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to just want dh and the PFB to myself in the first few hours?

(74 Posts)
isoldeone Mon 10-Aug-09 10:21:07

12 days to EDD
a few twinges here and there. Am desperate yo give birth in the middle of night as MIL ( who I really get on with) said last week ( admittedly when tiddly) said you need to find out if I can sit in the the maternity lounge ( I think DH described the set up after seeing it on a powerpoint at antenatal class - some kind of inner lounge on the ward for fathers/ family surrounded by delivery rooms) so I can support DH " I won't come into delivery suite of course. " I knew IL's would rush down ( 2hr drive) as soon as baby came into world and tbh honest I did not mind this at all but once the labour is over I can't refuse people not come in for at least an hour or so or can I? Just want to bond as a new little family as dappy as that sounds - will happily welcome family during visiting hours. My mum and dad can't make it straight away ( elderly ) - know my mum will be very hurt by others being there before she can . Don't even want to get into the mum v mil "we will help you afterwards and stay scenario" that's raised it's head already . I haven't said anything and have realised with horror because I haven't - Mum and MIl have made tentative plans and it's all going to end in tears ( probably mine) They don't particularly get on - cordial polite relationship ( 20 year age difference) . My mum can be really difficult and my MIL is very understanding but feel overwhelmed at this stage and don't have the balls to say " give me space - I can do this on my own and will want no matter how bloody difficult it will be " Plus felt awful as MIL mentioned again SIL banned MIL for a day or two after her dc birth and MIl seemed so happy she will be around for mine . Haven't had the guts to bring it up with DH as nothing is certain and noone obviously knows when baby will come.

Shall I keep sticking my head in the sand and just concentrate on baby and let them all get on with it?

wishingchair Mon 10-Aug-09 10:27:17

I think there's a half way house here. Immediately after the baby is born you won't be in a fit state to see ANYONE. You'll be very messy and will need some kind of bath. At this point, DH gets to spend some time with new baby, therefore I envisage this is perfect time for him to show new arrival to inlaws in the inner lounge. You stagger back to bed, possibly still not in any fit state to see anyone, and get little one back.

All I will say regarding help is that you will be 100% focused on the baby. Just coping with the after effects of birth, and then getting to grips with feeding, sleep deprivation and the overwhelming feeling of being responsible for another human being means you haven't got the focus or the energy to do much else. In those early days it is lovely to have someone else doing the laundry, cooking and cleaning so you and DH get to love your baby.

With respect to your mum and MILs differences ... I would try to stay out of it and let them get on with it. They're adults after all and you don't need the hassle ... easier said than done I know grin

LittleSilver Mon 10-Aug-09 10:31:23

Difficult situation, you sound as if you are being very considerate of everyone's feelings. But what about yours? (and as new mum, you get to call shots!)

TBH, I think this may be out of your hands, as I would be very surprised if mws allowed visitors whilst you are on delivery suite - you do not get rushed up to PN ward for a while and IME only allow birth partners on delivery suite. But they DO heavily emphasise "alone time" for parents and babes and I think would discourage your Mil from bounding in.

beanieb Mon 10-Aug-09 10:36:04

I think talk to your DH about it. Does sound like your MIL now has expectations about being allowed in early and you run the risk of upsetting her but better to explain it to her tactfully now than the day of the birth IMO

Snufflebufty Mon 10-Aug-09 10:36:36

Hi there

I was the same when our pfb was born. Fortunately for us, our hospital only allows the father in outwith visiting hours so we got to spend a good few hours getting used to our daughter, being able to bf in peace etc before we were descended on by grandparents.

I wouldnt be surprised if your hospital wont allow visitors to sit around in the labour lounge at the moment due to the increase in swine flu outbreaks. Even if they do allow it, you could use that as an excuse for them to stay away for a while.

We didnt even mention what would happen once baby arrived regarding anyone staying over to help out, we just mentioned how much we were looking forward to having baby home and doing all the baby things together. This seemed to get our point across and we were left alone for the first couple of days.

