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to actually really hate my MIL?

(20 Posts)
Irishlass10 Mon 10-Aug-09 09:00:05

my relationship with my MIL has always been rocky, she is like a viper, fine one minute, strikes the next. She has reduced me to tears on many occasions so I avoid going through to see her as much as possible. My DH takes our DC. Except last weekend we all went through, she spoke to our DC like she really couldn't be bothered with them at all, not loving, warm or kind. If they ask for anything her comment is always "No! the rules in this house are .." and she goes over my head all the time, if I say they can do one thing she will tell they can't which i hate - i'm the mother!! The last straw was when she used emotional blackmail on our youngest DC "give me a kiss or you won't get sweets". I'm really angry about it. What do I do?

sarah293 Mon 10-Aug-09 09:03:28

Message withdrawn

MovingOutOfBlighty Mon 10-Aug-09 09:05:46

How does your DH feel about all this?
Is he concerned? I woudl hate it if my DH made a massive issue about how my mum talked to my kids, even if it was a bit hmm.

Are the dcs really suffering by the way she is talking to them? If so, then you have cause for concern. If not and they seem fairly happy with the situation, go back to your DH just taking them. Hate to say it, but your MIL would probably be happier with that as well.

Could you sit down and talk to her? Also, go online to 'thetimesonline.co.uk' and look for the article that was in the style section on MILs. It was there yesterday and quite good.

Irishlass10 Mon 10-Aug-09 09:09:54

my DH takes our DC but about once a year he insists I go too. I hate the thought of them being spoken to like that, being yelled at by MIL but especially being forced to show her some love and affection if they don't want to. I think she is v manipulative and when I witnessed her telling my youngest DC that she wouldn't get sweets if she didn't kiss her I honestly could have realy lost my temper, my poor DC was confused and nearly in tears.

MovingOutOfBlighty Mon 10-Aug-09 09:12:15

I would get DH to have a word with her about the whole kissy thing. How old is your DC?

Otherwise, for once a year I would suck it up and go, and smile. Then say 'you don't have to kiss granny for the sweets, I will buy you some later if you don't want to.' I would then smile at her sweetly!

motherbeyond Mon 10-Aug-09 09:24:28

god she sounds like a right evil old cow!..fear not ladies,one day it will only be ur dh's suffering these awful women.kids are very loyal creatures you know,and will realise one day that their granny is mean to mummy and make their own choices.

my own paternal grandmother used to sit in an armchair chain smoking and slagging of my lovely mum,whilst watching highway to heaven!

when i was old enough i just refused to visit.end of.didn't even go to her funeral the other year.NO ONE messes with MY mum!grin

so,irishlass your dc's are not daft,and one day they will realise that your MIL is a prize bitch,and refuse to see her.

btw...i would expect your dh to say something to her to be honest.if my MIL had reduced me to tears (unlikely,but she can try!)he would definitley say something to her along the lines of " irishlass is my family now, i expect you to treat her as such,or we will have to reconsider spending time with you,ok?" ..and he is also a good irish boy!but he would say it and mean it,and i would expect nothing less grin

i think these women have some kind of problem accepting that another women is now the light of their sons life and the only way to make themselves feel less redundant is to berate the source of their woes. i'm sure she is delighted when she makes you cry.try and hold it in until your well out of her sight.then bawl your eyes out!grin

sleeplessinstretford Mon 10-Aug-09 09:28:23

mine's a vile bitch,really unpleasant (to me) and sneaky with it (manages to get sympathy) i can't begin to list the shit she's done,i have no idea why she behaves the way she does but i actually think she's got proper issues.
on the other hand she's a 'good granny' and therefore next week we are going and i'll plaster a smile on my face and accompany dp and dd2 to see her (a 5 hour journey for a 36 hour stop over,it's all i can stand) the only reason i go is to piss her off (all she wants is access to dp and dd2 without me figuring at all!) so i go and and kill her with kindness all the time making sure that i am often repeating the things she says when dp is out of earshot for him to deal with so he can see how odd she is (to me)
i think you may be looking for a problem with the way she is with your kids to validate your own poor relationship with her- you don't need to do that! we believe you!

