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To have sent this text?

(47 Posts)
LoveMyGirls Sat 08-Aug-09 20:24:15

I have just sent this text to a friend I have been friends with for 15
years, we go through stages of being closer than other times but generally we have always been there for each other. I asked her to be my bridesmaid because I couldn't imagine getting married and her not being a big part of my day, the getting ready together, hen do, choosing dresses etc

In the past 17months there have been numerous times I have asked her to come to something wedding related (looking for dresses or shoes or make up trial for us all) and she has declined because of other plans (fair enough at times I understand)
there have been times it's been crucial for her to be there like when they ordered their bridesmaid dresses and she has come with us but has been a bit awkward about it like it's really inconvienient even when I've given plenty of notice.

At one point I gave her the chance to not be my bridesmaid, said I really wouldn't mind if she was too busy or didn't want to. She insisted she did want to.

Now she hardly answers her phone, doesn't text me back yet if I happen to pop round she's back to how she normally is and we can spend hours chatting.

I'm upset because I text her and she doesn't reply, with 5 weeks to go I've got enough on without having to keep trying her phone etc

Today I text her to say her dress would be ready in a couple of weeks and I'm so excited etc she hasn't replied.

We're supposed to be going shopping for shoes and jewellery tomorrow and she hasn't rung me to find out what time we're going or whose picking her up etc.

AIBU to think this is rude and not the actions of a supposed best friend of 15years?

So I have sent her this text
XX will pick you up at xxam tomorrow for shopping. Also I'm a bit upset because I'm getting a bit stressed about everything and you are my bridesmaid yet you never call me, it's always me calling you. I'm also upset because I'm trying to get stuff organised and you give the impression our wedding doesnt matter to you. Maybe I'm being OTT but I thought you were one of my closest friends but at the moment it really doesn't feel like it.

Yes I've got PMT but still she's being rude surely?

LoveBeingAMummy Sat 08-Aug-09 20:27:26

Yes she's being rude and having been a bride myself you do ahve to realise that its not ev eryone else number one priority. So i think the bit about the wedding not mattering to her is a bit unreasonable but do you knw what you are allowed to be a bit like this as it is your wedding.

Maybe your just expecting too much from her?

famishedass Sat 08-Aug-09 20:27:32

Maybe she's bored of hearing about your wedding. Do you talk about other things, and things going on in her life?

Paolosgirl Sat 08-Aug-09 20:29:14

Yes, it sounds like she's being a bit thoughtless, rude etc - but why on earth would you say something as important as this in a text???

Dior Sat 08-Aug-09 20:29:43

Yes, she is not being supportive enough...BUT, you should not have sent that text.

HecatesTwopenceworth Sat 08-Aug-09 20:30:19

A wedding never matters to anyone as much as the bride! is she in a relationship? maybe she is a little envious? or just jealous of the attention you're getting? or maybe something is going on in her life that is not about you in any way?

I think what you said - well the feeling behind it - was fine. But I think that the mature thing to do would have been to said it to her not texted it! I think the language used was too emotional and critical and tbh, she may dismiss it as bridezilla!

You may well not get as good a response as if you had asked her if everything was ok because you had noticed x, y, z and wondered if she was ok. etc etc.

LoveMyGirls Sat 08-Aug-09 20:30:44

Yes I know not everyone cares about my wedding, I do talk about other stuff too, she's recently got a puppy and it was her ds's birthday and she tells me how things are with her new bloke, i know he wants to get married buy a house with her and have a baby etc I do however expect that with 5 weeks to go she could try and at least call me back or text me back at the least.
Even if it's not everyone's priority I do think my bridesmaids should care more than most other people.

LIZS Sat 08-Aug-09 20:31:24

It is n't her day , it's yours and therefore has much more improtance to you than her. Maybe she is just preoccupied and finds it hard to get as excited as you seem to expect.

NorthernLurker Sat 08-Aug-09 20:31:25

You've been going on about your wedding for 17 months and you're surprised she isn't leaping about the place with excitement hmm

She said she would be a bridesmaid not sign her life and her weekends over to you and if you sent me a text like that I'd tell you to stuff your dress and your friendship!