I know how you feel about sticking your head in the sand. If nothing else works, I would be tempted to let them all get on with it. If it gets too much, you can always retreat to your room with baby 'for skin to skin contact', then you get peace and cuddles with your baby!

hth

OnlyWantsOne Mon 10-Aug-09 10:38:00

I think you should talk to your DP about this.

My MIL was waiting on my door step at 8am when we got back from the hosptal. All i wanted to do was to take my DD back to bed and cuddle her. Instead I had to endure my fucking IL's and my XDP swooning and making irritating noises at her.

Seriously, sort it - or you will be resentful of the first few hours of your DC's life was spent feeling miserable.

As for your mum, Im sorry I found having my mum around fantastic, even though she's more elderly, she was a great friend to me when my DD was born. And my parents had the decency to not just turn up at mine after DD's birth - and called before they came round. They were very shocked when they discovered tht my MIL had the cheeck to be at mine at 8am!!

Callisto Mon 10-Aug-09 10:38:07

Can you not just tell both sides that you want 24hrs with your DH and new baby to yourself? I really didn't want to see anyone at all when I'd first had DD - mainly due to sheer knackeredness, but also because I wanted to get used to DD and basic stuff like picking her up/puttin her down, if she would stop crying if I held her, feeding etc. DD was the first new born I had ever held (at the advanced age of 37) so I really didn't want an (in my mind critical) audience watching me fumbling around. I doubt very much if either side will be offended if you say 'no visitors' and if they are it is their problem.

Reallytired Mon 10-Aug-09 10:39:41

Your labour and you can do what you like. The inlaws might sulk, but they will get over it.

If I was you. I would phone them an hour after the birth of the baby or 9am the following morning if the baby is born in the middle of the night.

OnlyWantsOne Mon 10-Aug-09 10:40:02

next baby i have, there will be an answer phone machine, and a note on the door saying that we want peace and quiet grin

OnlyWantsOne Mon 10-Aug-09 10:40:32

yeah, dont mention you're in labour!!

SecretSlattern Mon 10-Aug-09 10:40:59

My mum and MIL were both there immediately after the birth of both of my DCs. In fact, mum watched DD being born, MIL came in (and was allowed!) as I was being stitched up, and was encouraged to give DD her first feed (formula)

When DS was born, mum was with me for the whole thing (as well as DH - my choice) until I was taken to theatre for the forceps. Whilst I was in labour, MIL was in and out a couple of times (didn't really care tbh, too spaced out on various drugs).

I would speak to DH and find out what his feelings are on the matter. It didn't really bother me too much about MIL popping in and out because I saw it that it was as much an experience for her son, as it was for me and my mum iyswim. We're not that close either but if you're not happy with the arrangement, you need to say something otherwise you'll end up resenting both of them.

CMOTdibbler Mon 10-Aug-09 10:43:04

Just don't tell them when you go into labour - DH can phone them when you have had the baby, had a bath etc, then if they have to drive for two hours you'll get a decent amount of time on your own before they turn up in visiting hours.

No one in our families knew until DS turned up as I went into labour in the night and DH reasoned there was no need for them to be woken up (and was too busy driving down)

Just get DH's story straight that you just needed him too much for him to go outside and make phonecalls grin

Meglet Mon 10-Aug-09 10:43:09

I hated it when everyone came to see me in the hospital after having an em cs with ds sad. And they all turned up at our house over the next week while I was drugged up on pain relief and permanently attatched to the breast pump as he wouldn't latch. It was horrible. I wouldn't dream of imposing myself on anyone with a new baby now I've had my own.

I think your DH needs to stand his / your ground and ask (tell?) your MIL to keep at a distance while you get used to your baby. If you do upset anyone you can blame it all on hormones afterwards!

If your family are willing to help when needed (shopping / bit of tidying) then try and keep on their good side, but if they are going to invade and take over and expect cups of tea being made then you need to go with your instinct and ask for some time to yourself for the first few days with just the odd short visit.

stealthsquiggle Mon 10-Aug-09 10:45:02

There is a coward's way out here - if your DP will support you - just wait a little while after LO arrives before you call either set of parents - and then hide behind the staff for a while as they are more than happy to exclude people except in specified hours.

