dim and need it explained. There is a difference between a person who says 'dammit I muddled the date - but I am not changing it again' and a person who says 'fuck the anniversary - I am off out'

I only differ in one point.
I would let him go out with the guy and try again on sat with a clean slate.
If he changes his plans ( EVEN THOUGH HE SHOULD) he will feel resentful and it will cloud your evening. Worse you may feel that you are under pressure to make the evening work because you 'made' him be there.
I would rather not celebrate if I thought I had had to demand his presence.

Mumcentreplus · 14/08/2009 10:03

YANBU - I'd be contemplating some kind of husband torture!

I would be the same because anniverssaries are important to us and we celebrate every year, not always in a spectacular way, sometimes just hanging out together/going for dinner.
We have both forgotten at different times but someone usually remembers ,I'm not particularly a dates person and don't celebrate any others so this is one thats special to me.
after 10 years I think he knows how important the date is to you both...and telling me the day ..I would be pissed...
but whats done is done...when you are feeling better send him a love text and maybe do what others have suggested and meet up with him later on.

Happy Anniversary

Sn0wflake · 14/08/2009 10:08

Just been thinking about this again.....is this usual behaviour on his part? I would hate to be wrong...or get hopes up or anything but you don't think he might be planning something of a surprise and wanted to wrong foot you?

It's just not remembering the name of the guy is a bit fishy and it is 10 years, and you had planned something bigger but had to cancel. If it sounds entirely like him then ignore me completely.

Mumcentreplus · 14/08/2009 10:09

Just read you can't go out!...do what Pagwatch suggested and start again Saturday..brekkie in bed served by semi naked DH? ..

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Jklm · 14/08/2009 10:15

Aah thanks Mumcentreplus

I've got over it now and feel much better now thanks to everyone.

I think you're right Pagwatch. I'll forget about it for today and see what pans out tomorrow.

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Jklm · 14/08/2009 10:18

I wish snowflake!

He couldn't be planning much. We'd still have to be at home. There is no way he'd be organised enough to plan something AND sort out babysitting.

He's usually lovely and we have a good relationship. Its just one of those things.

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gingernutlover · 14/08/2009 10:20

i do think though, you should text or email or phone him and explain why you are upset, apologise for the comment this morning (if you want to ) and ask what he would like to plan for saturday night instead.

that way you are giving him the chance to make you feel important but not having another argument about it

would that work?

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