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to feel really hurt again by mum

(18 Posts)
neveronamonday Thu 06-Aug-09 22:53:04

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MrsCamomile Thu 06-Aug-09 23:18:00

It sounds very upsetting but..she has an illness and that is probably behind her behaving like this. So you are not being unreasonable to be upset but you shouldn't take it to heart as you know that this is what she is like and it is part of a very complex illness which makes its sufferers behave in ways which alienates those they actually probably love most.
What she has done ie make a nice arrangement for your birthday and then, bizarrely, have a subsequent engagement, is not normal!
Accept it, arrange a lovely day for you and your family, and let it go. She is ill.
Good luck!

neveronamonday Thu 06-Aug-09 23:26:28

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skybright Thu 06-Aug-09 23:27:27

I would be very upset sad

Bigpants1 Thu 06-Aug-09 23:49:05

So sorry this has happened to you.I think perhaps you need to change your relationship with your mum. Her illness makes her unreliable, so perhaps have a relationship where you speak to eachother on the phone,see one another on a casual basis. Dont rely on her for babysitting, or days out-anything that makes you vulnerable to her mood swings or letting you down. Hopefully, that way, you wiil not get so emotionally hurt. If shes ill, try not to let the things she says and does be taken personally-easier said than done, I know, but my ds has SN and says some awful things to me, but I have to let it wash over me,or we couldnt have a relationship.
Look after yourself. Could a friend or relative babysit? If not, try and get the dc into bed early on Sat., and order a takeaway and watch a film.

neveronamonday Fri 07-Aug-09 07:32:57

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2rebecca Fri 07-Aug-09 07:45:07

This isn't part of manic depression necessarily. Most bipolar people don't change their plans at the last minute unless they were either manic when they made the plan (in which case she wouldn't have kept talking about the plan for weeks) or are manic now. Some people are just selfish and inconsiderate and think their own desire to do what they want comes before promises to other people. That's not a treatable illness like bipolar disease, that's their personality. Telling the person their behaviour is hurtful and unreasonable can make them change a bit.
Sometimes people with depression or bipolar disease (or long term physical illnesses) can become more selfish as people give them more slack re bad behaviour than healthy people. This can be detrimental as the behaviour can become worse as no consequences and friends and family drift away from them feeling the friendship is very one way.

OnlyWantsOne Fri 07-Aug-09 07:49:59

oh darling this is horrid.

I sympathise with you, my mum behaves outrageously and doesn't even realise she really upsets my siblings and I. She is an alcoholic, and is more concerned with her "pals" than us, or our kids sad

The last time her and I spoke was Wednesday last week (day before my birthday) and she told me to F off and die

She makes things up and manipulates my Dad re me, and he always tries to mediate, but whats the point if her side is all made up?

I hope others around you, can help you - maybe time and distance from her will help

SammyK Fri 07-Aug-09 07:51:07

YANBU to feel hurt, I think anyone would. I think you have the right idea changing the relationship to something that's on your terms and less likely to leave you open to being hurt again.

Have a nice day on saturday as a family if you can't find a babysitter will probably have a much nicer day anyway. smile

slowreadingprogress Fri 07-Aug-09 08:21:48

2rebeccas post is absolutely spot on.

I have worked with many people with bipolar and this is not something that is necessarily 'part of her illness' in any way at all. Of course if she is clearly manic or clearly in the depths of depression then you'd have to consider that; but as rebecca says making too many allowances because of mental health does the person no favours at all.

neveronamonday, it IS extremely sad that your mum would cancel your birthday trip, it's NOT normal and it is not at all surprising you're so upset. But equally you mustn't blame yourself for always 'going back for more' - the need to have a relationship with our mother is one of the most basic human instincts.

I think it might help to start perhaps making plans of how you can protect yourself in the future. Simple, practical steps - I don't know what will work for you but things like "I will screen calls and only speak to my mum when I want to" or "I will only speak to my mum about certain matters and not others" I don't know but you will know what is most important to you

Also, focus on what WILL happen on Monday - make sure you have a lovely day, don't make it about her make it about YOU and what you want to do....happy birthday!

neveronamonday Fri 07-Aug-09 09:12:06

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Lemonylemon Fri 07-Aug-09 11:24:34

Neveronamonday - have you considered that your Mum might be narcissistic? Someone on these boards posted a link to halcyon.com and there's a list of traits which you might like to take a peek at.

I'm really sorry to hear about this situation with your Mum - but I do think that you need to take steps to distance and protect your little family unit - that way you'll save your own sanity (for want of a much better phrase).

katiestar Fri 07-Aug-09 11:42:59

I am so sorry.It is so hurtful when your mum who is the one who is supposed to love you unconditionally ( and I'm sure she does) behaves so thoughtlessly.I do think it is a symptom of mental illness though.You really can't pigeonhole and say that X or Y isn't a symtom.
Hard as it is , I think other posters are right when they say you need to protect yourself .

wasabipeas Fri 07-Aug-09 11:59:58

Neveronamonday, I'm so sorry to hear about this.
I had a similarly dreadful relationship with my mother - she would be all sweetness and light when she wanted something and would drop me like a stone when she felt like it. I was also told she wishes I was never born and eventually told me not to consider her my mother as she doesn't consider me to be her daughter
I took her on her word and cut contact
It was tough for a few years and I had lots of pangs of guilt about it, but evetually reconciled that me and my family were never going to get anything positive out of a relationship with her, and they were now my priority.
When you feel like you constantly firefighting and damage limiting, the time came for me to question what I was getting out of this.
You wouldn't let a friend or husband treat you like that - I wasn't prepared to accept that blood ties mean being treated like shit by someone.

She also has mental health issues, which include compulsive lying and manipulation, but I also concluded that my presence would never help or improve her situtation and just gave her ammunition to seek sympathy from her husband, which then allowed her to swerve away from treatment

I'm not saying that cutting contact is the best thing, but I would suggest sitting down and thinking about whether her presence in your and your childrens lives is ultimately a positive or negative thing, and acting accordingly

neveronamonday Fri 07-Aug-09 16:14:02

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wasabipeas Fri 07-Aug-09 16:25:22

Well done for keeping calm. It is so much easier said than done and it must have taken a lot of deep breathing to not stoop to her level.

I don't think what I did is particularly strong, but when I think about my childhood, it is marred with her horrible comments and the episodes when she went out of her way to hurt people (she also had an affair with a DH of a close family friend).

It took me a long time to get over the way she treated me, and I knew I could never live with myself if a) her behaviour brushed off on me and the way I parent my kids, or worse b) she ever said anything hurtful to my DCs about them not being wanted or loved

slowreadingprogress Fri 07-Aug-09 19:50:16

well done from me as well for keeping so calm but saying your piece! Good for you. It can't have been easy.

neveronamonday Fri 07-Aug-09 20:15:40

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