Once home it is clearly trickier and I think you may have to face up to it and check with DM and MIL what their 'tentative' plans actually are.

KingRolo Mon 10-Aug-09 10:45:43

Could you just not tell them about the birth until you have had chance to spend some time together?

Just lie and say that mobile phones aren't allowed in the delivery suite. That's what we did.

LittleSilver Mon 10-Aug-09 10:48:32

I seriously can't believe how insensitive some Mils are (doorstep at 8am?) My ILs can down for a few days when DD3 was a few days old - well, OK, but I wish they had stayed in a travelodge or something as I was exhausted with three under 4s and on top of all that had to COOK proper meals and share the one bathroom. If I was a MiL I would turn up when convenient bearing several casserole dishes and get the hoover out. I wouldn't sit around expecting cups of tea and meals.

Lizzylou Mon 10-Aug-09 10:49:03

I think you can strike a happy medium, but make sure she is aware of what the limits are.
With DS1, PIL's and my Mother waited in the lounge outside the delivery suite (poor them, they were there for hours!). They all just popped in quickly (cooed for 5mins and gave me a hug) once I had given birth and then were gone until we got home.

DH was glad that they were there as I had a long labour and almost had an emergency section, he was shattered and scared tbh. All was well, but this was our first so not quite what we had expected.
With DS2, PIL were looking after DS1 and my Mom came up the day after (she lives 2hours+ away).

LittleSilver Mon 10-Aug-09 10:49:25

Sorry, yes, your labour, you decide. Don't feel pressured or I think you will regret it.

OnlyWantsOne Mon 10-Aug-09 10:52:22

my DM bless her turned up with a huge fish pie

IL's expected tea and biscuits and stayed all day - i think in the end i literally kicked them out then had a huge row with XDP and made him sleep on the sofa. Joy

tobago04 Mon 10-Aug-09 10:53:41

I agree with kingrolo,just don't tell them til after,say it happened so quickly that you did'nt have chance to ring,they wont know the exact time of the birth so just tell them when your ready,good luck

TEJQ Mon 10-Aug-09 10:55:34

I can sympathise with that.

My hubby was the only one with me until I'd had a sleep and got myself together. With DS2 and DS3 I was insistent that THEY met babe first and without any other visitors.

After that it was all comers.

No I wouldn't want my mum or MIL waiting in the wings thanks, I know some do, but for me its as intimate a time as the conception and I didn't want them sat outside the door then either!!

MamaLazarou Mon 10-Aug-09 11:03:54

Poor you - you can do without worries like this at the moment.

Unless you or your DP can persuade the MIL to keep her distance until she is asked to visit, I would just avoid all telephone contact until you are ready to see people. You are perfectly entitled to choose how to spend the first few hours of your baby's life.

Good luck. xx

MamaLazarou Mon 10-Aug-09 11:05:07

"its as intimate a time as the conception and I didn't want them sat outside the door then either!!"

Well said! grin

tryingtobemarypoppins Mon 10-Aug-09 11:06:45

Simply lie! Don't tell anyone you don't want around you that you have gone into labour! 24 hours is a long time, you could even lie about the delivery time!

Bathsheba Mon 10-Aug-09 11:13:00

Our hospital is brilliant - we simply have nowhere for families to wait...

I think its a throwback to eithr 1950's films or American Movies (Parenthood, various episodes of Friends) that people believe there is a place to wait. In my hospital there simply isn't. If you aren't the birth partner in the labour room with the woman, then you aren't in the hospital, simple as that.

I can understand she wants to see her grandchild quickly, but honestly, immediately afterward isn't the time. After you have had a shower etc - a couple of hours later - is.

If you get along brilliantly with her then say to her that really you'd like a couple of hours and then she is more than welcome. If you don;t get on or you don't think she'll respect that, then you need to employ some subterfuge and not even let her know baby is ehre until after the allotted time - or tell her your hospital has a policy like mine.

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