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Am I AIBU or is OH?

(14 Posts)
laumiere Fri 07-Aug-09 14:04:28

Back story: I'm 29, my OH is 36 and was married before. We've been together about 4.5 years, and have 2 boys, 3.5 and 5mo. When DS1 was diagnosed as disabled, OH looked after him weekdays and worked weekends in security (which he describes as piss easy but tiring). I worked weekdays in a very challenging job and cared for DS1 on weekends. Since I went on mat leave in Jan with DS2, OH has worked full time night shifts to pay for the family. He works 7 nights in a row, has 3 or 4 days off then works another 7 nights.

This is great for the kids as he wakes at 3pm, plays with them while I cook, then helps with baths before going to work. Unfortunately it's killing me by inches, as we rarely get any time together, our sex life is non-existent and I feel that we're drifting apart. OH loves his job (basically he can surf the net and Facebook for 12 hours a night) and doesn't want to move jobs, so dismisses my concerns with either 1) we knew it was going to be hard until I went back to work in Jan, so (in his words) suck it up, or 2) on the rare occasions we do spend time together it's fun, so clearly no problem.

I should point out he can be thoughtful and sweet too, but at the moment I do feel like he's ignoring my worries! My instinct is if things aren't working, that we should work to change them, but I'm feeling increasingly fed up that I seem to have to provide all of the momentum for change.

So my problem is: most couples I know are not in this situation, so I honestly don't know if I'm whinging for no reason, or if I should be concerned about our relationship. I don't feel I can ask OH to leave a job he likes just because I'm miserable, but I seem to fight with him all the time over this, and sometimes wonder if we're meant to be together if we keep having fights.

lilacclaire Fri 07-Aug-09 14:15:17

So is it this Jan coming up that your not going back to work?

I don't really see a solution as your oh can't be in 2 places at one time and he needs to be earning.

Im afraid it looks like you will need to suck it up until you go back to work.

Perhaps you could get a babysitter once a week/fortnight/month for the time from when he is awake until the kids go to bed so you could go out for dinner/ stay in for wink

It is temporary, so I would just make do with the way it is until circumstances change.

I do see where you are coming from, I don't think either of you is bu, its just circumstances that you need to grit your teeth and get through just now.

Silver1 Fri 07-Aug-09 15:03:42

Marriages have tougher periods and easier periods. It sounds like this is a tougher period, it doesn't mean your marriage is going to end because you are not having a good time, it just means life is a bit harder for all of you right now, and it will pass in time and you will be happier again.


SixtyFootDoll Fri 07-Aug-09 15:07:35

But he has days off
Dont you spend time together then?
If he has to earn money he has to earn money

Seabright Fri 07-Aug-09 19:46:17

I agree there's not much you can do until you go back to work. I'd suggest you both start discussing now what's going to happen at that point

cocolepew Fri 07-Aug-09 19:50:37

YABU, he is working longer hours for the family, he sees and spends time with the DCs, when you are together you have fun, and this is a problem?

laumiere Fri 07-Aug-09 19:57:39

seabright and lilaclaire I will be going back to work in Jan as have to pay back my occupational mat leave. At that point OH either has to give up work to look after kids (my salary will support us both) or find a day job.

sixty and cocole I'm annoyed because there's no reason why he can't apply for daytime jobs with shorter hours now, he just doesn't want to as current job is, as he puts it, 'a piece of piss'. Seeing as I'm working 14 hour days looking after 2 kids that does wind me up a bit!

cocolepew Fri 07-Aug-09 20:01:16

Believe me laumiere having a DH in a job he hates is worse, but I can se why you would be annoyed.

lovechoc Fri 07-Aug-09 20:05:17

YABU, he's out earning money for you and the family. Sometimes they do hours we don't like, but that's life. Get used to it.

My DH does nights aswell, 12 hour shifts, then days, then nights, all mixed up, and is also studying on top of his working hours. It is hard but it's a temporary thing (the study!) so we just have to get through the tough times and realise it's not forever.

slowreadingprogress Fri 07-Aug-09 20:07:22

I think you need a plan of action.

So the children have you now - then in January when you're at work I guess the best thing for THEM is that they have daddy rather than go to some form of childcare which I am guessing would be a big adjustment for them. Is that what your OH is intending - what does he/you intend for the kids in January?

To be absolutely honest I think I would find it deeply unattractive in a man to want to keep hold of a job because it's a 'piece of piss' and he can surf the net all night....I mean, he only gets one life, where are his aspirations? What is he going to bring to the relationship if he's either with you or sitting surfing the net?!?!? In the long term, personally, I would want to know he had some goals

Overmydeadbody Fri 07-Aug-09 20:09:16


You are expecting him to make all the changes to sort out the problems you have together.

What is it you want him to do? Pack in his job? Find a day job?

Could you not spend time with him each day when he wakes up?

Overmydeadbody Fri 07-Aug-09 20:10:58

In the currant climate he might not find a day job though anyway, so he's probably better off staying put.

cupofteaplease Fri 07-Aug-09 20:14:13

My dh also works long and often unsociable hours. It is annoying as we hardly see each other, but at least he is eaning a good wage for his family at a time where jobs are scarce (we should know, he lost his job earlier in the year).

So, with regret and empathy, YABU!

laumiere Fri 07-Aug-09 21:21:15

Over Good points both, but I'm not sure what changes I can make myself, my work is re-orging so if I give up my mat leave I'm unlikely to have a job to go back to. We have the kids when OH wakes up so I make him a cup of coffee etc and we have a chat for 5 min while he has a smoke, but the boys need feeding, bathing and putting to bed so time is at a bit of a premium!

Everyone else: sincere thanks for the reality check, I think I'm too close to the situation to see it clearly.

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