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to think that marriage is forever?

(18 Posts)
ac27 Wed 12-Aug-09 22:40:45

I'm beginning to think I am unreasonable.

I met my DH when I was 22, all high on love and destiny. I'm 30 now, married for 4 years, 2 beloved DC.

DH and I have nothing in common - I know now that we never did. He blames me for all his failings. Drinks. Drinks. Blames. Shouts.

I'm not perfect either.

And I love him. Still, the first flush having worn away, he can walk into a room and my heart lifts.

But I'm beginning to think that maybe, life is too short. Maybe, I'd rather be lonely alone, than lonely with him.

Maybe marriage - that I believed in so unthinkingly age 26 - is actually a nonsense. A ridiculous legal concoction, that does nothing real for anybody.

AIBU?

bruffin Wed 12-Aug-09 22:53:51

YABU
I celebrated my 18th wedding anniversary on Monday and yes we have had our ups and downs. Ds suffers from stress and depression but I think it's been worth while and I would never be without him.
Yes the first flush does wear off, but we are very comfortable in each others company. I do think children do put a lot of strain on the marriage especially in the early days but that gets easier as they get older.

But my mother stayed married to my Dad for 30 years when she should have left him a long time before. Even then she still loved him and went to visit him regularly.

famishedass Wed 12-Aug-09 23:11:07

Why did you marry a drinker?

ac27 Wed 12-Aug-09 23:16:12

famishedass - Didn't know I had at the time. We were young. We used to drink socially together. I never really gave thought to the fact that he used to get catatonic, because he wasn't alone among his friends.

It was only once we had children and he still kept drinking as if we were 25 and carefree, that I began to notice. And it's got steadily worse. Drinks alone. Drinks to cope with any kind of emotion. Goes AWOL. Gets nasty.

Part of me feels hopeful that he'll lick it, that we'll sort our relationship out, that we can be properly happy.

Part of me thinks - marriage is a whitewash. Should cut my losses.

Although I do know it's not that simple....

Silver1 Wed 12-Aug-09 23:18:29

You need to go to ALATEEN- he needs to sort himself out.
YANBU to think marriage is forever- if he still makes your heart lift it would be hard to take that into another relationship.

ac27 Wed 12-Aug-09 23:22:17

Silver1 - thanks. You've put the heart of it really well.

I've been advised to go to AlAnon before, don't know about Alateen.

This is not what I imagined when I said my vows. Nor when we were planning children. He still makes my heart lift, but th ebig, angry bottle of whisky doesn't.

famishedass Wed 12-Aug-09 23:22:44

That sounds really shitty for you ac27 - sorry if I was a bit blunt earlier. Is it just the drinking that's the problem? Would things be a lot better if he sorted that out. When you say he gets nasty, do you mean physically?

HecatesTwopenceworth Wed 12-Aug-09 23:25:14

YABU to decide anything about marriage itself based just on your own. I am truly sorry that your marriage is unhappy and I hope you sort it out, but that's your marriage, not the institution of marriage. Many people are married for 20, 30, 40, 50 years and have spent them in love. There is nothing wrong with the idea of marriage for anyone because your marriage is not working.

I know it's easy to say, but based on your posts I really think you should cut your losses. It sounds a very lonely, horrible life. You're unhappy, he's probably unhappy and 2 unhappy parents mean the kids are unhappy, so who's benefiting?

Blondeshavemorefun Wed 12-Aug-09 23:25:37

if you still love him and he loves you - then there is hope

a friend got divorced last year after being with her man 30years as they werent getting on anymore and not having sex/romance etc

she said she didnt want to spend the rest of her life, possibly 30 years (if lived to 80) not being loved (shes 50)

but yes, i believe marriage is for keeps-but obv sometimes you have to walk away if there is abuse etc

ac27 Wed 12-Aug-09 23:25:54

famishedass - No, not physically. Poor DH! Feel guilty now for implying he's a wife-beater.

Verbally nasty. Really horrible stuff. That he doesn't remember saying the next day, naturellement.

I do love him. I just don't know if I believe in any of it any more - marriage, harmony, you name it!

ac27 Wed 12-Aug-09 23:29:41

HecatesTwo - even without any drinking etc, are two people really meant to bind themselves to each other for life? I just don't know what I believe anymore.

Thanks really so much for all responses. I'm going to bed now, but will check back in the morning with interest! Thanks again.

HecatesTwopenceworth Wed 12-Aug-09 23:33:25

"Meant" to? no. that implies they are supposed to, ought to, should. Nope.

Want to, like to, enjoy ... on the other hand. Very much so. To share your life with someone, to love and to be loved. Who doesn't want that?

My grandparents were married for over 50 years until grandma's death. They were devoted to each other for all those years. So deeply in love. The downside to that of course, is that Grandad, at 86, is alone and a broken man. But true, lasting, devotion for over half a century - they had it. It exists.

proverbial Thu 13-Aug-09 00:35:36

Yabu to decide that everyone elses marriage must be a sham because your own isn't working.
Yanbu to feel terrible about it though. But its up to you to do something about it.....

mrsboogie Thu 13-Aug-09 00:39:56

its not marriage that is the problem here - it is him. If you weren't married things would be no different. You can't go on the way you have been - life is too short. Why not have trial separation and see if he can sort himself out? see whether he loves you or the drink?

SolidGoldBrass Thu 13-Aug-09 00:53:43

'Marriage' is a constructed institution and a pretty adaptable one. Its main purposes have always been the securing of property rights/inheritance and the securing of women's domestic/sexual/childbearing services for individual men. Other than that, what constitutes a good or proper marriage has always been influenced by the conditions of the time; when there are more women than men, marriages have often involved one man and several women, for instance. This is usually sold to women as being for their benefit ie an unmarried woman is a Bad Thing, though marriage in general benefits men far more than it does women.
Though right now, in your case, the ever-changing institution of marriage is not your problem. Your problem is that you have an abusive alcoholic living in your house. And nothing you can do will make him change until he decides he is ready to change, so you need to take steps to look after yourself and your DC, which may mean either leaving or getting him out of the house.

poshsinglemum Thu 13-Aug-09 10:26:08

YANBU if it is a poor marriage.

YABU if it is a good marriage.

Every marriage is different.

I have never been married but then I am a cynical old bat!

Ydolem Thu 13-Aug-09 11:02:14

Cut your losses, you are way too young to be putting up with this nonsense. If you were alone with you DH then one could say put up with his dastardly ways - and they are abuse is abuse whether verbally, physically or emotionally - but you have 2 kids who are going to grow up seeing this. I guess think of it this if this was your kid in the same situation what would you say to them?? Do you want your kids to grow up believing that that's what marriage is? Sure he makes your heart fly but the moment you decide to bring kids into this world, it stops just being about YOUR heart but you have a responsibility to them. Them seeing you being verbally abused is a form of emotional abuse for them too (and dont think kids dont notice these things they do). Think about what's best for your kids.

expatinscotland Thu 13-Aug-09 11:04:11

YABU.

Marriage is a promise between two people.

Love, honour, cherish.

When one person breaks that, say, by abuse or cheating, the contract's null and void, IMO.

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