LoveMyGirls Sat 08-Aug-09 20:32:20

I have been ringing her and she's not answering, not just today but a few times lately. I'm hurt. I don't want to be bridezilla.

Tinker Sat 08-Aug-09 20:32:35

I think I'd back off if you wanted to drag me round to wedding related events all teh time. No, your wedding won't matter much to her - why should it? And what is she really meant to say in response to the text about the dress? Maybe she is being a bit casual but, reading between the lines from this post, I can see why?

Scotia Sat 08-Aug-09 20:33:00

Well if she's bored of hearing about it, she should have taken the chance to not be the op's bridesmaid when she was offered it. She is being rude.

famishedass Sat 08-Aug-09 20:33:18

Admit it LoveMyGirls, you've turned into Bridezilla haven't you grin

icedgemsrock Sat 08-Aug-09 20:34:00

I think you were right and brave to send that text.
It's much better to get everything out in the open.
Yes maybe you should have spoken to her but that's difficult if she's not answering the phone.
If she doesn't reply and turns up tomorrow then I would mention it then.

HecatesTwopenceworth Sat 08-Aug-09 20:34:38

I think you should choose someone else to be bridesmaid if it is making you feel anxious.

This sort of thing is why I chose a quick, cheap, unstressful reg office and pub lunch and knees up at the local! grin

slayerette Sat 08-Aug-09 20:34:56

Seventeen months shock

DH and I set the date in January and were married by April and that was more than enough wedding stuff for me. But seventeen months!!! <thunk>

Paolosgirl Sat 08-Aug-09 20:35:17

Think telling her to stuff the dress and the friendship would be a bit OTT! NEVER a good idea to text someone with this kind of emotional outpouring. Texts are for "we're meeting a 2" kind of stuff.

LoveMyGirls Sat 08-Aug-09 20:35:37

The last time she did anything wedding related was when we had a girls night/ make up night at my house and that was in June so not like I'm asking her to sign every weekend to me. She was away most weekends in july and the past 2 weekends have been dp and dd1's birthday's so not like it's the only thing going on.

Scotia Sat 08-Aug-09 20:35:45

Me too Hecates

Tinker Sat 08-Aug-09 20:37:20

"At one point I gave her the chance to not be my bridesmaid, said I really wouldn't mind if she was too busy or didn't want to. She insisted she did want to."

Tell us more about this bit? When did you offer her the opportunity to escape? Did she "insist" or just politely answer, "yes, of course I want to be your bridesmaid" It's quite hard to back out if you feel the ball is already rolling.

Spidermama Sat 08-Aug-09 20:38:17

I would call her and immediately apologise for sending the text. It was wrong. But then ask if you can hook up and have a chat.

LoveMyGirls Sat 08-Aug-09 20:39:10

At the end of last year I said she didn't have to do it if she was too busy and I really wouldn't have minded, we didn't order their dresses until May so she had plenty of time to say she changed her mind.

LoveMyGirls Sat 08-Aug-09 20:41:57

if she wasn't answering my calls before i very much doubt she will answer now if she truely think's she hasn't done anything wrong, if she thought she was in the wrong I think she would have rung me back by now. sad

MollieO Sat 08-Aug-09 20:42:28

I think I disagree with just about everyone on this thread other than the OP! Being a bridesmaid carries a responsibility - handholding the bride as required during the prep and being a big part of the bride and groom's special day. It is flattering to be asked to be a bridesmaid but I think your friend should have been honest about her interest (or lack of it). I have been a bm twice. Once to my best friend from uni who lived hundreds of miles away. I lost count of the weekends I'd travel up to hers on a Friday night, sort out wedding stuff and get an early train back on Mondays.

Even allowing for the fact that your friend has children and probably is time poor it is pretty bad manners not to bother confirming an appointment the day before you are meeting.

LIZS Sat 08-Aug-09 20:45:03

That was ages ago , when the date still seemed a long way off and probably she could n't imagine not doing it either. tbh she hasn't actually let you down or said it doesn't matter to her, just not met your hypothetical expectations. At worst she has been indifferent. Have you asked her to get more involved ? I think you should apologise for accusing her of upsetting you, you make it sound as though it is deliberate.

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