Irishlass10 Mon 10-Aug-09 09:37:56

I'm thinking that she is jealous of my parents who look after them quite frequently and from time to time the DC stay overnight at their house etc. I would never ever let them stay with her for obvious reasons (she shows no love to them, speaks sarcastically and puts them down all the time). One DC told me at the weekend she had been telling MIL about my parents so I think she is jealous - hence the "in this house the rules are.." comments. I don't see any solution as my DH knows I would never leave them with her and he would never suggest such a thing either. I know I should just stay away as every time we do meet something happens to make me angry and upset for weeks and weeks afterwards. One day she showed her true colours in front of her, screaming and yelling at me in front of him and the DC and he now knows what she's like. The main thing that upsets me with this is the emotional blackmail that probably takes place when I'm not there.

blinks Mon 10-Aug-09 09:55:14

well i wouldn't go to see her.

i would also expect some support from my husband.

is he afraid of her?

motherbeyond Mon 10-Aug-09 10:58:48

irishlass...shockyou're dp seriously needs to grow a pair!that is outrageous. would he allow a stranger to scream at you infront of your dc?id presume not.the same should apply here.it doesn't matter if it is his own physcotic mother or a stranger.people that can't play nicely,don't get to play at all.end game,take your ball home

somewhathorrified Mon 10-Aug-09 11:07:12

Next time you go take a bag of sweets with you...when she tries to blackmail kids to give a kiss ask them "do you want to give granny a kiss?" whatever the answer give them a sweet saying "that's for making a grown up decision"...stand back and watch MiL fume grin

giveloveachance Mon 10-Aug-09 11:16:10

trouble is there are so many threads on here where the crux of the matter is a controlling MIL and a DP or DH who just wont stand up for his partner/wife against the mother. Men want an easy life and so many just won't as you say grow a pair!

You are right to be angry but you need to deal with it at the time you will feel a whole lot better - and if MIL starts on you just pack up your kids and leave. Remember you have the control they are your kids and its up to you who they see.

deaddei Mon 10-Aug-09 12:06:05

I see mine twice a year under sufference. She too manipulates the children- but they see right through her now, and hate having to visit.She shows no interest in them whatsoever-but we never stop hearing about the gcs in Australia.
She told dh I wasn't good enough - she's never ever worked (was literally brought up to get married and had 9 children), and to hear her, you'd think she was the best mother on earth. Dh has no relationship with her- hated his childhood.
She insists on bringing up topics of conversation to get up your nose- then puts on a fake "oh I know nothing, I'm only a woman" attitude if someone stands up to her.
She once asked me if I'd go to her funeral- I said I wouldn't!!!

blinks Mon 10-Aug-09 12:12:34

ORRRRRRRRRRRR take the sweets as somewhathorrified suggests but every time she offends you fling one at her head.

aim for her third eye.

Irishlass10 Mon 10-Aug-09 13:11:18

the timesonline article was very good. I know this feeling of anger will go .... and I will speak to my husband tonight about her (again). As you all say, I will just keep away she isn't interested in seeing me - my DH actually once said he wonders why he takes the DC through as she doesn't seem interested half the time !!

bigchris Mon 10-Aug-09 13:25:30

i think your lucky only having to see her once a year and never having to stay

i have to have my inlaws to stay about three times a year and have to stay with them twice a year
i too do the two nights maximum rule and its a six hour journey sad

deaddei Mon 10-Aug-09 13:31:30

Irishlass, I would refuse to go and suggest dh does the deed. He has to be honest with his mother about how she is, and that in future, he will visit but as she obviously doesn't like you, there's no point in you having anything to do with her.
When we visit, I can feel the tension building up in the car journey and it's horrible. In fact, next time dh suggests a visit, I think I'll back out.

sleeplessinstretford Mon 10-Aug-09 13:34:59

it's a nightmare isn't it?
I think it is quite hard for dp as he must be used to her now and can't see it.When the old biddy came last year for the christening the bag forgot the babies godfather/dp's best mate was in the room and had a proper bitch fest at me while he was out before recovering her composure as he arrived back.As dps best mate said 'he really really doesn't see it does he?' and he doesn't...
he feels sorry for her because she is on her own (his dad left her for another woman) it's hardly fucking surprising-i am surprised he only left her and didn't swing for her. and to be really really petty she pisses all over my toilet seat and then only wipes half of it up.
this means that i know she knows that she's done it,and therefore she knows i have to wipe her minging piss up (and for the record there is no evidence of this in her own house on her own loo so i assume she hovers and does a sort of hula hoop action when pissing to get the amount of coverage and wetness she does)GAH
roll on a week on wednesday eh???

deaddei Mon 10-Aug-09 13:42:06

That is gross Sleepless....
i am lucky in that my inlaws have NEVER in 2 years been to visit us. We have invited them (in a halfhearted way) but then the weird daughter would have to drive them, and that's a whole new thread.

deaddei Mon 10-Aug-09 13:42:30

Sorry- that should have been 12 years.

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